


their sleepless souls

by prismpvwer



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: and they were soulmates? oh my god they were soulmates, but no one is evil this time around!!, everyone has a case of existential dread, loosely based the wicked + the divine au, reincarnated deities but at what cost, that's okay though they're wearing killer outfits, the great darkness is a bummer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-01-23 09:38:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 50,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21318052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prismpvwer/pseuds/prismpvwer
Summary: every ninety years, twelve gods incarnate as humans. they are loved. they are hated. in two years, they are dead.it's happening again.it's happening now.
Relationships: Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 39
Kudos: 113





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> if you've read the wicked + the divine, i'm mostly just loosely borrowing the universe and making some things entirely my own. if you haven't read it, you don't have to have read it to understand this (i hope)
> 
> there's a spotify playlist [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4AKvLZ3Fd04PON4EjyjgjP?si=TKTxet4kTGqm1XtuOSTA5g)
> 
> biggest smooches to isa for handholding and beta reading this for me

_September 2020._

Yuta never thought he'd be here.

He never thought that he'd get the chance to attend a residency. The tickets sell out in minutes, if the gods even sell tickets in advance. He knows that Johnny doesn't, and neither does Donghyuck. 

Not that he's been following them closely or anything.

It was pure luck, really, that he was able to get tickets for Taeyong's residency. A friend of Yuta's from university wasn't able to attend the weekend residency that he had tickets for, having to go back to Hong Kong for a family something or another. When Yukhei told him, Yuta's stomach had done a funny flip - but he liked to think he played it off well enough when he accepted the tickets. 

Yuta isn't obsessed with the Pantheon by any means. He isn't a fanatic, he didn't really keep up with them at all. Sure, he knows when a new god was discovered, when their name shoots to stardom. Then again, everyone knows that. It isn’t private information. Quite the opposite, really, becoming a god is a public affair. 

He’s merely interested. Yuta doesn't think that was a crime. He’s interested in the hype, he’s interested in what exactly happens during the residencies. Everyone says that the different gods each give you different feelings when you’re at their residencies. The residencies of the gods are almost like concerts, at least that’s what he understands from the interviews and from the videos on YouTube. They’re like regularly scheduled concerts but, despite each god being talented as far as he can tell, they’re more about the feeling. About being close to a god, about experiencing what the god was willing to share with the crowd. 

Until that night, he didn't understand how it could be any different from a normal concert, like the ones he used to go to back at Kyocera. 

Now, though, he's questioning that. It does seem different. He's surrounded by hundreds of people, pressed into the tiny venue in Itaewon, Taeyong onstage finishing up his performance. Yuta has no idea how much time has passed, it feels both like hours and minutes, his heart loud inside of his chest, his body warm with the feeling of love. That's all he can describe it as - just pure love. 

He had done a little bit of research before he headed out to the venue that night, trying to figure out what Taeyong's residencies, specifically, were all about. He knew a bit about the others. How Jaemin's take place as the sun rises, how Mark's make you feel as though you're in a tiny coffee shop with fifteen other people when in reality there are hundreds packed into the venue to see him. 

Taeyong's, they say, make you feel love. Whether that be for yourself or for others, or for him. You fall in love at Taeyong's residencies. 

Yuta might have been a skeptic before, unsure if the performances of the Pantheon could possibly measure up to the hype, but now he finds himself searching Naver for tickets for upcoming residencies. He wants to see more.

He has to see more.

As the lights slowly come back on and people begin to stream out of the venue, he's tapping on his phone, looking up every so often so he doesn't knock into anyone. There's so many people, but it hadn't seemed like there were so many while they were inside. Rather, it felt like they were all one, in a way. They were all there for a common purpose, to watch Taeyong. 

To experience Taeyong.

Yuta heads away from the venue, heading down a quiet street, still tapping at his phone, eyes scanning the ticket resellers. There aren't any tickets for Taeil, of course. There never are. There are upcoming tickets available for Jaehyun, but they're extortionately priced. A part of him wonders if the tickets will drop once the twelfth and final member of the Pantheon is discovered. Maybe everyone will focus on them and the tickets for the others will be reasonable and he can attend.

His mind is going a thousand miles a minute, despite his better judgement. When Yukhei offered him the ticket he hadn't expected to actually want to go to more. It doesn't even feel like a want, so much as it feels like a deep-seated desire. 

His shoulder knocks into someone as he walks and he straightens up instantly.

"I wasn't watching where I was going, sor-" The words die on his lips as his gaze falls on the man in front of him. He doesn't know his name but he knows he's seen him before. Yuta blinks as the man smiles. It's a warm and comforting smile, like he's placing a blanket over Yuta's shoulders on a cold and snowy night.

"The last one is always the hardest to find." The man speaks and Yuta's hand drops, his phone dropping to the concrete beneath his feet and shattering. He pays it no mind. He can't focus on anything except for the man in front of him. It's as if he's been hypnotised. 

Yuta watches as the man reaches out, fingers brushing the ends of Yuta's long dark hair that curls over the nape of his neck. He's frozen where he stands - but he isn't afraid of this man. He can't be. He doesn't know why, but Yuta knows that he isn't here to harm him.

"You are of the Pantheon. You will be loved. You will be hated. You will be brilliant. Within two years, you will be dead."

The words rattle around Yuta's head for a moment and then suddenly, all he sees is black - followed by the most brilliant red. He sees flames surrounding him, no, not just surrounding him. Engulfing him. But they don't hurt him, they're a part of him. 

"You are the kami of fire. You hold the power of destruction in your fingertips. You are the fear of thousands, you are the light of millions." Yuta can't feel his body as the man speaks, yet at the same time, it feels as though he is being torn limb from limb just to be put back together again. 

Feeling in his body comes back to him a moment later and he blinks his eyes open. Fire red hair falls in his face, and when he lifts a hand to brush it aside, his fingers are covered in deep gold rings. 

"Kagutsuchi, I've missed you." 

Yuta learns that the man's name is Kun. He's the so-called keeper of the Pantheon, tasked with finding each member of the Pantheon each cycle, which is of course where Yuta has seen his face. Kun takes him from the dingy side street in Itaewon to the base of Achasan, where the safehouse of the current Pantheon is located. 

Luckily, it seems as though Kun has noticed that Yuta's having a bit of a hard time processing his sudden transformation into a deity, and instead of taking him directly from the street to the house, they arrive suddenly at the end of the dirt road leading to the house. Zerzura, Kun had said. Yuta tries to remember.

"You keep looking at your hands." Kun remarks, sparing him a side glance. Yuta drops his hands sheepishly, shoving them into the pockets of the long black peacoat he's suddenly found himself wearing.

Transforming into a god with a new wardrobe is weird.

"I'm not used to wearing so many things on my fingers," he admits with a shrug, hunching in on himself slightly as they walk. He's thankful for the brisk air of late September. Otherwise, he might think this is all a dream. 

"There are a lot of things you'll have to get used to, Yuta." Kun's voice is soft, kind. 

Yuta is beginning to learn that many things about Kun are kind and warm and comforting. He supposes that he probably has to be that way to put up with twelve young and rowdy gods who are suddenly faced with the end of their life in two years. If they're lucky enough to be one of the first to experience incarnation each cycle, that is, since that's when the clock starts to tick. 

A shiver runs through his body and Kun reaches out, a comforting hand on his arm. 

"It's this way." Yuta blinks, startled as he realises he had started to walk off the path without realising. 

"Sorry, sorry." His words are mumbled as he steps back onto the road, holding his body tightly, almost folding into himself as they walk. He can feel Kun's gaze on him every so often, as if he's expecting him to start asking questions. Yuta supposes that Kun probably is expecting that - he’s sure that most of the other gods had probably asked him a barrage of questions by that point. Yuta just can't seem to get his mind to form anything coherent. 

He had gone out earlier that night to experience a residency of one of the gods. He hadn't expected in a thousand years that he'd end the night by becoming one of them himself. Or, maybe, discovering that he was one. Maybe he's been one all along. He doesn't really know how it all works. 

"You've always been a god." Kun's words interrupt his thoughts and Yuta's eyes widen, his head snapping almost comically to stare at Kun. 

"You can read my fucking thoughts? Oh my god, that is so embarrassing." Yuta groans, dropping his head to stare at the ground as they walk. Kun's laugh is loud, boisterous. It makes Yuta want to not crawl in a hole and die. 

Die. How ironic.

"No, Yuta, I can't read your thoughts. You might want to work on making sure that you're not speaking everything coming into your mind, though." Kun remarks with a teasing glint in his eyes. "I'm pretty forgiving about things, but there are some.. Donghyuck, for example, who might not be." Yuta groans again, remembering that he's going to be meeting the entirety of the Pantheon when they arrive at Zerzura. Yuta's friendly enough, outgoing enough, sure, but the idea of walking into a house as the last man to arrive is intimidating. 

"So how did you find me, then?" He asks Kun, finally turning to look at him with wonder. He has so many questions that are bubbling beneath the surface, questions that he doesn't really know how to put into words. Questions about Kun, questions about the Pantheon, questions about residencies, questions about the end. This seems like a safe place to start. The rest can come in time.

Kun hums in response, as if he's thinking. Yuta thinks that it might be just to placate him. He doesn't think Kun has to do much thinking about these kind of things at all.

"I just knew." Yuta barks out a laugh, shaking his head. 

"I should have known that'd be your answer. You might be the most cryptic person I've ever met, and I've only known you for an hour." 

The grin Kun flashes him is almost sharp. "No, Yuta. I've known you for centuries." 

Zerzura isn't anything like Yuta expects. Then again, he's only learned about it an hour or so ago, so he isn't sure what he expects - but it still exceeds all of his thoughts that he had while they were walking. 

Tucked up against the base of Achasan, the house is gigantic. That's the first thing that Yuta notes as they walk up past the iron gates, towards the sprawling estate. He doesn't know how long Kun has been living here, maybe since the last recurrence in 1929. It looks more like a mansion, though he supposes that makes sense, considering that there is, as Kun explained on their walk, a room for each member of the Pantheon in Zerzura. Not everyone stays there regularly, apparently, but Yuta has a feeling he'll be one of the ones that does.

The idea of going back to his apartment that he shares with Yuto now that he's been informed that he's a god isn't necessarily appealing.

As they approach the house, it feels like a knot has formed in his stomach. Yuta isn't really sure why he feels nervous suddenly, or why he feels like he isn't going to fit in. The reality is that they're all in the same boat, aren't they? It isn't like any of them planned to become a god, it isn't like any of them necessarily asked. 

Well, as far as he knows. Maybe there's a clause about asking to be a god and it working out. He has no idea.

His mind is going a thousand miles a minute as they approach the front door, and Yuta doesn't even realise how lost in his own thoughts he is until he realises that Kun is speaking and he absolutely is not listening to him. 

"Sorry, what was that?" He asks, laughing awkwardly as he speeds up his footsteps to fall back into step with Kun. He's met with a knowing look from Kun. 

"I was just saying that I'm not sure if everyone is here tonight. I know Taeyong will be, and likely Ten as well." Kun explains and Yuta shivers at the thought of meeting the man he had seen onstage a mere few hours ago. He had no idea that was ever going to be something that happened to him. Yukhei would be absolutely bricking it if he knew. 

The thought causes Yuta to laugh a little bit, before he catches himself, shrugging off Kun's questioning gaze. 

"Is there delivery all the way up here? I didn't have dinner." Yuta blurts out suddenly, an attempt to change the subject and avoid Kun asking him too many questions. Yuta's an open book about a lot of things, but for some reason, no matter how comforted and at ease Kun makes him feel, he doesn't want to give all of his cards away so quickly.

Kun laughs before responding. "If you want something, we can get it easily. We also have plenty of food inside."

Of course they have food inside, it is a full house after all. A house full of gods, but even gods have to eat, if the ravenous feeling in his stomach is anything to go by. 

They're at the door moments later and it's truly now or never. Yuta sucks in a deep breath as Kun opens up the door, a few sounds coming from further inside the house. He toes off his shoes and adds them to the pile next to the door, the deep gold and black boots (that he definitely hadn't been wearing a few hours ago) not entirely out of place among the varied mix of shoes placed there. 

"Kun! You're back! Listen, Doyoung's made t- oh, hello?" Yuta hears the words before he sees who exactly it was speaking, and he blinks as the person turns the corner. 

Quite small, ethereal, with a mischievous look in his eyes, Yuta would recognise Ten anywhere. He doesn't follow the gods as closely as others in his life - Yukhei, namely - but anyone who has an instagram knows who Ten is. Dionysus, the god of wine and debauchery, his residencies are some of the most insane parties Yuta has ever seen, and he hasn't even been to one.

He realises, belatedly, that he's staring and opens his mouth to respond, but Kun beats him to it. "Ten, this is Yuta. He-" 

"He's the twelfth member of the Pantheon, isn't he? I can just tell, that hair isn't natural on anyone." Ten laughs as he steps forward, closer to Yuta's space. It takes a moment before he realises that Ten is referring to the now fire-red hair that curls over his neck. 

"Kagutsuchi, apparently. Kami of fire." Yuta responds, shrugging and shoving his hands into the pockets of his coat once more. Kun reaches out, a hand touching his arm gently. 

"Let me take your coat for you, Yuta. You'll be more comfortable." He supposes Kun is right, even though he'd like to keep using it as a safety blanket, even though it isn't like it's been his coat for longer than a few hours. 

The whole transformation thing that takes place when incantation happens is actually beyond weird. 

Yuta pulls the coat off of his body, and Kun is quick to take it from him, hanging it up on a coat rack nearby. 

Yuta clears his throat, offering Ten a bright smile, which Ten matches almost instantly. There's a sharpness to his eyes, but Yuta feels put at ease with him, just like he is with Kun. He has a fleeting thought that maybe this is all an elaborate set up and the Pantheon is just a cult and he's going to be the next sacrifice. However, before he can follow that rabbit trail, his stomach grumbles. 

"What were you saying about someone making something?" 

The kitchen smells warm and spicy, and Yuta comes to discover that it's because the few members of the Pantheon that are at Zerzura that night have decided to make a late night snack of tteokbokki. 

Taeyong is perched at the kitchen island, face bare of the elaborate, beautiful makeup he had been wearing onstage. He's a far cry from the dark purple leather pants and glitter sheer shirt he had been wearing at the venue, in his sweatpants and baggy t-shirt. 

He perks up from where he had been staring at his phone once Yuta, Kun and Ten enter the room, and Yuta resists the urge to shrink under his gaze. His eyes are as intense as they are kind, and Yuta isn't really used to seeing so many beautiful people in one room. Taeyong doesn't seem to take note of Yuta's reaction however, and starts speaking as soon as their eyes meet.

"I'm Taeyong, are you hungry? Doyoung was just making tteokbokki! There's plenty, since it's just us tonight, Taeil and Johnny have already gone to bed like the grandparents that they are." Yuta can't help but grin at his enthusiasm. Taeyong offstage isn't so different to Taeyong onstage, it seems. He's still as loving in either environment.

"I'm Yuta, and I'm absolutely starving, so if you don't mind, I'd love some." He responds, and he can practically feel Kun's proud gaze. He does suppose that he didn't exactly give the best impression of being particularly coherent or personable on the way to Zerzura. Kun was probably questioning if he was even worth all of the effort of finding the last Pantheon member. 

"Doyoung's the second best cook in the house, in any case. You're lucky that you’ve arrived when it's him cooking and not Mark." Ten pipes up as he slings his lithe body into the tall chair next to Taeyong's. 

He leans up against the island, near to where Taeyong and Ten are sitting, as Kun moves to the cupboards to begin to pull bowls down. He barely has time to take in his surroundings before the duo in front of him begin to pepper him with questions about his life (yes, he is Japanese, from Osaka in fact, he's studying architecture at university, he's twenty-three years old, turning twenty-four soon, and he's a Scorpio, which seems to be of particular interest to Taeyong). 

Yuta is trying to give them as much of his full attention as he can, but he can't help but try to turn his attention to his surroundings, to Kun murmuring softly to who he can only assume is Doyoung. He wonders why he hasn't turned around, why he hasn't said anything. Maybe he's shy. Regardless, he does seem to be speaking to Kun, and maybe Kun has the same calming effect on everyone. 

They seem to fit easily together. Yuta has to wonder how he'll fit in here. If he will at all. He likes to think he's good enough at making friends that it won't be too hard, but then again, he is the last one to enter into the Pantheon. The smiles that seem to abound between Taeyong, Kun and Ten put him a bit more at ease about that particular worry. 

He does wonder about Doyoung. He doesn't know very much about him, compared to some of the other gods. He's the type to remain more elusive, with the exception of his residencies. Not quite as elusive as Taeil, but he certainly isn't Ten or Jaehyun, who seem to thrive being in the spotlight, and often grace the covers of magazines and are found on billboards alike. 

To his left, Taeyong and Ten begin to bicker about something or another, and Yuta pushes himself up from where he's leaning against the island to cross to where Kun and Doyoung are in front of the stove. 

"Can I help with anything?" He asks quietly, coming to a stop next to Kun and turning to look at Doyoung, finally. He can only see his side profile, and there's something so, so familiar about it, but he can't place it. 

Kun hands him a small stack of bowls. "You can put some rice in these, if you'd like." His words are gentle, and Yuta realises, then, that Doyoung still isn't going to speak to him. Isn't even going to turn to look at him. His eyebrows furrow and he takes the bowls from Kun wordlessly. 

They eat dinner with small bits of conversation sprinkled in, but for the most part, it's relatively quiet. Yuta keeps trying to catch Doyoung's gaze, but it's fruitless. He seems entirely focused on his bowl of food, and once he's finished, Doyoung stands and washes his bowl in the sink, leaving without saying a word. 

Yuta watches him go with a furrowed eyebrow, before Taeyong clears his throat. "Don't worry too much, Yuta. He'll come around." 

He glances up to meet Taeyong's gaze, and he can't help but believe him. There's something so entirely earnest about the way that Taeyong speaks. 

"If you're sure." Yuta says with a laugh, shrugging as if it's not a big deal, but he can't seem to shake the question of why, exactly, Doyoung didn't want to speak to him. Didn't want to even look at him.

And why, exactly, Doyoung looks so familiar. 

"He acts like that with new people, sometimes." Kun pipes up. Yuta almost feels like they're just placating him at this point, that he's being too obvious and wearing his feelings on his sleeve so that they're all picking up on it. "When Jaemin arrived at Zerzura a few months ago, Doyoung didn't talk to him for almost a week." 

"Well, that's because Doyoung was in Je-" Ten starts but he's cut off by Taeyong shoving his elbow into his side. Yuta winces in sympathy at the surprised sound Ten makes at the feeling.

"It isn't a big deal, really. You can't get along with everyone, right?" Yuta isn't entirely sure he believes that's what's going on, but the reality is that he doesn't really know what's going on, that he doesn't really know why Doyoung seems to be adverse to his very presence being in Zerzura without so much as an introduction. 

Taeyong stands, then, taking the now empty bowls from those still left gathered around the kitchen island, sweeping them into a pile and carrying them to the sink. 

"Kun, why don't you show Yuta to his room? Give him the grand tour! There's lots of places to see in here. I'll do the washing up, and Ten will help." Taeyong suggests. Ten opens his mouth as if to protest but the look that Taeyong levels him with makes him snap his mouth shut instead. 

"Are you sure? I can help. You made the food." Well, Doyoung made the food, but he’s made his exit already. 

"Positive! Go along with Kun. You can help me clean up tomorrow if you want." The grin Taeyong gives him makes Yuta feel like he really doesn't mind, and he stands from the stool he'd been sitting on, following Kun out of the kitchen. 

He's shown the living room (huge, with multiple couches and a gigantic television), the library (the walls lined with bookshelves and a few overstuffed chairs), the multiple bathrooms (five to be exact), the storage rooms (filled with clothes, it appears), and various bedrooms pointed out. 

Finally, Kun comes to a stop outside of a room with the door closed tightly. "This is yours." 

He pushes open the door and Yuta steps inside. It's large, much bigger than the one he has back at his apartment in the middle of the city. That room seems like a closet compared to this. He steps further into the center of the room, taking in the king sized bed, the black curtains hanging in front of a large glass door. 

"It's lovely, Kun. Thank you." Yuta says softly, turning to look at him. Kun matches him with a grin. 

"We can decorate anything you'd like this upcoming week. I know it's rather empty, right now. Ten wanted to put some.. decor, if you could call it that, up before I found you, but I wouldn't let him." Yuta laughs as Kun speaks, sure that whatever decor Ten thought of was interesting, to say the least. 

The idea of decorating seems appealing, but Yuta doesn't exactly know how long he's got left, now that everything seems to have an expiration date. Would it even be worth it?

"It's perfect, but I'll think about it." Yuta says, crossing to the doors, pushing one open and stepping out onto the small balcony. He can feel Kun's presence still in the room. It's as if he can tell that Yuta's still got questions. 

There are so, so many unanswered questions. Yuta wonders if he'll ever get all of the answers he feels like he needs.

Yuta lets out a sigh as the cold air washes over him, and he hears Kun step out onto the balcony with him. He keeps his eyes closed as he leans his forearms on the wrought iron bars of the balcony. 

"What am I meant to do about my apartment back in the city? My family? My friends?" He asks, his voice soft. Quieter than before, almost meek.

Kun lets out a soft sound, but he doesn't reach out. Yuta wonders how he knows precisely what Yuta needs in terms of comfort at any given moment. Maybe he really has known him for centuries.

"It's up to you, Yuta. I can easily get you out of your lease, if that's what you want. Or you can live there like you have been already. As for the people in your life.." Kun trails off for a moment. Yuta holds his breath. "They'll find out, sooner or later. Your residencies will start soon. The world will know."

Yuta hadn't even thought about the residencies, but now that Kun has reminded him, the desire to be onstage feels almost overwhelming. He hasn't ever desired fame, hasn't ever wanted to be in the spotlight, content to live a quiet life and finish out university and get a stable job. But now, he feels like all he wants to do is be onstage. He wants to connect with people, wants to perform for them. Wants to make them feel the same way that he felt earlier in the night when he was at Taeyong's residency.

He realises that he's been quiet for a few beats too long, when he feels Kun shift next to him. "I'll leave you alone for the night, Yuta. My room is just on the next floor up, if you need me. At the end of the hall. Make sure you knock, as Ten doesn't always necessarily wear clothes. He doesn't mind being indecent but you don't need to see that on your first night here." He says it to lighten the mood, and Yuta can't help but be entirely grateful for it, responding with a soft laugh.

"Thanks, Kun. Really, thank you for everything." Yuta tells him and Kun leaves the balcony and Yuta's room, closing the door behind him as he goes. 

He's left alone, his thoughts louder than they've ever been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't want to put it at the beginning in case of like, idk spoilers but i've also got a pinterest [here](https://www.pinterest.co.uk/prismpvwer/) that has a lot of aesthetic inspiration on it if that's your jam


	2. Chapter 2

Over the course of the following days, Yuta's met a whirlwind of various Pantheon members. Taeil and Johnny, who almost feel like a package deal in the way they're rarely out of each other's sights. And then there's Jeno, Donghyuck and Jaemin - the youngest in the Pantheon.

They're bright, they're playful. Yuta learns very quickly that they bring a lightness to Zerzura that wouldn't be there otherwise. It seems important. A necessity, maybe.

He meets Mark and Jaehyun and Sicheng, although they don't often stay at Zerzura, they come over to meet him when they hear that Kun has finally found the final member of the Pantheon. When they're all in the same room, it's loud and Yuta feels like he fits in. He hadn't expected that. Doyoung, though, still holds him at arm’s length. They haven't been properly introduced yet, but even so, Doyoung barely will spare him a glance. 

Yuta feels as though he's falling into step with being a deity easily. Well, relatively easily, he supposes. It doesn't feel necessarily right to call it easy, transforming into a Shinto god of fire, having an entirely new wardrobe at his disposal, suddenly being afraid of accidentally starting a fire with his fingertips.

He hasn't been told that he can perform miracles or anything like that, but it feels like it's definitely possible given what he knows about past recurrences and the miracles that people wrote about. He doesn't necessarily want to test his luck and see what happens and accidentally burn down Zerzura. That would be one way to make an entrance into the public eye. 

He's been at Zerzura for almost an entire week when he learns that Ten's residency is happening that evening and all of the Pantheon members have a free ticket to attend. 

Ten's residencies are some of the most famous among the various Pantheon residencies, due to the fact that they're often nearly filled to the brim with debauchery. At least that's what the tabloids say. You can't expect anything different from Dionysus. Yuta isn't sure exactly what to believe about the residencies themselves, but he's going to experience it for himself that night, for better or for worse.

As the night approaches, Yuta is in one of the bathrooms with Sicheng as they get ready for the residency together. Everyone is buzzing about the house, the energy in Zerzura is high due to excitement for Ten's residency. Ten has already gone to the venue to prepare, and Kun left with him. 

"Have you been to one of Ten's residencies before?" Yuta finds himself asking, tying his hair up in a ponytail as he watches Sicheng in the mirror. He doesn't make much of an acknowledgement that Yuta has so much as spoken, leaning close to the mirror and drawing an intricate lightning design into his eyeliner. Yuta has to wonder if that came naturally when he became Dian Mu, or if it was a skill he had before. 

"I have, we all usually attend his together." Sicheng says evenly as he finishes up his wing, straightening up and leaning back to inspect his work. "Just because his are usually the only ones where we're all free, schedule wise, at least." Yuta hums, wondering if there's something about Ten's residency that makes them all want to attend together. Of course, if it's anything like how Taeyong's performance made him feel, he's sure that it's wonderful. 

Yuta watches as Sicheng leans in to do his eyeliner on his other eye, leaning against the counter slightly as he does. "You're good at that." He remarks, and it causes, finally, a smile to break through on Sicheng's face. 

"Do you want me to do yours?"

The walk from the chicken shop that he, Sicheng and Jaehyun had gone to before heading to the event wasn't that far. However, it is quite a cold walk, and Yuta finds himself wishing that he would have brought a jacket to wear over the thin gold shirt he's wearing. He lets out a shiver as soon as they step through the back door of the old, abandoned church where Ten’s residency is being held, the heat warming his bones instantly. 

"It sounds like it's already started," Jaehyun says, barely able to be heard over the pounding, low bass of whatever music Ten is playing. Yuta pauses where he's walking, glancing to meet Jaehyun's eyes. They're sparkling with excitement, and he curls his hand around Yuta's forearm. "It'll be good tonight, I can tell already. You're going to love it." 

He feels reassured, and follows Jaehyun into the VIP section where the others are. Yuta's eyes are immediately drawn to the stage, where Ten is dancing, his clothing sheer and tight and dark, the perfect contrast to the neon purple hearts that are on the backdrop of his stage. It seems every time that you look, a rainbow covers your vision before you're allowed to focus. 

Yuta can't look away from him. 

A drink is shoved into his hand and Yuta looks up to see Sicheng there, sipping his own drink from a straw with a small smile. He takes the drink, nodding his thanks and takes a sip himself. He isn't entirely sure what it is - but it's sweet, with a bit of sourness at the end. It feels fitting for his surroundings, for this residency. 

With the distraction finally drawing his attention away from Ten, he allows himself to look out at the crowd. He can barely distinguish anyone from anyone, the crowd just looking like a singular mass, moving in time with Ten's performance. He doesn't really see where the debauchery review is coming from, but then again, he isn't in the center of the crowd experiencing it - there's a good chance it's entirely different.

His gaze turns back to Ten, and he allows himself to get lost in watching him, sipping at his drink. He barely needs it, the adrenaline from the power that Ten holds over the room is enough. 

Yuta isn't sure how much time has passed, similarly to Taeyong's residency, it could be minutes or it could be hours, he wouldn't be surprised either way. A movement leaving their roped off section catches in his peripheral vision and he watches as Taeil slips out. It's only then that Yuta realises he has barely even noticed the others of the Pantheon in attendance. He's been so focused on Ten, and he's sure most of the others have been as well. 

His gaze goes over the others in their section, and it's as if he's mentally counting them in his head, until he realises that Doyoung isn't there. His eyebrows furrow - didn't Sicheng say that they all attended together? 

Everyone seems lost in the music, in Ten's performance, except for Johnny, with the sudden absence of Taeil. Yuta moves over to him, sidling next to his taller frame. Johnny settles him with a smile, before motioning for him to follow him, and together they slip out of the VIP section the same way Taeil had moments before. Yuta glances around, trying to see if Taeil is there, but he isn't anywhere that Yuta can see. 

Johnny's voice breaks through his thoughts. "You looked like you wanted to talk." 

Yuta's eyebrows furrow, it's odd that Johnny clued into that so quickly, especially when everyone else was in their own world while they were watching Ten's performance, it seemed. 

"I mean, I guess. That was just intense." Yuta says with a laugh, though it feels a little forced. Ten's residency was, in fact, intense, but he doesn't know if he wants to talk about the residency itself, necessarily. Maybe it's a good way to lead into his real question, though. 

Johnny nods in response, glancing over his shoulder at the door that leads back to the VIP area. "I'm surprised that you came out of it that quickly, actually. People are usually in it for the long haul the first time."

"Came out of what?" Yuta asks, confused as he crosses his arms over his chest. When not in the main room where Ten is performing, the abandoned church holds an unmistakable chill.

"Oh, Ten does this.. I wouldn't call it hivemind, necessarily. Something like that though. He makes you forget about everything outside of that room when you're in there until he's done onstage. Makes you feel good while you're in it, like there's none of the shit from your day to day life weighing on you." 

Suddenly, it all makes sense. The way the hours blended into minutes, the way that everyone was focused on the moment and barely noticing the people around them. 

"Did Taeil come out of it?" Yuta asks, and then flushes. "Sorry, is that a personal thing to ask?" Johnny laughs in response, shaking his head. 

"He did, he's got a lot on his mind. And when he comes out of it, it’s usually harder for me to stay in it without him." Johnny shrugs and Yuta can't help but wonder what exactly that means. He knows that Taeil and Johnny are dating, they've been relatively open about their relationship to the public, despite Johnny's whole aesthetic of being the attainable god. 

"Is that a thing? Like a connection or something?" Yuta isn't sure that he gets it, and Johnny purses his lips in thought, as if he's trying to figure out exactly what to say. "Sorry for all of the questions. I guess I'm still trying to understand it all." He laughs, a little self deprecating. 

Johnny shakes his head, reaching out to place a hand on his shoulder, rubbing soothingly. From anyone else, it might feel patronizing, but it doesn’t feel that way coming from Johnny. 

"Don't apologise. We've all been there when we first joined the Pantheon. It seems to be a thing, Taeil and I always come out of it together." There's a bit of a smile on his face as he speaks, as if he's fond of the memories that he and Taeil have made at Ten's residencies. "Kun always stays in it the longest.. and Ten's the only god that really impacts him during performances." Yuta nods, watching Johnny almost eagerly. Everything he's saying makes sense considering what he'd observed inside.

He pauses before continuing, as if he isn't sure how much else to say. "And sometimes people don't stick in it long at all. Like you. Doyoung usually doesn't either." There it is.

"Oh, he isn't here, is he? Sicheng said you all attend Ten's together, usually.." Yuta doesn't want to seem too eager to learn about Doyoung but he can't help himself but to ask. He's so elusive, and Yuta just wants to understand. He wants to know why he seems to be completely avoiding anything to do with Yuta since he's arrived at Zerzura. He isn't sure what he did. 

"He isn't. When we left, he said he wasn't feeling well, so it's probably that. Taeil went back to go check on him, though. I'm sure he's fine." 

Yuta sucks his bottom lip between his teeth as Johnny speaks. Maybe that's true, but somehow, it feels like it's an excuse, that Doyoung didn't want to experience Ten's.. hivemind, or whatever Johnny had called it, if Yuta was there. 

The idea makes his stomach twist uncomfortably. 

Suddenly, Yuta doesn't want to be having this sort of conversation anymore. He has more questions, of course he does, but he doesn't want to keep talking about how Doyoung is clearly avoiding him, and going back to Zerzura means being faced with it directly. 

"Does it suck going back in there when you're out of it?" He asks, looking towards the door again and Johnny grins.

"You can't usually get back into it, but it's good people watching. Wanna get a drink and watch people lose their shit to Ten's dancing?"

Yuta wants nothing more in that moment.

They end up leaving the old church at nearly 5 am. The sun is starting to slowly peek up over the buildings as they step out onto the street, everyone loud and boisterous, talking about how incredible the performance had been. Yuta stays near to Johnny as they start to walk down the road, Jaemin declaring that he's hungry and they absolutely have to get something to eat before they head back to Zerzura. 

It seems that everyone usually heads to the house together if they've all attended the residency. The warm, close feeling, almost like a family, makes something bloom in Yuta's chest as he watches the others teasing each other as they move down the street. 

Maybe he will fit in with them after all.

They come to a step in front of a convenience store, where Jaemin, Jaehyun and Taeyong step inside to buy food for everyone, the rest stay in the street. 

"What did you think of your first residency, Yuta?" Mark asks, coming to stand next to him as they wait. 

Yuta looks at him, squinting a bit because of the newly-risen sun. "I actually went to Taeyong's, the night that Kun found me," he explains. "But this felt different, maybe.. Like more intense? Might be a god thing." He shrugs, and Mark laughs. 

"Totally, man, I think it is. Isn't it crazy, the performances are already insane but we experience them with everything heightened, kind of? It's fucking cool." Mark has this enthusiasm about him that makes Yuta feel the same way he does, like he can see how excited Mark is about something and that makes him want to be excited about it too. 

"That definitely seems to be one of the main perks of this whole thing." He agrees with a grin, matching the eager one that Mark has fixed him with. He's still learning about all of these so-called perks, but that has to be one of the best - something that's already so sensory and experiencing it tenfold. "I can't wait to see everyone else's." 

There's a residency almost weekly, it seems. There are some that perform less often than others, like Taeil, but otherwise it's regular. Yuta can't believe that attending them is going to be part of his standard routine now.

"Yeah, you should be excited! Dude you're going to love them, I know it." Mark says, excited, and it seems as though he's going to say something more when Jaemin bursts out of the convenience store, holding a plastic bag over his head and shaking it. 

"I've got dinner! Oh, wait, breakfast, actually. Let's go home!"

They arrive at Zerzura early in the morning, only after having corralled everyone to make the journey quickly. Ten and Kun decline having breakfast with everyone and head upstairs on their own, while the rest of them make quick work of preparing ramyeon and kimchi rice. Yuta carries the last of the bowls of rice over to the kitchen island, pushing two towards Johnny and Taeil, who has finally joined them once again. He looks tired, leaning against Johnny's side as they all start to eat. 

"I always forget how loud Ten's residencies are, my ears are still ringing." Sicheng complains as he eats.

Donghyuck laughs, far too loud and energetic for someone who has been partying for the better part of 12 hours. "Well obviously, considering how loud Ten is, of course his residencies will be just as loud and annoying for hours after." Mark elbows him as he speaks, and Donghyuck sticks his tongue out at him in retort. 

"What do you think Yuta's will be like?" Jeno asks, pushing away his bowl once he's finished it, and suddenly, everyone's attention is on him. 

Yuta laughs as they all stare at him, shrugging. "I don't even know myself." Taeyong smiles at him, placing a hand on his leg as he speaks.

"That's the thing, you don't know. I didn't know. I don't think any of us knew exactly what we were going to do with the residency for the first time." Taeyong explains, and Yuta blinks at him, confused. He takes a look at the others sitting around the island and they're all either nodding in agreement or still eating like they're not impacted by Taeyong's words at all, so it must be true.

Yuta still doesn't get it though. "How does that work, though? I don't understand.. If I don't know, how do I know what to do onstage? How do I make it an experience?" 

Taeil sits up from where he's been leaning on Johnny, finally, leaning forward on his forearms to peer around Johnny to look at Yuta. "Don't you feel it? The desire to perform. The yearning to share with the public.. To guide them." Yuta digs his spoon into his bowl, eyebrows furrowing. 

"I mean, I feel it. I just.. what am I supposed to share? How am I supposed to guide anyone? The only time I've ever been in front of a crowd was doing group presentations in class." He admits, raising an eyebrow as he shoves his spoon into his mouth, even though he doesn't feel very hungry anymore. 

"You'll know." Taeil says, vague as ever, leaning back against Johnny. If Yuta didn't know any better, he'd think Taeil was the first god to experience his incantation and become a member of the Pantheon, just from the way he speaks. He knows he isn’t, though, and Taeyong does certainly fit the enigmatic image of the first god.

He's learned more about mythology in the past few days than he ever thought he would.

"He's right, you'll know, and Kun will take care of the stage preparation for you! Other than that, it all sort of just falls into place the moment you step onstage. That's another one of those perks I was talking about." Mark says as he gathers up some of the empty bowls, bringing them over to the sink and dropping them in. "Now if there was a perk that washed all the dishes.." 

Taeyong rolls his eyes and stands, crossing to the sink to nudge Mark out of the way. 

The conversation moves on, but Yuta can't seem to shake all of the questions brewing in his head.

Everyone's begged off from the kitchen and gone to bed, but Yuta doesn't feel tired, despite being awake for nearly 24 hours. Instead, he's made coffee before making his way into the library, hoping that maybe there is something that can help him understand this whole upcoming residency thing a bit better. 

He hasn’t explored that particular room yet. With towering shelves and a few overstuffed chairs and tables, it looks every bit a personal library that he’s seen in films. The library is an interesting mix of books, there's classics and then some lighthearted books, a few romance novels, which makes him laugh a little bit, and even a shelf of manga. 

He's distracted from his goal by a book of poetry that looks to be at least two centuries old, sitting cross legged on the ground in front of the bookshelf that he pulls it off. As he flips through the book slowly, carefully, the pages feel soft and delicate underneath his fingertips. 

The sound of the door opening makes his head jerk up and to his surprise, it's Doyoung standing in the doorway. They silently watch each other before Yuta speaks. "You're up early."

Doyoung stares at him, the set of his jaw a hard line, as if he’s trying to decide if he wants to even bother to speak to him. 

Yuta finds himself holding his breath, hoping.

"Well, my room is next to Donghyuck's, and he isn't exactly quiet when he comes in at all hours of the morning." He says, his voice dry. Yuta doesn't want to seem too eager but god, Doyoung is finally actually responding to him.

He lifts his mug to his lips, taking a sip from it. A part of him is worried that Doyoung is just going to turn and leave again. Yuta doesn't even know what he would talk to Doyoung about in that moment, but he feels like he needs to talk to him about something. He can't let this opportunity go to waste. 

"Were you coming in here to look for something?" Yuta asks, setting his coffee down and closing the book in his lap. Doyoung looks down at him, the lines in his face softening slowly as his eyebrows pinch in. It's minute, but Yuta notices. He wonders if he's staring too intently at his face. Not that he can see very much, considering he hadn't flipped on the light and is just relying on the natural light filtering in through the window.

"It's nothing." Doyoung brushes it off, but he doesn't leave. In fact, he steps further into the room and Yuta stays still, as if Doyoung is an animal that will spook at any sudden movements. 

Yuta turns, tucking the poetry book back into the shelf, busying himself with his coffee mug once he’s finished. He’s trying to act as casual as possible because he wants this time with Doyoung, even if Doyoung is still being relatively short with him. He feels like he needs it - he's been able to connect with all of the others in the Pantheon, but not Doyoung, because he's kept him at such a distance. 

Doyoung flips on the light himself, and a warm light floods into the room. Yuta blinks at the sudden brightness, before leaning back against one of the bookshelves, still sitting on the floor. He feels if he stands, Doyoung might leave. He clearly needs to be the one with the option to go out of the room, considering how skittish he seems to be around Yuta.

He still doesn't understand why.

"There's a lot in here. Fiction, even manga.. I was reading some poetry. I wonder where Kun got it." Yuta says, an attempt to make conversation. Doyoung makes a noise to acknowledge that he's spoken, but he doesn't give him much else to work with. Doyoung moves further into the room, crossing to one of the tables where he sets down the rich brown, leather bound notebook in his hand. 

Yuta gets the sense that he's waiting for him to leave, but he doesn't want to. Not yet. 

He pushes himself off the floor once Doyoung makes it obvious that he isn't going to bolt back through the door at a moment's notice. Doyoung isn't looking at him, and Yuta takes a few steps closer, coffee mug still held between his two hands as he watches him. 

"What's your favorite book?" Yuta tries again, and Doyoung's head snaps up and settles him with a stare. One eyebrow raises and Yuta's eyebrows furrow because he has seen this look before. Where?

"_Recitation_." Doyoung replies, the same dry tone to his voice. He sounds uninterested, and Yuta isn't sure if he actually is uninterested in the subject or if he's just not interested in talking to Yuta. 

Their eyes meet after a moment and Doyoung drops his gaze to his notebook, but he doesn't make a move to open it or to get any books off of the shelf. Yuta knows he's waiting for him to leave, and he's about to, when he realises, a few moments after just staring at Doyoung, where he knows him.

Yuta's eyes widen before he speaks. "Kim Dongyoung, right? We met during first year, didn't we? At Hongseok's party, I was there wi-"

"Get out." 

The words are sharp, and Doyoung doesn't look up at him, but Yuta notices his hand that's on the table has curled into a tight fist. He hesitates, but Yuta also knows that he doesn't know Doyoung well enough yet. He can't push to understand why the sudden realisation caused him to react that way. 

Why he doesn't want Yuta to remember who he is, to recognise him. 

Against his better judgement, Yuta turns, doing exactly as Doyoung has clearly wanted for the past ten minutes, and walks out of the library. He reaches to close the door behind him, sure that Doyoung will want his privacy. 

Once he pulls the door closed, he leans against it, staring up at the ceiling as he tries to keep his breathing steady. 

Yuta isn't one for confrontation and it felt as though they had been maybe making baby steps. Of course, that was before he put two and two together and realised where he had seen Doyoung before.. He doesn't understand. 

As soon as his heart's gotten back to a normal speed, he pushes himself up off of the door, heading to the kitchen to rinse out his coffee mug. He suddenly feels exhausted, the lack of sleep catching up to him.


	3. Chapter 3

It felt like it was one step forward and fifty steps back with Doyoung. Since the afternoon in the library, Doyoung had nearly barricaded himself away in an attempt to avoid him as far as Yuta could tell. He had seen him, only in passing, and Yuta hasn't bothered to try to talk to him again. He knows that it would probably be in vain, that Doyoung clearly has no interest in speaking to him; he's made that very clear. Yuta still isn't sure what he's done wrong - except for having met him at one of Yuto's friends parties, apparently.

Yuta wasn't aware that much was a crime, but in Doyoung's eyes..

He just wants to figure him out, and Yuta isn't sure why that is, either. Yuta has always been the type to brush off people who don't care for him. He doesn't let it get under his skin for the most part. He isn't the sort of person that's desperate for approval. That hasn't ever been who he is - so why does he desperately want Doyoung's approval and attention? 

It feels like he isn't going to get it, so Yuta finds himself trying to not get too hung up on it. It's, of course, a bit easier said than done, but Yuta ends up spending time with the other members of the Pantheon as an attempt to distract himself. 

He's taken to Taeyong quite quickly, which isn't necessarily unexpected considering how gentle and welcoming he is. The unexpected friendship that's developed, however, is the one that's been growing with Mark. 

Mark, freshly turned twenty, is almost like a breath of fresh air for Yuta. He's energetic and enigmatic - though he supposes all of the gods are enigmatic in their own ways. A part of him is surprised as how well Mark is taking the whole god thing, especially for being so young. Then again, Yuta hasn't exactly experienced Mark as a god yet, Mark as Bragi. 

To him, he's simply Mark, a young kid with a bright smile. 

"Mark, you have to add a bit of oil if you're going to be making eggs. And the pan should be really hot when you add it before you reduce the heat. Not the other way around." Yuta says, an exasperated sigh falling from his lips. Of course, he's instantly betrayed by the smile that's threatening to form on his face. 

Mark grins sheepishly at him, before adding a little oil into the pan, and reaching to adjust the heat. "Sorry, Yuta. You know I'm no good at this."

It's a quiet morning in Zerzura, Jeno and Donghyuck had just stumbled down the stairs about twenty minutes before, clambering outside to the sprawling patio with bowls of cereal. He knows Taeil is locked away in a studio somewhere in the house, preparing for his upcoming residency. Everyone seems to know better than to bother him while he's there, and Yuta can't help the curiosity that is pricking in his mind at what Taeil could be doing. 

He's thankful for the quiet, though, with Mark. Yuta feels as though he's been on edge since he and Doyoung's confrontation the week before. Ten had told him he needs to let off steam, and the wicked smile that had followed his statement had earned him a slap on the arm from Taeyong.

Yuta didn't think he was so wrong, though maybe he needed to let off steam in a different sort of capacity.

Like being onstage. 

He isn't sure where his first residency is going to be, but he knows that it will likely be soon. Netizens have already started talking about how the final god has been found. It's all rumors, of course. Most everyone seems to be under the impression that he's Lucifer, and that's why he's being kept so quiet. 

Apparently, Lucifer's appearances in previous recurrences haven't exactly been peaceful. 

He finds it a little funny, though, that there's so many rumors about him, of all people. About Nakamoto Yuta, architecture student from Osaka. It feels surreal.

Yuta looks over to where Mark is slowly cooking his eggs, focusing intently on the pan in front of him. "Doing alright?" He asks, leaning over to look at the mess of eggs that he's got in there. It doesn't necessarily look alright, but it also doesn't look inedible. 

Yuta's thankful he's already had breakfast that morning so that he can politely decline Mark's inevitable offers to make him an egg as well. 

"Yeah, man, it's all good. I mean, it looks like this little egg has some issues, but it'll be delicious. Just add enough salt and pepper, right?" Mark laughs loudly and Yuta feels a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. It feels impossible not to smile around Mark sometimes. 

"It definitely has some issues, Mark. But it's okay, you'll get better." Yuta wasn't so sure he would, but the grin that Mark gives him immediately following is enough to make Yuta want to encourage him even about the smallest things. 

Yuta crosses to the other side of Mark, pulling a plate down for Mark's egg monstrosity, as well as two mugs for coffee for them both. He sets about making coffee in the french press that is just one of the many different modes of making coffee that Ten had shown him in the kitchen. A Keurig, air press, french press, espresso machine, drip.. Usually Yuta would just go for a cup from the Keurig but making something one step up seemed like a nice option for the two of them that morning. 

"Mark, could you pour me a cup too?" Yuta freezes as he hears Doyoung's voice echo into the kitchen. He isn't in the room yet, so he clearly doesn't know that Yuta is there. 

Mark, to his credit, doesn't seem phased, and looks over his shoulder as he pushes his eggs around in the pan one last time before killing the heat. "Totally, do you want some eggs?"

Yuta tries not to laugh as he pushes the plate over towards Mark, letting him dump his eggs onto it as he reaches up to pull another mug out of the cupboard. 

His heart feels like it's in his throat and his stomach is erupting in butterflies. Yuta hates that Doyoung has this effect on him and he wishes he knew why he was so desperate to do right in his eyes. 

He pours coffee into each of the mugs, holding his breath as Doyoung's footsteps come closer and then stop. Yuta doesn't turn around immediately, letting Mark go to Doyoung and show off his culinary creation. Yuta turns, then, moving each of the mugs over to the kitchen island. He glances up at Doyoung just once, just in time to see the look of skepticism on his face as he stares at what's on Mark's plate. 

Yuta picks up one of the mugs - one from Tokyo Disneyland, he isn't sure who it originally belonged to, but it gives him a little feeling of home whenever he uses it - and leans against the counter silently. He isn't sure if Doyoung has noticed him yet. He waits a moment longer before speaking.

"I wasn't sure how you take your coffee." He says softly, hoping that his face shows something of a neutral expression, rather than how nervous he feels even speaking to Doyoung. 

Doyoung's eyes snap up to him, from where they had been trained on Mark, and he settles him with a gaze. It doesn't feel as steely as it had the other day in the library. A part of Yuta wants to consider that a win, but he doesn't want to get ahead of himself and then be sorely disappointed. 

"Just some cream and sugar." Doyoung says, and Yuta nods, setting his mug down on the counter behind him and going to the fridge. He pulls out the carton, and adds it to one of the mugs carefully.

"Mark?" 

"Oh, no cream. Just sugar's fine! I'll use the sugar cubes that Ten bought. Don't tell," he laughs, and Yuta mimics crossing his heart before putting the carton of cream away. 

The atmosphere in the kitchen that had been so at ease while Mark was cooking feels tense suddenly. Yuta knows precisely why that is, but with Mark there as a buffer, it feels like it's potentially possible for him and Doyoung to be civil with each other. Or rather, for Doyoung to not stare at him like he'd much rather have Yuta disappear at any moment. 

That very thought makes Yuta grow a bit bold. "Did you see Mark's creation? He's the next masterchef of this household. You have some competition." Doyoung raises an eyebrow, scoffing a bit as he reaches for the coffee mug with cream in it before sitting down at one of the stools against the island. He looks more at ease than Yuta's ever seen him. 

"I don't think there's going to be much of a competition. Sorry, Mark." Doyoung says, and Mark presses a hand against his chest as if he's been wounded. 

Yuta's eyes brighten as a smile cracks on Doyoung's face, something he (dramatically) never thought he'd see. "You're right, your tteokbokki has been unbeatable so far." Yuta says, stepping forward, closer to the kitchen island. 

The smile doesn't necessarily leave Doyoung's face, but when he turns towards Yuta, it's clear that he is really just being cordial for Mark's sake. 

It sets Yuta back a bit, but at the same time, it feels like another step forward. He just hopes that he doesn't take another few steps back again. 

"Thank you." Doyoung says, something of an unreadable look in his eyes. Yuta offers Doyoung a bright smile in response, which causes him to furrow his eyebrows for just a moment as their eyes meet, before he turns his focus back to Mark. 

It feels like progress.

Of all of the members of the Pantheon, Yuta can't deny that Taeil's residency is the one he's most looking forward to. The most sought after in terms of tickets of all of the residencies, Taeil only plays once a month, on the full moon. The last time Yuta had looked - the night that Kun found him - the tickets were sold out for the foreseeable future, and resell tickets were going for more money than he could ever imagine spending on a concert, residency or not. 

Luckily, Taeil has a small section that's reserved specifically for the other members of the Pantheon to attend his residency, just as Ten does. Not everyone can make it that night, as Jeno has his own residency that's going late into the night, so the Pantheon is splitting up their attendance between Jeno and Taeil. 

The decision isn't hard for him, he knows he'll get to see Jeno again soon, but Taeil's residencies are so rare that he has a hard time denying the opportunity to see him perform. 

His residency is taking place at the top of Haneul Park, under the wide open sky, as it always does. The preparations for the outdoor concert began just a few days ago, and they were able to get the stage and everything set up in time, much to Yuta's surprise. Though, he supposes that people are used to pop up performances by various gods by now. 

Ten and Jaehyun by his side, Yuta crosses the field towards the area that has been set apart for them. There's an excitement he can sense from the crowd as they take their seats. He can't imagine what they must be feeling, if it's even so much as a fraction of what he himself is feeling; it must be overwhelmingly exciting to be in the crowd for Taeil's residency. 

"When is it supposed to start?" Yuta asks Ten, pulling his scarf a little closer around his neck and shrinking down so it covers part of his chin in an attempt to keep warm. 

Jaehyun hums softly, checking his phone. "Probably soon. There usually isn't an exact time. He won't start until Johnny's here though." 

"I've never seen anyone as codependent as those two in my whole entire life," Ten declares, leaning forward to place his elbows on his knees. He's wearing this ridiculous trapper hat that looks partially knitted but he knows that Ten bought it and it was probably expensive. He's a far cry from the god that Yuta had seen onstage the week previous. 

It sounds a bit rich, coming from Ten. "That might be just because you haven't seen yourself, you know." Yuta points out, teasing him and Ten scoffs, affronted, but Yuta can tell from the twinkle in his eye that he isn't actually offended. 

"Is Ten talking shit again?" Johnny's voice breaks through their teasing and Yuta turns to see him standing above them, looking as relaxed and happy as Yuta's ever seen him. 

"You're late!" Ten says, whacking him in the abdomen. Johnny pretends to double over, clutching the spot where Ten had hit him and groaning, before he drags the final chair a little closer to where they're sitting. 

"I was helping our dear Dalnim put the finishing touches on his outfit. You'll see." Johnny explains, a grin on his lips before he leans back against the back of the chair. 

Just as he says it, the lights that were on the crowd dim into black and it's just the crowd, the stage, and the barely-there light of the moon. There's a cloud cover over the sky that night, the clouds thick, heavy, as if it's about to snow at any moment. On the walk up, Yuta had hoped that it wouldn't snow, but now.. 

Jaehyun leans forward, leaning over Yuta to look at Johnny. "Now?" Johnny's response is just a nod and Jaehyun's eyes close. The strings of Taeil's backing band begin to play as the crowd quiets down in anticipation.

A cold drop hits Yuta's cheek, and he looks up to the sky, watching as a light snow has begun to fall. An incredulous laugh escapes his lips - a miracle. He hasn't seen a physical one yet, but now that he's seen one - he can agree that they're nothing short of magical. 

Moments later, a single light hits the stage and Taeil begins to make his way to the microphone in the center of the stage. Yuta holds his breath - he looks positively captivating. 

There's something absolutely magical about the train of his velvet cloak that falls over his shoulders perfectly, the silver stitching across the surface looking like he's holding an entire galaxy on his body. The snow that falls around the crowd gives the energy of the crowd a subdued feeling, as if everyone is in awe of him as he begins to sing.

Yuta supposes they probably are in awe of him. He certainly is.

Johnny brings them to the small trailer that Taeil is using as his dressing room after he finishes onstage. It's nearing midnight, and as they walk in, Taeil is still wearing what he was in onstage. 

"Johnny, can you help me with this?" He asks, turning his back to have Johnny lift the heavy cloak off of his shoulders. Ten and Jaehyun have instantly begun to rifle around in the small mini fridge that's tucked into the other side of the trailer, so Yuta stands awkwardly in the middle of the room, hands shoved into his pockets.

He might be comfortable with all of them already, but he still feels slightly uneasy in these new situations. 

Moments later, Taeil is by his side, dressed down to a pair of jeans and an oversized sweater, his hair falling softly over his forehead - an opposite image to the Taeil who was onstage not long ago. To Dalnim, maybe. Two sides of one coin. 

"Are you hungry? I didn't eat before my performance, so I'm thinking about going to eat now." Taeil asks, a smile on his lips. Yuta blinks in surprise, before looking over his shoulder at Ten and Jaehyun who are eating something they've found in the mini fridge. "Just us, I think." Taeil speaks again and Yuta tries to not let his shock show on his face.

It isn't that Taeil hasn't been friendly to him, or that he's been particularly mysterious around Zerzura, or that they haven't spent much time together. Rather, it's that it's always Taeil-and-Johnny rather than just Taeil on his own. 

"Oh, yeah, I could eat." He agrees, offering Taeil an easy smile, which is soon matched by the one on Taeil's face.

"Perfect, we'll go now." 

Taeil takes him to a small barbecue restaurant tucked away in Hongdae. Yuta thought that he'd been to most of them, considering he hadn't lived far from Hongdae before (when did he start thinking of everything in terms of before and after?), but the one Taeil brings him to isn't one he's ever seen before.

There's a knowing look in Taeil's eyes as they slide into a booth in the corner of the room, no one even giving them a second look, despite Taeil being one of the most famous men (gods?) in Seoul at the moment. 

"Did you enjoy the performance, Yuta?" Taeil asks after he's ordered some meat for them, leaning back against the cushion of the booth. Yuta nods in response. 

"It was beautiful. The snow was a nice touch." There's a glint in Taeil's eye as Yuta speaks.

Taeil draws on the surface of the table with his fingertip. "It was Johnny's idea. He thought it'd be nice. Was it cold, though?" 

"No, I don't think so. If it was, I barely noticed it because of the performance." Taeil laughs then, seemingly pleased with the answer. Yuta can only imagine what he feels, hearing firsthand how incredible his performance was. He can't wait to experience the same for himself. 

A short, comfortable silence falls over the two of them as the meat as placed on their table, and Taeil begins to place some of it on the grill almost immediately. 

"Why did you ask me to come with you? And why just me?" Yuta asks suddenly, unable to stop himself. He's been wondering since Taeil asked him. It isn't that he isn't thankful, but he simply doesn't understand why he would ask him, when Johnny was there, and when he knows Ten and Jaehyun quite a lot better than he knows Yuta. Surely they'd be better company. 

Taeil hums, a smile tugging on the corner of his lips as he turns his focus to Yuta instead of the grill in front of him. "I wanted to talk to you." He says simply, shrugging one shoulder. Yuta exhales. Taeil is so vague sometimes, like he isn't ever saying exactly what he means. 

But at the same time, he knows that it's precisely what Taeil means. There's simply another layer to his words than just the surface. 

"Without Johnny?" Yuta tries again, and Taeil looks down to the grill, turning over the meat carefully. It seems as though he does everything carefully, each movement thought out exactly. Yuta thinks he could learn a lot from Taeil if he took the time.

"I thought there might be some things you might want to talk about, and it might be easier to speak if it’s just the two of us." Taeil says, setting his hands down on the table in front of him and looking back up to Yuta. "Besides, I know Doyoung quite a bit better than Johnny does. Our incantations happened within days of each other." 

So that's what this is about. Yuta can't be too surprised, of course eventually someone else in Zerzura would notice the tension between him and Doyoung. He's just been expecting it to be Taeyong or maybe Kun that noticed first and spoke to him about it, not Taeil.

"So you've noticed." Yuta says, scrunching up his nose before taking a sip of his water. He doesn't want to be a cause of discussion in the Pantheon. He's sure that things were running smoothly before he arrived and caused issues with Doyoung.

Taeil hums again, simply nodding in response. "It's safe to say that I think everyone has, Yuta. But I think that I can help you understand him a little bit more, and understand how you're both feeling a little bit more." 

Yuta's heart feels like it's pounding in his ears. He doesn't understand how he's feeling for himself, he doesn't entirely know how Taeil can possibly help him understand that, but he trusts him. Yuta nods and Taeil flips the meat again, motioning to Yuta that it's finished.

He takes a piece of meat off the grill, eating it as he watches Taeil prepare his own food carefully. "Doyoung is a careful person." Taeil begins, before eating the bite of food on his plate. Everything he does seems very calculated. Yuta stays quiet.

"He guards himself carefully. The way he looks after others is done with care. He doesn't like surprises because he doesn't know how to react to them, or how they fit into his life." Taeil says, taking a sip of water before he levels Yuta with a gaze. "When you were discovered and brought to Zerzura, it was a surprise for him. He hasn't known how to react."

Yuta's eyebrows furrow. He feels like he understands, a little bit, but not enough to really make sense of Doyoung's behavior. "Is it just because I'm the twelfth god? Has he acted like this with every single new god that's entered the Pantheon?" He can't imagine that Doyoung's been so icy with every single new god, considering he seems so friendly with everyone else now. 

"No, it isn't just because you're the final god. It's because you're you, Yuta." Yuta breathes out an almost frustrated laugh as Taeil speaks. 

"I don't get it. Why me?"

Taeil places another round of meat on the grill, not speaking until he's finished. "That's something you'll have to find out from him. It wouldn’t be fair to say it myself, but you are different. You're different to him." 

Yuta furrows his eyebrows, leaning back against the booth as he stares at Taeil. "What does that mean?" Taeil smiles a little bit before taking another bite of food.

"Johnny told me that he spoke to you during Ten's residency. After I left." Yuta nods, so Taeil continues. "And he told you about how when I came out of it, he did too." 

Yuta sighs. He doesn't feel frustrated, per se, with Taeil's lack of direct answers, because he knows that Taeil is trying to make him fully understand what he's saying, rather than just giving him a direct answer. But he can't help but wish that it was as easy as just a direct answer.

"I don't get what the link that you and Johnny have has to do with me." Yuta admits, taking a piece of meat off of the grill for himself. 

"Think about it, Yuta. You came out of it easier and earlier than anyone else we've witnessed who attends one of Ten's residencies for the first time." Taeil's tone is patient, as if he's waiting for Yuta to put two and two together. Yuta nearly holds his breath as he waits to hear what Taeil is going to say next. "When I went back to Zerzura. Doyoung had just woken up, which means that he woke up around the time that you came out of it." 

It takes a moment, but slowly, what Taeil is saying registers with Yuta. That if Doyoung was there, maybe Yuta wouldn't have come out of it so quickly, if he was under Ten's hivemind too with him, just like Johnny and Taeil...

"Are you saying that Doyoung and I.. that we have that link too?" A grin spreads over Taeil's face, and he pushes the bowl of kimchi over towards him.

"Eat, Yuta. We should get going home soon."


	4. Chapter 4

Yuta can't stop thinking about everything that Taeil said the night after his residency about the insinuation that he and Doyoung have some sort of link, some sort of connection. He doesn't feel like it's possible when Doyoung can't even stand to be near him. 

But maybe it is, and maybe that's why he feels so desperate to get Doyoung's approval, why he wants Doyoung to give him the time of day so badly.

Yuta takes it upon himself to try to understand more, slipping into the library in Zerzura at night when everyone else has either gone to bed or is out at a residency performance. He doesn't exactly know where to even begin to look, but he knows he has to try at the very least. Yuta knows that he's been more closed off the past few days, lost in his thoughts as he tries to understand and process Taeil's words. 

Between Taeil's knowing gazes, the way that Doyoung is keeping to himself (as usual), and Taeyong's fretting over him, he's thankful for the near silence of the library on nights like this. The only sound in the room is his own breathing and the ticking of the large grandfather clock in the corner of the room. 

He pulls out books as he seems the, various texts by Pantheon scholars, modern and historical. He isn't sure why Kun even has these books when he is himself the foremost scholar, some might argue, on the Pantheon. Regardless, Yuta is thankful for Kun's apparent book-hoarding tendencies as he carries the stack of books over to the table, setting them on the surface with a sigh. 

He flicks on the table-top light, settling into the chair as he begins to flip through the books.

There's quite a lot of information in the texts, though most of it is about the recurrences themselves, about what gods are chosen and where they've been found. One of the texts has an interesting timeline of every single recurrence that's been recorded, dating back over a millennia ago. 

Yuta pushes that book aside to look through again later, but it doesn't appear to be helpful for him now. It doesn't give him any more information about this so-called connection that he and Doyoung apparently share, if Taeil is to be believed. He hasn't exactly given Yuta a reason not to believe him until that point. 

The other books that he has pulled off of the shelf seem to be more of the same. Yuta can feel the frustration building as he closes the final book, leaning his elbows on the table in front of him as he drops his head into his hands, fingers rubbing at his scalp to ward off the impending headache. 

He doesn't know where to look now. 

Yuta stays still for a few moments later, before he heaves a sigh, pushing himself back from the table. "There's got to be something here. If Taeil knows about the connection, there's got to be something." He mumbles, standing and carrying the books back to the shelf. Yuta reshelves them quickly, before crouching down in front of another bookshelf. 

The books that are shoved almost haphazardly into the bookshelf don't have anything written on the spines. He pulls one out, flipping through the slightly dusty pages for a moment, eyes scanning tiredly over the handwriting - before he realises that they aren't books, per se. They're journals.

Feeling an almost rush of energy, Yuta pulls a few out of the bookshelf, heading back to the table. He settles into the chair and begins to flip through the texts, leaning in to try to decipher the words on the page. 

The journals that he's found once belonged to Eir, of the 1900s Pantheon. The last cycle. He remembers the images he saw in one of the books earlier in the night. She was beautiful, with dark hair nearly to her waist, striking features. 

He learns that instead of residencies, the gods spread their word to the public through books, through poetry. It's clear to see through the cadence of Eir's words on the page of her journal.

Yuta also learns that she was in love with Morpheus. 

At first, as he began to read, it seemed as though she just had some sort of puppy love for him. That she was just enamoured with him as was everyone else who experienced that particular recurrence while it was happening. However, the more that Yuta reads and the further he goes back in her journals, it becomes clear that Eir has a connection to Morpheus, a divine connection. A desperation to be near him, to gain his approval. 

It all feels too familiar. 

Apparently, Kun had told Eir that she and Morpheus were two souls that had found each other during their recurrence. It isn't every recurrence that the souls of the gods become intertwined, and Eir feels lucky that she and Morpheus are some of the few.

Yuta shivers as he reads the words that explain how Eir felt the moment that Morpheus experienced his incantation, and the moment that Kun brought him to meet the rest of the gods. It was a feeling of despair that the man she was destined to love was also destined to have his life cut short in two years. It was a feeling of joy for the future, their future together. It was a feeling of worry of what the days to come would bring. 

Yuta closes the journal carefully, staring at the etchings in the leather that decorate the front of the notebook. 

A part of him feels as though he has just read something not meant for his eyes. This is, potentially, how Doyoung has been feeling. Yuta is hardly the type to make assumptions about his position in people's lives, but it seems as though everything that Eir felt as Morpheus joined the Pantheon could easily align with how Doyoung is acting. 

Yuta certainly can relate to aspects of how Eir felt for Morpheus. Is his soul intertwined with Doyoung's soul? It feels impossible. But then again, a few weeks ago, he thought it would be impossible to be a god himself. 

A sigh escapes his lips and he carries Eir's journals back to the bookshelf, placing them there carefully. It feels like a gift that he's been able to read them, to understand a little bit more, but he can't know if Doyoung would feel the same. 

Doyoung's residency happens faster than Yuta expects. He's heard of Doyoung's residencies even before he got involved in the Pantheon. Yukhei has attended a few of them in the past year, as they're a bit more frequent than some of the other gods. However, once he entered the Pantheon, Yuta just put it out of his mind and didn't think about Doyoung’s residency at all until suddenly he was faced with Jeno asking if he'd like to attend with him. 

It ends up to be just the two of them settling into the box seats in the old open air theatre as Doyoung's residency begins. Doyoung's residency is different to many of the others as it starts approximately an hour before the sun sets and ends immediately as the sun dips below the horizon, instead of going late into the night. 

Yuta doesn't know what to expect when Doyoung comes onstage. The roar from the crowd is deafening, and Yuta stands from where he's sitting to peer down at them. They don't seem to mind that they're gathered under the open air, that the sun is beating down on them. They're just as excited for Doyoung's performance in the middle of the afternoon as any of the crowds have been for Ten or Taeyong's performances. 

Moments later, Doyoung steps out onto the stage, and Yuta can't take his eyes off of him.

Yuta knows that Doyoung is attractive. He's known that since they met in passing at Hongseok's party. But right now, with the natural light hitting him as well as the warm orange tones of the stage lights, Doyoung looks almost ethereal.

His vocals wash over the crowd, filling the entire theatre easily. It sounds clear as day, as if Yuta is standing right in front of him and listening to him sing, rather than listening to him from the box seats tucked to the side of the theatre. 

It feels as though his heart is going to beat right out of his chest as he watches Doyoung, positively enraptured for the entire performance. He has to wonder if this is how Johnny feels when he watches Taeil. He wonders if this is how Eir felt when she read Morpheus's words. 

Throughout the performance, the light from the setting sun fills the theatre. Doyoung is basked in the light of golden hour as the sun dips closer and closer to the horizon, the sky painted hues of pink and orange and purple. Everything about the experience feels surreal, as if Yuta could blink and wake up and this would all just be a haze of a dream. 

It isn't long until the sun finally slips away from the sky, and Doyoung's backing music comes to a slow, natural close, his voice ringing out clear and loud for a final note before the lights dim completely.

As the lights in the audience come on, Yuta leans back in his chair, realising belatedly he'd been leaning forward, intently watching Doyoung for his entire performance. His eyes meet Jeno's, and the younger boy offers him a huge smile. 

"I told you that his residency is the best, didn't I?" 

Jeno brings Yuta backstage once the crowd has thinned out a bit. Doyoung is conducting an interview in one of the rooms, the door shut tightly. Yuta and Jeno find themselves waiting for him in the dressing room where he'd gotten ready to go onstage. 

As far as Yuta can tell, Jeno seems entirely at ease in the room, in Doyoung's space. Yuta, on the other hand, very clearly does not, as he perches on the edge of one of the tables in the room, playing with his phone. Twirling it between his fingers, checking his (empty) notifications, drumming on the case, rinse and repeat.

To Jeno's credit, he doesn't comment on Yuta's nervous behavior as he sprawls out on the couch in the room, waiting for Doyoung to return.

Doyoung comes into the room eventually, and Yuta's head snaps up to watch him as he does. He barely seems to take note of either of them in the room, heading straight to the sink in the room to pull out a makeup wipe, starting to wipe at his face. 

He looks exhausted. Yuta can tell the way that his bones seem heavy just by the way he carries himself. Doyoung usually holds himself up very carefully, his body a wall between people on the outside and his thoughts. At that moment, he seems vulnerable.

Yuta's eyebrows furrow, and he glances to Jeno, who isn't paying attention, texting someone on his phone - probably Jaemin. He pushes himself up from the table, taking a few steps closer to where Doyoung is scrubbing at his face with cleanser over the sink. 

"Doyoung, have you eaten at all?" Yuta asks, and Doyoung freezes for a split second before rinsing off the rest of his cleanser and grabbing the towel next to him.

He presses the towel gently to his face and Yuta stays still next to him, nearly holding his breath in anticipation. "Not since breakfast." The words are muffled underneath the towel and Yuta cracks a small smile. 

"Let's go somewhere after you're finished. We can get coffee, too. You could use the caffeine to make it back to Zerzura tonight," Yuta suggests, a confidence in his voice that hasn't been there before when speaking to Doyoung. He's been given an inch and Yuta is running with it. 

Doyoung lowers the towel from his face, before draping it over the edge of the sink. "Is that your way of saying I look like shit?" 

Yuta sputters as Doyoung levels him with a gaze, before Doyoung turns to apply the rest of his skincare to his face. He's about to reassure him that he doesn't look like shit - because he definitely does not - when Doyoung speaks again.

"We can go. I could eat." Yuta can barely believe what he's hearing. He turns to look at Jeno, but finds the couch empty. He had been planning on the three of them going but apparently Jeno took himself out of the equation. 

Yuta turns back to Doyoung, a small smile on his face. Tentative, almost. He doesn't want to come off as too eager. Too excited at what Doyoung's given him. 

"I'll wait outside and find a place to go." Yuta tells him, wanting to give him a little bit of space, not wanting to push too hard. Doyoung simply nods in response, and Yuta smiles, satisfied before he slips out of the room. 

Doyoung comes out not long after, dressed down into jeans and a leather jacket, a mask pulled low over his face. Yuta raises an eyebrow once he sees him, and Doyoung shakes his head. 

"Trust me, it's easier to wear one or else all I'll hear is people yelling Savitr after us while we walk." 

While he's impatient for his own debut and his own residency, Yuta feels like maybe he should be thankful that he doesn't have to experience that, not yet. People have made assumptions that he's the final god, posting blurry pictures of him online, but it isn't enough for anyone to know who exactly he is, not yet.

Yuta leads them outside and they fall into step easily. He shakes off the feeling of disbelief over the entire situation, because it doesn't do any good to be in awe of Doyoung actually wanting to be near him when Doyoung is right in front of him and he should be focusing on the moment. But a small part of him still feels his heart flip excitedly in his chest at the fact that they're actually spending time together.

"I thought we could go to Bamdokkaebi, but if you want to go somewhere less crowded, we can find somewhere else." Yuta spares Doyoung a glance, and he shrugs. 

"No, Bamdokkaebi is fine. I go often." Yuta isn't surprised that Doyoung seems to be back to short and clipped phrases, but it's better than nothing, and he has hope that maybe if they get something to eat, it'll be better. 

The walk to Bamdokkaebi isn't very far from the venue that Doyoung had been performing. Yuta hasn't been to this particular branch of the market before, the stalls lining up on the opposite side of the river, but when they get there, it's crowded full of people. He sticks close to Doyoung's side as they approach. Doyoung seems to know where he wants to go, and so Yuta follows him as he begins to navigate through the crowd. 

Doyoung comes to a stop in front of a specific food truck, and Yuta squints up at the menu. 

"What do you want to get?" Doyoung asks suddenly. Yuta's eyebrows raise and he takes a small step back, realising that he's been inching closer to Doyoung in an attempt to read the sign. 

"Oh, just- I'll just order after you, and probably get whatever you're getting. I haven't been to this place before, so you definitely know what's best." Yuta shrugs, rocking on the balls of his feet. 

Doyoung laughs sharply. "You don't even know if we have the same tastes in food." 

"I don't, but everything you've made back h- at the house tastes good." Yuta catches himself as he speaks. The idea of Zerzura being their home might be true - but it seems like sharing a home might hit too closely with Doyoung. He's still walking on eggshells around him, no matter how much he tries. 

Doyoung hums, conceding, before stepping up to the window to order two bowls of odeng soup. He pays before Yuta has a chance to protest Doyoung purchasing his meal, and ushers him to the side to wait for their soup.

"You didn't have to do that." Yuta tells him, furrowing his eyebrows. If he didn't know any better, he'd think that Doyoung was smirking behind his mask. 

"It's easier to just order two and get it done." Yuta isn't sure that's necessarily true, but he doesn't argue with him on it. 

When they're handed their bowls, Yuta leads them over to some of the picnic tables off to the side of the gathering of food stalls. He settles on one side of it, Doyoung on the other. 

"Thank you for the food," Yuta says, offering him a smile before he pulls the lid off of the small carton, inhaling the steam. It's perfect for a cold mid-winter night. Doyoung pulls off his mask, setting it on the table next to him before he does the same.

"It's not a problem." He says, seeming to focus entirely on the carton in front of him. Yuta shrugs, before he digs into his soup. 

A silence spans between them, but for once it doesn't feel tense or awkward. Yuta isn't sure why that is, but maybe it's because Doyoung has willingly come along with him. Maybe he's making progress with him. It feels like Doyoung is finally comfortable with him, at least in some way. 

Doyoung makes Yuta feel greedy - like he wants more and more and more. Like every single time that Doyoung gives him an inch, he wants to take a mile. It's an odd feeling, one that Yuta hasn't ever experienced before. He has to remind himself to hang back, almost, to let Doyoung share with him because if he pushes for more than Doyoung has already given, there's a strong chance that he'll pull back entirely. That's the last thing that Yuta wants. 

They finish their soup in silence, and when Doyoung sets his cup back down, Yuta reaches to take it, stacking it with his own. 

Doyoung settles him with a gaze, less steely than Yuta's ever seen it. Yuta grins before speaking. "Don't take this the wrong way like you tried to earlier, but you still look tired. Let's get coffee."

The coffee shop that Yuta brings them to is small, tucked away in a quiet side street. The lights are low and there's soft ambient music coming from the speakers. The tables have mismatched oversized chairs and lounges pressed against them in lieu of normal hardbacked chairs. 

Yuta used to frequent the shop to study. It's been weeks since then though, and as soon as he steps inside, he's hit with the warmth of familiarity. 

"Yuta!" The barista calls out, and he grins when he sees Renjun behind the counter waving at him. Yuta crosses to the counter, leaning against it and Renjun reaches up to push at his shoulder. "It's been weeks, over a month! Where have you been?" 

Yuta ducks his head, laughing sheepishly. "Something came up, I'm sorry." 

Of course, 'something came up' is sort of the understatement of the year. 

"Who's your friend?" Renjun asks, pressing his palms flat against the counter and pushing himself up slightly to try to see around Yuta. Yuta turns to see Doyoung hovering awkwardly a few paces behind him, his hands in the pockets of his jacket, the mask still pulled high over his face. 

Yuta takes a moment, ensuring there's only two other people in the coffee shop. One, a businessman tapping away at his computer. Two, a young student. 

His eyes meet Doyoung's gaze and Doyoung simply watches him. Yuta reaches out, his hand curling around Doyoung's arm to bring him closer to the counter where Renjun is standing, eyeing Doyoung curiously. 

"This is Doyoung." Yuta says, still holding onto Doyoung's arm. He hasn't tensed up or pulled away, and Yuta feels as though he's been given a green light, potentially. "Doyoung, this is Renjun. This is my favorite coffee shop in the city." He explains, and Doyoung's eyes follow the same path that Yuta's had moments before, looking at the other patrons in the shop, before he reaches with his free hand to pull his mask down over his chin. 

"Hi, Renjun." He says, bowing slightly, which Renjun returns. There's a warmth in his chest at the idea of Doyoung here - in the space that feels so comfortable to him. He fits, somehow, in a way that Yuta never would have expected. 

"It's good to meet you, Doyoung! I can't believe you're spending your time with Yuta, he's so boring and old. You look thousands of times cooler than he is," Renjun says, a wicked smirk on his lips and Yuta yelps in response, letting go of Doyoung's arm to reach out and swat Renjun from across the counter. "See how he treats me?" 

What Yuta doesn't expect is the laugh that spills from Doyoung's lips. He tries to not let it show how it impacts him, but he spares him a glance out of the corner of his eye. He isn't disappointed, Doyoung's got a big smile on his face, eyes nearly closed with the smile. 

He wants to see that sight more often.

"You're so disrespectful, see if I come visit you more often." Yuta scoffs, rolling his eyes and glancing over to Doyoung. "Order whatever you'd like and go find us a table, my treat." He tells him, and Doyoung looks slightly surprised before ordering a mocha. He heads away from the counter, and it's all Yuta can do to not follow him with his gaze. 

"You look like a lovesick puppy, you know." Renjun remarks as Yuta hands the money over. Yuta scowls at him, eyes narrowing.

"Be quiet." 

Renjun grins as he makes change for Yuta, eyes bright and mischievous. "I am being quiet. You on the other hand are not nearly as subtle." 

Yuta looks over his shoulder to see Doyoung settling at one of the tables in the corner. Watches him methodically taking off his jacket and his mask, setting his phone on the table in front of him. 

"I'm not anything. Be quiet and make our drinks." Yuta says dryly as he drops money into the tip jar in front of the register. 

Doyoung thanks him as he sets the mocha in front of him, and Yuta peels off his own jacket before folding himself into the armchair opposite him.

"This is a nice shop." Doyoung comments, stirring his mocha slowly before he lifts it to his mouth. Yuta grins, unabashed at knowing how much Doyoung likes his favorite space. 

"I used to come here a lot to study. Renjun knows how to make a mean Americano.. he isn't good for much else most of the time." Yuta rolls his eyes, taking a sip from his own coffee as he does. Doyoung tilts his head a bit as Yuta speaks, as if he doesn't entirely believe him. Yuta supposes he's probably pretty transparent, he has a huge soft spot for Renjun despite what his words might say. 

Doyoung settles back against the couch, and Yuta can't help but watch him. He didn't expect to see Doyoung this relaxed ever. Whenever they're near each other at Zerzura, it seems as though Doyoung is on edge. This is such a stark change. 

Their eyes meet and Doyoung raises an eyebrow. Yuta drops his gaze almost sheepishly at being caught, staring into his coffee cup for a moment. 

He can't help himself when he speaks again. "I really enjoyed your performance tonight. You have an incredible voice." 

Yuta isn't sure if Doyoung particularly wants to talk about his residency, about the performance. It feels as though a compliment is the best way to move forward. The compliment itself is completely genuine in any case, Doyoung's voice had taken his breath away. 

He looks back up at Doyoung then, seeing an unreadable expression on his face. "Thank you, Yuta." Doyoung says quietly, a sigh escaping his lips. 

Just like that, it feels like there's another wall up between them. It isn't as thick and impenetrable as before, but Yuta can't help but to feel as though he has taken yet another misstep with Doyoung.


	5. Chapter 5

Yuta finds himself riding a high the next few days, so much so that Taeyong actually asks him why he's in such a good mood. It feels foolish, maybe even childish, to tell him that it's because he and Doyoung have been getting along, because they spent time together. He brushes it off as best he can, but the small knowing smile that Taeyong gives him shows that he knows more than he's willing to let on.

Yuta doesn't mind that the others have an idea. Maybe Doyoung would mind, maybe he doesn't want the others to know he's warmed up to Yuta (at least a little bit), but he can't help himself. 

The high is so much that he finds himself barely even nervous when his residency comes and goes, when he's suddenly thrust into the public eye. He tries to not read too much online about what the public is saying about him, but he can't help himself. People seem surprised that he isn't Lucifer, or a number of the gods who appear more regularly during recurrences. Yuta can't imagine being any of those gods, being anyone except for Kagutsuchi. He feels completely twined with his deity in his soul, it's a part of him, now. Maybe it's always been a part of him. 

For the most part, there is positive feedback on his residency, which all of the Zerzura had attended; except for Doyoung, of course. Yuta was sure that his face gave away his disappointment when he came off the stage to see everyone except for him. At the time, he barely had time to process it, though, as he was immediately swept up with Ten and Mark, and the others crowding close to give him praise for his performance. 

Yuta gets it now, he understands what Taeil spoke of that night almost two months ago; how he would just know what to do once he stepped onstage, how it would come naturally. It did come naturally, and Yuta found that he wanted to reach people with his dancing, with his singing. He wanted to spread hope to them, give them something to hold onto when they left his residency that night. 

In the days that follow his first performance, Yuta can't seem to shake the memories of those in the audience, of how it felt as though he was connecting with every single person there. It was something that was impossible before, but now that he's experienced it for himself while he was onstage, it's as easy as breathing. It's natural. 

The buzz is on the final god now, the spotlight shining directly onto him.

For as much buzz has immediately been built up around him, the world continues as usual. The others gods hold their usual residencies. Johnny's is coming up within the next few days, and the public is starting to speak about camping out to attend his residency. From what Johnny has told him, you can't buy tickets in advance to attend, and he only announces the date and time one week before the actual performance. 

There's a gleam in his eye as he tells Yuta about the way his residency works, and for a moment, Yuta can see how exactly he embodies the god of fate and destiny. It's fate if you can attend his residency or not, if the chips fall in your favor. 

Doyoung is actually attending Johnny's residency, and as the house is buzzing with the excitement of attending that evening, Yuta can't help but sneak glances to Doyoung. The two of them, as well as Ten and Jaemin, are waiting in the living room for the others to be ready to leave. Taeil and Donghyuck have left already with Johnny, so it's just a matter of waiting for everyone else to be ready to go.

"Fans on Twitter are so dramatic about Johnny's residencies." Ten remarks as he's scrolling through his phone. Doyoung snorts in response, rolling his eyes.

"They're dramatic about everything." He points out, stretching out his shoulders slightly, arms over his head. "Pantheon fans are a different breed entirely. I don't get it." Doyoung shakes his head, and Yuta eyes him curiously.

"I feel like they're alright." Yuta pipes up, eyes on Doyoung as he does. Doyoung glances to him, their eyes meeting, before raising an eyebrow. "What?"

"You're naive about this. Which comes with being the final god, probably. People love you, because they've been waiting for you for months." 

Yuta's about to open his mouth to refute the claim that he’s naive when Jaemin speaks, instead. "Almost seven months! I couldn't believe how long it took Kun to find you. He found me really fast after Jeno." 

"It did take him a long time to locate Yuta. He was practically wigging out over it. Remember, he got all of those false leads?" Ten rolls his eyes at the memory. 

Jaemin laughs, the loud sound cutting through the room. "He was, wasn't he? I think he hoped it'd be one of my friends, since I was friends with Jeno. Just to make it easier or something.”

"I don't think it works like that, kid." Ten remarks fondly, pushing himself up and patting Jaemin on the head in a patronizing manner. Jaemin leans into it like a cat before swatting at Ten's arms, breaking out in a playful scuffle between the two of them. 

He's reminded, once again, that he's the newcomer into the house - no matter how much it might not feel that way anymore. Of course, Yuta feels comfortable there with everyone now. But the reminder of how little he seems to know about this whole recurrence thing, at least compared to everyone else hits between the armor of that comfort.

Yuta casts a glance to Doyoung, but it's as if a sheet has come down over his face. A sheet of stone, maybe, and Yuta can't read him anymore. Not that he's very good at reading Doyoung in general, but he likes to think that he's done an alright job at kind of figuring it out so far. 

One step forward, three steps back. 

Johnny's residency is taking place on his old university campus, and Yuta can't help but laugh a bit as they walk up to the venue. Of course it's taking place at a university, he has the image of the attainable god to maintain, after all. 

Yuta can't help but feel a crushing wave of nostalgia as they make their way across campus. No more than three months ago was he here making his way to class each day, living his day to day life in a relatively mundane way. 

Now his life is anything but mundane.

He spares a thought to Yuto, to Yukhei. As quickly as it comes, he shakes the feeling off. Yuta hasn't contacted them since Kun found him, it just hasn't felt right. He knows there's no right or wrong way to go about living when you’re a god, that some of the others are still close with people from their lives before. Yuta just can't seem to bring himself to contact them. Kun had taken care of paying him out of his lease so he could move into Zerzura full time, so he was able to have something of a clean break.

Yuta breathes through the knot in his chest, shaking off the feeling. He doesn't want to go into Johnny's residency with a lot on his mind - wants to be able to experience his performance while focusing entirely on him and the atmosphere of the residency. 

By the time they step inside of the venue, though, Yuta's able to focus on the others there, on Taeil's bright smile as he leads them to the VIP section, on Donghyuck's excitement that seems to be buzzing out of his skin. It's clear that everyone loves Johnny's residencies, which is obvious considering how much everyone in Zerzura clearly cherishes Johnny. 

Yuta finds himself between Doyoung and Sicheng as the lights dim and Johnny makes his way onstage. Johnny is as charming as ever, and he can see that the audience is completely enamored with him as he performs. He can't blame them, and he notes with a smile that Taeil is also watching him with stars in his eyes. 

He wonders if he looked the same way while he was watching Doyoung. 

Despite enjoying Johnny's performance, Yuta feels as though he isn't entirely present. Maybe it's due to the location of his residency, that there's too much weighing on his mind to fully be able to immerse himself. He leans back against his chair, a soft sigh escaping his lips. It's then that he feels the weight of someone's gaze on him. 

Yuta turns to see Doyoung watching him carefully. "Did you want to get some fresh air? You look like you need it," Doyoung asks, leaning in so he can be heard over the music. Yuta nods immediately, and Doyoung stands, motioning for Yuta to follow him. 

Once they're outside, he inhales deeply, not realising how much he did, in fact, need the fresh air. Yuta can still feel Doyoung watching him as he leans against the wall, focusing on evening out his breathing. 

"Better?" He asks, raising an eyebrow at him and Yuta nods.

"Much, thank you. How did you know?" 

Doyoung simply shrugs, hands pushed deep into his black wool trench coat. "You weren't focusing on Johnny. No one who attends his residency for the first time is able to look away from him, unless they're not in the right mindset." Yuta furrows his eyebrows as he takes in Doyoung's words, and the other lets out a laugh. "And no, before you ask, it isn't because he does a hivemind like Ten. It's just that he has that effect on people." 

"If you say so. I was enjoying it though, I feel bad." Yuta says, casting a glance to the door behind him and Doyoung shakes his head. 

"Don't. Johnny will understand, and there's no reason to go back inside now if we've already left. We've missed part of the show, now." Yuta nods slowly as Doyoung speaks. "It'd be like going in halfway through a movie and trying to understand what happened while you were gone without anyone to explain the plot to you."

Yuta laughs, pushing himself away from the wall. "Thank you for actually explaining things in a way that's easy to understand, unlike Kun and his vague metaphors." Doyoung smiles a bit at him. Yuta feels his heart skip a beat. 

"That happens when you're immortal, I suppose. You have lots of time to think of the most vague way to phrase anything and everything." Yuta laughs in response, stepping closer to him. The playful banter is something he never really expected to actually get to experience with Doyoung. It seemed impossible until the past few weeks.

Yuta casts another glance to the door back into the venue, before turning to meet Doyoung's eyes. "So if we don't want to go back in and catch the last half of the movie that is Shai's residency.." Doyoung tilts his head as Yuta speaks. "The night is still young!"

He starts off, starting to head down a path that will take them off campus. Yuta pauses, turning to look at Doyoung who is still standing back near the building and watching him curiously. 

"Are you coming?" He calls, a grin spreading over his face as Doyoung starts to follow him.

The bar that Yuta brings him to isn't far from campus. It's one that he used to frequent with Yuto often, but the general demographic isn't actually usually university students, from what he can remember. Yuta hopes that it'll be quiet enough that maybe he and Doyoung can talk. The fact that Doyoung is going somewhere with him willingly isn't something Yuta expected by any means, but he's not going to look a gift horse in its mouth, and he can only hope that the bar is to Doyoung's standards. 

Then again, it isn't as though Yuta knows what Doyoung's standards are. They haven't spent that much time together yet - Yuta just has this terrible habit of getting ahead of himself when it comes to Doyoung, apparently. He can't seem to help it. 

Yuta brings Doyoung into the bar, watching him out of the corner of his eye as they make their way towards a booth. He's about to offer to go get the drinks while Doyoung grabs the booth when there's someone pulling at the sleeve of his jacket. His head jerks around to see a boy with stars in his eyes who is staring up at him. 

"Kagutsuchi, it's seriously you?" Yuta can tell he's drunk already and he smiles, a little placating, before he steps to the side to get out of his grip. 

He nods as the boy stares at him, and he can feel the weight of Doyoung's gaze on his back. "It's nice to meet you." Yuta says gently, and the boy takes another step closer. Yuta can see Doyoung tense next to him. He reaches back to loop his fingers around Doyoung's wrist, giving it a gentle squeeze. 

"My name is Yongsoon, I went to your residency, it was - it was amazing, you were amazing. I've never felt that way during a residency before and I've been to almost everyone's!" Yongsoon, apparently, is babbling now, drunk on not only alcohol but maybe on being so close to the gods that he seems to hold so dear. 

Yuta hasn't actually met a fan before, and he's sort of endeared by the idea that someone cares about him that much - that someone thinks that highly of him. Yuta is about to respond when a girl appears, draping her arm around Yongsoon's shoulders. 

"Sorry about him, he's wasted. He'll be so embarrassed that he approached you. Have a good night!" She chirps, before dragging him off, and Yuta watches as Yongsoon cranes his head around to wave at him. 

Yuta watches for a beat longer before turning to Doyoung, dropping his wrist sheepishly. There's an odd expression on Doyoung's face, but before Yuta can say anything, Doyoung is clearing his throat.

"I'll go get the booth." He says quietly, his voice unreadable as he heads to the small booth in the corner. Yuta watches him go before heading to the bar. 

It's familiar, leaning against the dark oak of the bar as he waits for the bartender to make her way over to him. Once she does, he fixes her with a grin. He's positive that he's seen her before, but she isn't one of the regular bartenders that he and Yuto used to chat with when they would frequent the establishment 

Yuta realises as he's about to order that he doesn't know what Doyoung likes in terms of alcohol. He decides to order a bottle of red wine, one of the most expensive ones because he has the means to do so now. It isn't exactly the type of drink one would often have in this sort of place, with a focus on craft beers and specialty cocktails, but he figures he probably can't go too wrong with wine. 

He carries the bottle and two glasses over to the table where Doyoung is waiting, tapping away on his phone as he slides in across from him. Doyoung looks up, taking in what he's gotten and raising an eyebrow.

"You can't judge, you didn't tell me what you like and what you don't," Yuta points out, pouting at him for a moment before he pours wine into both of the glasses. He pushes one across the table to Doyoung, who takes it and sips it slowly. "Good, right?" Yuta says, before he's even taken a sip of his own. He does, finally and it is good. Then again, something that expensive should be good.

"I don't really like wine." Doyoung remarks, shrugging before he takes another drink from his glass.

Yuta snorts unceremoniously. "That was a big gulp of wine for someone who doesn't even like wine." There's a smile tugging on the corner of his lips as he says it, eyes focused on Doyoung just to see the slight scowl that crosses his face. 

Yuta can't help but laugh at the sight, which makes Doyoung's scowl deepen for just a moment, but it lightens up again moments later. Yuta feels a lightness in his chest at the sight. A comfortable silence passes between them for a few moments, both of them sipping at their wine quietly.

"That was interesting, wasn't it?" Yuta says after a moment, and Doyoung looks up to him, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"What? Johnny's residency? Your questionable taste in alcohol?" He asks, and Yuta laughs, leaning back against the booth before he shakes his head. 

"No, that fan. Yongsoon." He explains, lifting his glass to his lips once again.

Doyoung sighs. "I guess interesting is one word for it." Yuta tilts his head at his reaction. 

"I haven't met a fan before. I haven't met anyone who's recognized me on the street." Yuta tries again, trying to explain to Doyoung why, exactly, he thought it was interesting. Doyoung doesn't necessarily seem interested in that, shaking his head as if he is dismissing the thought. 

"He was drunk and clinging onto your arm." Doyoung points out and Yuta shrugs in response. Doyoung settles him with a gaze, an almost curious expression on his face. "You didn't mind?"

"I've never had that effect on anyone." Yuta says quietly, and Doyoung lets out a sigh. Yuta has the feeling that Doyoung is rather disenfranchised with the whole god thing. That might be an understatement.

Doyoung pushes his wine glass to the side slightly, leaning on the table with his forearms for just a moment. Yuta watches him carefully. 

"Yuta, you have that effect on so many people." Doyoung says. Yuta purses his lips, drumming his fingers on the marbled top of the table in between them. "I'm serious."

"I know, I saw the crowd at my residency." 

Doyoung shakes his head, an almost sad looking crossing his face. "That isn't what I meant." 

Yuta's about to open his mouth to ask him what he means by that, but Doyoung beats him to the punch, setting down his glass after he takes a long drink from his wine. 

"This is a nice bar, despite what I'm being forced to drink." Doyoung remarks, and Yuta has to quell the frustration at the sudden change in conversation. It feels as though every single time that he's about to make progress with talking about things, with asking Doyoung to explain what he means, he's pushed back into a completely different subject.

It's as if Doyoung doesn't want to talk to him about things at all. Yuta knows he needs to probably slow down and accept that just because Doyoung came along to a bar with him doesn't mean that he wants to suddenly be sharing his innermost thoughts. 

It's hard to remember that he needs to be taking baby steps, that Doyoung is territory that he needs to tread carefully on. 

"It was one of my favorites." Yuta says, a smile on his lips as he thinks about all of the memories that the bar holds. He and Yuto always considered it their local, even though it wasn't really near to their apartment at all. "My roommate and I used to come here all the time." 

Yuta remembers the last time that he brought up _before_ with Doyoung. How Doyoung closed him out nearly instantly, told him to leave before they could even have a conversation. He knows that he needs to approach the topic with caution, now, to avoid Doyoung just up and leaving in the middle of their conversation. He wouldn't be surprised if he did exactly that.

Doyoung simply hums, taking a sip from his wine, before he responds. "I can see why. It's much quieter than most of the other ones in the area." 

Yuta wonders what sort of bars Doyoung used to go to. What his standard weekend looked like, if he preferred a quiet night in with friends to a night out with a crowd of people he didn't know, much like he used to. There's so many questions sitting at the tip of his tongue, but Yuta doesn't ask any of them. Not yet.

"Exactly, Yuto and I never were the types to go out to a place that was too loud. Honestly, the residencies are about the only places that loud music and loads of people doesn't bother me." Yuta explains, watching Doyoung carefully over the rim of his glass to see if he reacts to Yuta naming his roommate. He knows that Doyoung had at least a few mutual friends with him while they were still in university.

Doyoung's face, however, doesn't change in expression as he watches Yuta, sipping on his wine as he does so.

"I can barely stand even them most of the time. I suppose it’s interesting to see the others residencies, but they’re so loud." Yuta shifts forward as Doyoung speaks, shifting to fold one of his legs up under his body, leaning on his elbow on the table.

He tries to not come off as too overeager to learn more about Doyoung as he speaks again. "So I'm assuming places like this would have been your usual haunts before, then?" 

Doyoung's eyes narrow slightly and he shakes his head. "Does it matter?"

There's so much that Yuta wants to learn about Doyoung. So much that he wants to know. But aside from the small details of who Doyoung is now, Yuta want to know who he was before. What he was like, how he came to be the man he is in the present.

"Of course it does, why wouldn't it matter?" Yuta asks, tilting his head and Doyoung scoffs. Before he can speak and tell him exactly why it doesn't matter, though, Yuta continues to speak. "It matters because I want to know about you, Doyoung. I know you clearly don't want me to know a lot about you, but I don't understand why." 

There's a barely concealed eye roll that crosses Doyoung's face, and Yuta can feel his chest grow tight with the mounting tension between them. 

Maybe it's the wine, he isn't sure, but he feels suddenly braver than he has before. Yuta is tired of walking on eggshells around Doyoung. He doesn't want to push him away, sure, but he also doesn't want to act so precariously around him that they can't get anywhere. 

Yuta doesn't want to be stagnant, not with Doyoung. "I don't understand what I've done that makes you so unwilling to speak to me about anything that isn't just - it isn't just surface level." He says, frustrated. 

"It isn't anything you've done." Doyoung starts, and Yuta shakes his head sharply.

"I don't believe that for a minute. You act differently with me than you do with everyone else in Zerzura. We've met before, Doyoung, I know we didn't spend much time together that night, but you weren't like this; you weren't so closed off with me then. I don't understand why that changed. It's clearly something to do with me." Doyoung makes an irritated noise in the back of his throat as Yuta speaks.

"Stop bringing up the past, Yuta." 

It feels as though they're talking in circles. Yuta trying to get Doyoung to open up, Doyoung shutting him down. Rinse and Repeat. Yuta feels as though they're never going to move forward. 

"Why? Why do I have to stop bringing it up?" He questions, not willing to back down this time. Yuta a few weeks ago, before he and Doyoung had ever truly had a conversation that wasn't Doyoung glaring at him, would have already shut up, changed the subject to something that wouldn't make Doyoung snap at him. 

Doyoung's gaze is hard when Yuta meets his eyes. It almost makes him sit back, but he holds his breath and stays still instead, heart pounding in his chest. He feels like he's so close to a crack in Doyoung's carefully constructed armor. 

"It doesn't matter anymore, none of it does. The past doesn't matter anymore, because we've all got an expiration date." Doyoung tells him, leaving no room for argument as he stands out of the booth, shrugging his coat over his shoulders and heading for the door.

Yuta is stunned into silence for a moment, before he too pushes himself out of the booth, barely getting his own jacket on before he follows after Doyoung.

When he steps outside, he finds that Doyoung hasn't strayed far from the door, as if he wanted fresh air but didn't want to entirely leave Yuta behind. 

It's obvious by the way Doyoung swallows as Yuta steps out into the cold night with him that he notices Yuta is there. Yuta stays quiet for a moment, buttoning up his jacket silently as he tries to decide what to say.

"When I was eighteen, I left Osaka and came to Seoul. I barely knew the language." Yuta's voice is quiet as he speaks. "I just knew I wanted to go to university here. I spent a year working in a tiny flower shop in Myeongdong, learning Korean properly so I could attend university comfortably." 

Yuta watches as Doyoung's fingers curl into fists at his side for a moment, before they loosen again. "I got into the architecture program at Seoul National University on a scholarship. I was always pretty studious, but also kept to myself a lot of the time. I had a lot of friends, but I didn't go out of my way to draw attention to myself." 

Yuta drags the toe of his boot against the pavement before he continues. "I never thought I'd be a god. I never thought I'd be much of anything. But I am something, without even asking to be. Coming back to places like this, places I always used to go to, it reminds me that I was something before. And you're something now, but you were something before too."

A part of him wonders if he's said too much. The hard line of Doyoung's jaw says that he definitely might have. But it doesn't stop him. He's started and he can't stop before he does his best to make Doyoung see that the past doesn't have to just be locked away.

"It matters, Doyoung. It's important. It might not be important to you, but it's important to me. You aren't just Savitr. I'm not just Kagutsuchi. You’re Doyoung, and I want to know _Doyoung_. I wish I could."

It's only then that Doyoung even so much as acknowledges that he's been speaking. He turns to look at Yuta, and he looks tired. Maybe a little bit sad. 

"I'm going home. Join me if you want, or don't. I don’t care." Doyoung tells him before he turns and walks away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorryyyy that i only teased yuta's residency more coming later i promise xo


	6. Chapter 6

Yuta hates the fact that the past two weeks have passed by with nearly no communication with Doyoung. He's very clearly been avoiding Yuta since the night at the bar, and he can't even pretend to not understand why. 

He isn't sure if he would go so far as to call it a fight, but he does know that he has clearly pushed Doyoung a little too far. Doyoung obviously doesn't want to speak about the past. What he doesn't understand is why; Doyoung doesn’t seem to think the past matters at all, but Yuta doesn’t agree with that. 

They both clearly have different outlooks on their experience as gods. Yuta doesn't think it's a bad thing, but he also hasn't exactly spent a lot of time thinking about what happens at the end of the two years, while Doyoung clearly _has_ thought about it often. 

Despite the connection tying their souls together, or whatever it was that Eir had written about, Yuta is convinced at this point that Doyoung doesn't even care for him. Maybe the only reason that he even bothered to go to the bar with him that night was an attempt to try to like him, to ease their connection, or something. Yuta doesn’t know why Doyoung would bother, but then again he doesn’t exactly understand anything about Doyoung.

Every time he comes into a room, Doyoung leaves. He hasn't attended any residencies in the past few weeks, not since Johnny's when they left together. There's a weight pressing down on his chest when he thinks about it. Doyoung clearly hasn't been happy in the Pantheon if all he can focus on is the _end_, and Yuta has clearly made all of that even worse without meaning to.

It isn't as though Yuta chose to have his soul tied to Doyoung's. He isn't sure that you get much of a choice in the matter. Between what Taeil told him and what he read of Eir's journals, he’s pretty positive there isn’t any at all. Much like in the matter of becoming a god - it just happens. Fates aligned and all that. 

A part of him wonders if Doyoung even knows about the connection. Yuta is almost certain that he does, he seems to know more about the Pantheon and the inner workings of it all than Yuta could ever hope to know, considering he's seen Doyoung heading into the library when he leaves the room to get away from him. 

He can’t be sure that Doyoung is reading Pantheon theory. Maybe he’s reading something light-hearted to try to take his mind off of things. Of course, Yuta doesn’t really think that’s what Doyoung is reading, but he can’t be positive either way. 

The tension between them is clear in Zerzura. Yuta wishes that it wasn't; he can feel the almost pitying gazes on him whenever Doyoung abruptly leaves a room as he enters. He can see the way that the conversation halts when he's nearby. It's beyond frustrating and not to mention embarrassing. He hates to be the center of a conflict; he'd much rather play mediator, but it seems like there's no other option but to grin and bear it.

It's late in the morning as he and Ten make breakfast together in the kitchen. Ten's a better cook than he expects, though he supposes that he gets outshined by the likes of Taeyong and Jaehyun. They're not making anything fancy, but it's also not the quick piece of fruit that he's grabbed on his way back to his room most mornings lately in an attempt to avoid upsetting the balance of the house any further. 

"You know, you're a really bad actor - hey, could you hand me that bowl of kimchi?" Ten asks, nodding to the small ceramic bowl placed on the counter. Yuta scowls and brings the bowl over to him. 

"Thanks, Ten. I really wanted your opinion on my acting skills. Did you know I was going to audition for a part at the National Theatre?" Yuta says dryly, raising an eyebrow. Ten grins up at him before he stirs the kimchi into the pot he has on the stove. Yuta rolls his eyes, lifting his coffee mug up to his lips.

There's a pointed tone to his voice when he speaks again. "You aren't? Because I was so sure you’ve been trying to act like you aren't into Doyoung anymore." 

Yuta nearly chokes on his coffee, setting the mug down and pressing a hand against his chest as he tries to stop coughing. Ten grins in response to his outburst, and Yuta has never thought Ten to be particularly annoying, but in that moment, Yuta thinks he's absolutely the most irritating person that he's ever met, considering he clearly knows more than he's letting on. 

"So now he's quiet." Ten teases, turning back to his pot of food and Yuta frowns at him, taking another sip of coffee to wash down the residual coughs. 

"Shut up," he says, though without any heat. Ten laughs again, and he's about to say something more, Yuta can just _tell_ from the look in his eye, before the front door slams open. They both turn their heads to watch as Jaemin comes inside, followed closely behind by Jeno and Donghyuck. He's still got some glitter high on his cheeks from his stage makeup.

"Are you making food?" He asks, crossing to peer over Ten's shoulder into the pot. Ten elbows him out of the way.

"I am, you can have some when I'm done. Go change, all of you, you smell like you were out rolling around in the grass like a bunch of lion cubs or something." Ten scrunches up his nose and Jaemin laughs loudly before turning to head out of the kitchen. 

Yuta doesn't think they were actually rolling around in the grass, but considering Jaemin's residencies are often warm and bright as the sun rises, no matter what temperature it is outside, it probably made it seem like they might have done just that.

He's thankful for their interruption, in any case, as he isn't exactly sure that he wanted to talk too much about what happened between him and Doyoung. Ten has a certain way of pushing about these kind of things, and Yuta doesn't know how much he should say, or even how much there is to say. 

There's a sound at the door of the kitchen and Yuta turns, just in time to see Doyoung retreating. 

Yuta takes a step away from Ten, and when he turns to look at him, Ten has one eyebrow raised. "I'm not actually that hungry. Give my portion to one of the kids." He mutters, rolling his eyes at the wink Ten gives him before he heads out of the kitchen.

He trails through the house, and it doesn't take long until he realises that Doyoung has gone into the library. The door is slightly ajar, not entirely closed shut and Yuta pauses in front of it. 

A part of him thinks that he should just leave Doyoung be. He clearly doesn't want to talk, clearly has no interest in it. But at the same time, he feels like he can't just let this continue. If it was only the two of them that was impacted, sure. But the fact is that nearly everyone in the house has long since realised the tension between them at this point. 

Yuta sucks in a deep breath before pushing open the door. 

Doyoung is sitting at the table again, an old book set in front of him, and the leather notebook that Yuta had noticed the first night he saw him in the library sitting next to him.

It takes a moment for him to realise Yuta is at the door and when he does, instead of the hard gaze that Yuta was expecting, he's met with an eye roll. Yuta frowns, closing the door behind him and taking a few steps closer to where Doyoung is sitting. Doyoung immediately closes his notebook.

"Listen, I'm fully aware that you have an issue with me." Yuta begins, crossing his arms over his chest and staring at Doyoung, who simply raises his eyebrows and opens his mouth. "No, Doyoung. Let me talk before you say 'I don't have an issue with you' or you try to leave like you always do. Because if I'm being honest, I don't believe when you say that you don't have an issue and if you just keep leaving we aren't ever going to actually have a proper conversation that doesn't end too early." 

Doyoung settles back against his chair then, waving a hand nonchalantly as if motioning for Yuta to continue, which he does. "I understand that you have an issue with me and that you clearly don't like me, but there are eleven other people in this house and they've all noticed and I'd like for people to stop pitying me like I'm some stupid lovesick teenager who was just shot down by the most popular boy in school." 

By the time he finishes and gets it all out, Yuta feels a little out of breath. He knows he probably looks petulant, standing in front of Doyoung with his arms crossed over his chest, staring him down with a frown on his face. 

To his credit, Doyoung actually stays quiet as he speaks, and Yuta isn't sure if it's good that he's apparently rendered him speechless or bad that he has nothing to say to him. 

"Well?" He says a moment later, running his tongue over his lips and Doyoung laughs, a harsh sound escaping his lips. Yuta winces slightly.

"Oh, I'm allowed to talk now, am I?" Yuta feels his own gaze harden automatically. 

He might not know much about Doyoung, but what he has learned about Doyoung is that he fights with his words, and Yuta's gone and made himself his next target, it appears. 

Yuta lets out a sigh, holding his ground as he stands in front of him. "Cut the bullshit, Doyoung. You know as well as I do that you have changed the subject or cut me short every single time I've tried to talk to you about anything in the past few weeks." 

Doyoung pushes his chair back from the table and the noise is harsh, loud. Yuta exhales as Doyoung stands, the few inches that separate them in height seeming even more prominent than ever. 

"If you think I don't like you, that's an entirely different issue, Yuta." Doyoung says, a low tone to his voice.

Yuta scoffs. "You haven't exactly given me anything to the contrary." He points out, raising an eyebrow at him. 

Doyoung simply shakes his head, and reaches to pick up his notebook. He tucks it under his arm, and then proceeds to do the same to the book that he had been reading. 

The fire in his chest has died down, and Yuta is left with this nearly-empty feeling in his chest as he watches Doyoung, almost like an ache.

"I can't keep doing this, Doyoung." Yuta says finally, his voice quiet. "I can't keep pushing for more from you. I can't sit around and wait and hope that one day you're going to open up to me when I'm hit with a brick wall every single time I think that I'm getting somewhere." 

He watches as Doyoung moves towards the door, and nearly trips over his words to make sure he can get it all out before Doyoung leaves. "I know that you know about the two souls thing too. I _know_ you do. But I can't keep trying when you won't give me anything back." 

Every word that he says feels like a stab to his chest. Is this what having a soulmate is like? 

Doyoung lets out a sigh, pausing just in front of the door. "I didn't ask you to try, Yuta."

It feels like a punch to the gut, and then Doyoung is gone.

Kun finds him later that night, on the balcony attached to his room. Yuta is watching the dark clouds rolling in over Seoul, going over every single thing that Doyoung said to him. It feels like he can't stop thinking about it. 

"Yuta, you missed dinner." Yuta turns to see Kun standing in the doorway, a smile on his lips before he steps out onto the balcony with him. "Taeyong put some in the fridge for you to have later." 

Yuta smiles, a little sad around the edges. "Thank you." 

A silence passes between them as Kun leans against the balcony next to him. He knows that he's probably caused Taeyong to worry a bit, and the idea makes his chest twist slightly. He didn't mean to cause worry, but he couldn't bring himself to go downstairs with everyone else. Over the past few weeks, Doyoung has been the one avoiding being around everyone else, not Yuta. 

But now, he can't seem to help barricading himself in his room like some sort of moody teenager. 

"I haven't spoken to Doyoung, but I did overhear the two of you this afternoon." Kun says finally after a few minutes of silence. Yuta groans, dropping his head down to his hands. He already felt embarrassed because of his outburst and Doyoung's reaction, but knowing that Kun heard it as well? Even worse.

"I let things get out of hand. But he's right, isn't he? He didn't ask for me to try with him. He didn't ask for me to bother. I was doing it without considering how he feels." Yuta feels a little sick when he says it, remembering the cold look in Doyoung's eyes. Remembering the soft click of the door and how he was alone immediately after.

Kun hums, fingers tapping over the cold metal of the balcony rails. "I suppose he didn't ask. But when your souls are tied together, one doesn't have to ask." 

Yuta's heart beats heavily in his chest as Kun mentions the two souls that he had read about in Eir's journal. 

"But he clearly doesn't want to have his soul tied to mine, Kun. You should have seen his face, you should have..." Yuta trails off, shaking his head. He feels foolish for talking about it. Feels foolish for the pang in his chest as he says it out loud. 

"Do you know what Doyoung has been looking up in the library?" Kun asks him, and Yuta furrows his eyebrows.

He doesn't have any clue what Doyoung has been reading about so diligently. If he had to hazard a guess, he would say he's probably been looking for a way to sever the connection between the two souls, but saying it out loud feels a little dramatic, so he keeps those thoughts to himself and instead just shakes his head in response.

"Well, honestly, it isn't for me to tell you. But rest assured that Doyoung feels the same longing you do." Yuta almost laughs at that. There's truly no way that Doyoung could possibly feel the same way that he does, not when he's so very clearly closed Yuta out because of his feelings. 

Yuta turns away from facing out over Seoul, instead leaning his back against the cold metal bars. He can feel them pressing through his shirt, and it causes a shiver to run through him. 

"Then why does he.." Yuta trails off for a moment, pursing his lips as he tries to figure out how to word the questions in his mind. "Why does he act like he doesn't want to get to know me? Like he doesn't even care? Sorry- I must sound like such a brat. Oh no, the boy who I like doesn't like me back." He lets out a somewhat bitter laugh, staring up at the sky because this was exactly the scenario he'd described to Doyoung earlier in the library, it seems.

Kun lets a small smile settle on his lips and he shakes his head. "Did you know my soul is tied to another as well? Just like yours." Yuta rolls his head over to look at Kun as he begins to talk. "The problem is that every recurrence, I have no idea which gods are going to take human form. I have no idea of which recurrence he's going to appear in, if he appears at all."

Yuta bites down on his bottom lip. "Dionysus, right?" 

Kun nods. Yuta thinks of Ten. Of enigmatic, caring, incredible Ten. He thinks of Kun hoping every 90 years that he'll get to see him again. He shivers.

"This isn't about me, however. It isn't about Ten and I. My point is, that I imagine much like I fear when, or rather, when I will not get to see Dionysus again, to have those two years with him, Doyoung is fearing much of the same." 

Yuta stays quiet. He hadn't considered that. Compared to Doyoung, perhaps compared to most of the others, his mind doesn't often linger on the two year expiration date, as Doyoung had called it. He can't even remember the last time that he actually thought about it aside from when Doyoung had mentioned it. 

"There's no telling when Kagutsuchi and Savitr will meet again. In fact, you haven't met before. Which is why Doyoung is having such a difficult time right now, I would say." For once, Kun isn't being entirely vague and Yuta appreciates it more than he can say. He has known that Kun is wise, but the reality is that Kun knows more about himself than he could ever hope to know.

"Do we.. We don't remember things from past recurrences, do we?" Yuta asks, needing the clarification.

Kun shakes his head. "No, but the soul knows their match." 

Yuta lets Kun's words sink in. The soul knows their match. His soul knows his match. His soul knows Doyoung, just as Doyoung's knows him. 

Yuta lets out a breath at the thought of it. It doesn't make sense to him, per se, but it surely explains what he's been feeling and why he's been so drawn to Doyoung. Why he's been so almost desperate for him. 

It makes him feel minuscule bit better that he hasn't been feeling this way out of nowhere, that there appears to be a reason. 

"I think I understand." Yuta says, reaching behind him to curl his fingers in the cold metal bars for a moment. "When the two years are up, we're just.. we're going to be separated. And, maybe, Doyoung is afraid of what that means." Yuta nearly echoes his words, glancing over at Kun to see if that's what he meant. 

Kun nods, that warm and comforting smile on his lips again. "When the Great Darkness comes, that's when the recurrence ends. That's when the next cycle begins, and there's no telling who will come back for the future cycles." 

Yuta knows he's heard of the Great Darkness, but he isn't sure what it means. He's about to ask Kun to explain more when Kun stands, his hand touching Yuta's shoulder gently, holding onto him for a moment.

"Give him time, Yuta. That's all you can do right now." Yuta nods in response before Kun steps back into through the door inside. 

As he watches him go, he's reminded of his very first night at Zerzura, when Kun left him alone with his thoughts at the end of the evening. It feels very much the same, and Yuta doesn't feel as though he has any more questions answered than he did before.


	7. Chapter 7

Following his conversation with Kun, Yuta decides that he isn't going to lock himself away any longer. If Doyoung wants to continue to make things awkward for the others in Zerzura with his refusal to speak to him, that isn't going to weigh on his shoulders any longer. Yuta knows he's done all he can; the ball is entirely in Doyoung's court now, and it's up to him if he's going to do something about it. 

He focuses, instead, on fitting himself into the family that has formed at Zerzura. He's been at the house for four months, and it does feel more like home than he ever expected. Even as Christmas comes and goes, it feels like this is where he's meant to be. 

Sometimes, particularly near the holidays, there's an ache of missing his family and missing home. He does his best to focus on other things, however, to distract himself. It's easier that way, he tells himself. He knows it might be more difficult to have constant communication with his family, and cutting things off when he became a god was a decision that was not made lightly. 

Yuta has to remind himself that all of the gods in Zerzura are in the same boat. They all have a timer hanging over their heads. They've all had family that they've left behind. They all have to learn to adjust to this new life that they've been destined to lead. 

It's easier once he remembers that he isn't alone.

The first residency of the new year is upon them, and Yuta goes with Johnny, Taeil and Jeno to see Mark perform. He's been excited to see his residency, and has been looking forward to focusing entirely on the performance rather than on all the thoughts of Doyoung that are constantly threatening to overtake his mind. 

It's been almost an entire month since that morning in the library with Doyoung, and Yuta finds himself missing him more than he's willing to admit.

Almost in opposition to the enigmatic, bright image that Mark nearly always shows, his residency is the most lowkey of all of the ones that Yuta has attended. There are hundreds of people there, sure, but it really feels as though there are only twenty others with him in the venue. It feels small and intimate, almost. 

The venue that it's being held in has low ceilings, the floor and walls are covered in a rich mahogany that makes everything feel warm and comfortable. As far as Yuta can tell, it's perfect for Mark, for _Bragi_, even if it might be unexpected from Mark himself. Mark is comfortable, Mark is easy to be around, and his residency is exactly the same way.

It's halfway through the performance when someone tries to get onstage to get to Mark.

Security stops it nearly instantly, hauling the fan off. They don't know his intentions, don't know exactly what the fan was going to do once they got to Mark. The idea sends a shiver down his spine. 

It's the only time in this recurrence where a residency is cut short, and as they're heading backstage to collect Mark to take him home to Zerzura, there's a weight that hangs over all of them.

That might be putting it lightly. There’s a buzzing energy in the Pantheon, everyone worried about what this means; why was this person trying to get to Mark and what was their goal? In a way, it seems as though everyone knows something that he doesn’t know about the way that fans can behave towards the various members of the Pantheon. 

Mark reassures them as they arrive at Zerzura that he's fine, that he just wants to go to bed. Yuta's sure that Taeyong fretting over him isn't doing much good, and Yuta gently pulls Taeyong into the living room as Mark heads off to bed, Donghyuck following right behind him. 

"He'll be alright, Taeyong. Hyuck will stay with him." Jaehyun reassures him as Yuta pulls him down onto the couch. Taeyong pouts and looks over his shoulder to the stairs.

"I know. I just.. He's such a good kid, he doesn't deserve that." Taeyong sighs, slumping slightly against the cushions of the couch. Yuta pulls his legs up onto the couch with him, hugging them to his chest and resting his chin on his knees as he hums his assent. 

Yuta doesn't get it either, doesn't understand _why Mark_. Out of everyone, it seems as though Mark has always done his best to try to be inviting and welcoming to everyone, kind to every single Pantheon fan that he meets. Yuta can't wrap his mind around anyone trying to cross that boundary with him. He wishes, not for the first time that evening, that he knew what they were trying to do.

Jaehyun nods, messing with the pillow that's in his lap. "He doesn't deserve that. Nobody does, but it happens sometimes, I'm sure. You know how fans get sometimes when they're at residencies. They just want more and more." 

It's something that Yuta hasn't really experienced yet - most of his experiences with fans have been positive up until that point. However, he knows that the others have all had much more experience than he has in that department. 

"Do you think.." Taeyong starts, trailing off. His eyes are large, almost owlish as Yuta turns to look at him. It takes a moment before Taeyong speaks again. "Do you think that it was the Prometheus Gambit?"

Yuta furrows his eyebrows - Prometheus Gambit isn't a term that he's heard before. 

"That's been nearly proven to just be a legend, Taeyong." Yuta freezes as he hears Doyoung's voice, before he exhales slowly, determined not to let the effect that Doyoung has on him show in that moment. There are more important things to focus on, his stupid crush on Doyoung's soul (or whatever this whole mess is) can wait. 

Taeyong frowns before he shifts slightly to look at Doyoung as he comes to stand behind Jaehyun's chair. "But how do we know for sure? It's not like anyone in recent recurrences have tried it, right? So maybe it does actually work." 

Yuta coughs awkwardly, and Jaehyun's attention directs over to him. "Someone fill me in, I don't even know what the Prometheus Gambit _is_." He points out, letting out a sigh. 

"It's a legend that says if you-" Jaehyun stops himself, clearing his throat. Yuta spares a glance to Taeyong, who is hugging a pillow close to his chest, looking as worried as he's ever seen him. "It says if a mortal gets close to a god and says 'Prometheus' before killing them, they'll get all of the god's powers and become a god themselves."

Yuta feels a chill run through his body at the thought.

"Aside from not understanding why anyone would want _this_ from any of us, it's just a legend." Doyoung says, a tone of finality to his voice. "We don't know what the fan wanted with Mark, but it doesn't matter because they were taken care of and Mark is safe upstairs. It’s just a legend. A myth." 

Maybe, despite what he's always seemed to think about the fans of the Pantheon, they aren't as well intentioned as he had thought. 

Yuta can tell that Doyoung's words have done little to set Taeyong at ease, and he reaches out to pull him into a hug, which Taeyong immediately returns, wrapping his arms around Yuta's waist and holding tight. 

Yuta gives Taeyong a soft squeeze, and he can feel Doyoung's eyes on him. "He's right, you know. Mark's fine now, and I heard Kun talking about how the security is going to be upped for the next few months." 

Not just the next few months. The final few months.

The following days at Zerzura aren't as carefree as Yuta has come to expect, but he can’t be surprised. For the most part, everyone is relaxed at the house, using it as a space to unwind and just enjoy the company of others. Of course, he and Doyoung have been the obvious exception to that, but now there's a solemn energy that seems to have spread throughout the entire house.

Donghyuck and Jaemin do their best to lighten the mood, poking and prodding at everyone to get laughs out of them, but there's only so far that it can go. It doesn't help that whenever Mark is in the room, Donghyuck follows him around like a worried puppy. 

Mark reassures everyone continually that he's fine; that he's happy to continue his residencies like normal, but Kun is quick to shut him down. Kun tells him that if he isn't ready, he doesn't need to push himself. The look in his eyes is clear that he _isn't_ ready, but he feels an obligation, just as they all do, to reach the public through their residencies. 

While Yuta has always known that becoming a god isn't all fun and games (how could he not? Kun literally told him he was going to _die_ the first night that they met), he realises in the days that follow the incident at Mark's residency that he's been viewing the entire situation with rose colored glasses. 

The fans of the Pantheon took to him quickly and easily, simply because he was the final god and the one they had all been waiting for. He hasn't really experienced, or even witnessed, the negative aspect of being a god, not until now. He isn't sure how to take it. 

He focuses on the others as much as he can, on making sure Taeyong isn't worrying too much, on making breakfast with Mark, on spending time going into town to buy groceries with Ten. 

It's easier that way. It’s easier to focus on the others to think of his own end that is approaching quicker than he'd like to admit.

More and more often, Yuta finds himself drawn to the small garden in the back of Zerzura. The winter chill of January is still covering the entire garden, but he doesn't mind, just bundles on an extra layer or two before he heads outside. He likes the soft crunch of the frost beneath his feet in the mornings, likes the cold air that nips at his cheeks. 

It's a good place to head out to think before things pick up too much around the house, in any case. Yuta wasn't sure, initially, if he would want to be alone in his thoughts for too long, unsure of where his mind might go. However, he's found that he relishes it, that he needs those moments alone. 

He's slipped out early that morning, when the sun is just starting to peek over the peaks surrounding Zerzura, but not enough to warm anything yet. Yuta's pulled a thick black woollen jacket around his body as he makes his way out to the garden. It's quiet in the mornings like this - nothing quite awake yet, it feels like. It's as if the layer of frost that coats everything has muted the volume of the world just a little bit.

He doesn't think about anything in particular - just about his upcoming residency. About Jeno's residency the night before. About what they're going to do for dinner that night. About how Taeil and Johnny had looked so _happy_ the other night after coming home from Ten's residency. 

They're all fleeting thoughts and he reaches out to brush his fingers over the leaves of a large plant, brushing some of the frost off of the leaf to run his fingers over the smooth surface of the leaf underneath. He's lost thinking about everything yet somehow thinking about nothing of weight at all, mind focused on the feeling of the leaf beneath his fingertips, on the chill in the air, on the clouds hanging low above him.

"When I was eighteen, I left Guri for Seoul to attend university. I definitely knew the language, but I didn't know how much I actually liked Seoul." Yuta freezes when he hears Doyoung begins to speak behind him, his hand still on the leaf next to him, but he feels if he moves even an inch, this moment will shatter and he'll realise that it was all a dream. 

He would never have guessed that Doyoung would approach him first. For as much as Yuta has made it clear that the ball is in Doyoung’s court, he didn’t think that it would actually happen. Yuta thinks that turning around, looking at Doyoung might make him stop speaking, so he simply stands still, his back to Doyoung. His heart is pounding in his chest.

"I studied business at university. I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life, and business felt like a secure option. I've never been the sort of person to do things I'm not sure about. I never wanted to do things if I didn't know the end result." 

Yuta feels as though he knows this about Doyoung just from what he's been able to discover about him in the short bouts they've spent with each other. He stays quiet as soon as Doyoung starts speaking again. "Of course, that all changed when I met Kun. I didn't want it. I didn't want to be a god. I barely even believed in the Pantheon, I thought it was a hoax." Doyoung's voice is stable, clear. Yuta wonders what he looks like while he's speaking. It's the most he's ever heard him talk in one go, and he wants to turn and _see_, but he stays still. 

Doyoung pauses for a moment before he continues. "Hongseok was in my program. I had received my incantation from Kun two days before his party." Yuta sucks in a breath, holding it as Doyoung speaks. "I didn't go to parties, not usually. But I hadn't yet agreed to come to Zerzura with Kun, so I wanted.. I don't know what I wanted. To spend a night out like a normal university student would, I guess."

Yuta thinks back to that night. To the _Kim Dongyoung_ he had been introduced to by Hongseok and Jinho after a few drinks. To the way their eyes met and Doyoung had stared after him when he was whisked away by Yuto moments later. 

"This is cliche, and I feel ridiculous saying it. We aren't living in a romance drama." Doyoung lets out a laugh, almost huffing it out from his lips. It's then that Yuta can't keep his back to him any longer and turns around slowly. Their gazes meet, and Doyoung looks almost vulnerable. More vulnerable than he's ever seen him. 

Doyoung seems to be searching Yuta's face, as if he's expecting him to tell him to leave, or to tell him he isn't interested in hearing what he has to say. Yuta can't imagine ever not wanting to hear what Doyoung has to say. 

"I knew that you were going to become a god. I knew that night that our souls were tied together, that we had a connection. I didn't want you to be condemned the same way I felt like I was." Yuta watches the way that Doyoung swallows roughly, and he can see the unsure expression on his face. "I led Kun to some dead ends, just to distract him. I thought if I could distract him for long enough, he wouldn't find you." 

Doyoung's gaze drops to the ground then, and Yuta takes a small step forward. "You knew even then?" He asks, his voice soft and Doyoung nods, finally turning his gaze back to him.

They're both quiet for a few beats, as if they're trying to figure out what exactly to say. Yuta knows he isn't sure, he feels as though he's at a loss for words. He can only imagine Doyoung is probably feeling about the same. 

"So you do feel it too." Yuta clarifies, and Doyoung drops his head for a moment, before looking back to him. There's a small, almost wisp of a smile at the corner of his lips.

"I feel it too."

There is still a question pricking at the back of his mind - what, exactly, does he mean to Doyoung? He isn't sure, even so. He doesn't know precisely what it is that he means to him. Doyoung is the expert of saying things without saying exactly what he means, it seems. 

Yuta wants to be angry with him. He wants nothing more than to be angry with Doyoung, because he's felt the same thing Yuta has, but he's pushed him away. He's kept him at a distance and acted as though Yuta means nothing to him. 

Despite this, Yuta can't bring himself to be angry with him. He doesn't feel any bit of anger, just complete relief that he isn't alone in this feeling, in something that he doesn't entirely understand. 

"You're kind of aggravating, has anyone told you that before?" Yuta asks, pursing his lips against the smile that is trying to tug against them. Doyoung lets out a laugh, loud in the serenity of the early morning. Yuta finds he likes the sound, because it feels as though Doyoung is unbridled, like he isn't holding himself back anymore. Finally.

"One or two people. Ten, particularly, tends to tell me that on a regular basis." Yuta grins in response, the image of Ten telling Doyoung he's frustrating clear as day in his mind. "I'm not sure why you're telling me this, though."

Yuta laughs, reaching up to cover his mouth for a moment before he speaks. "Because you _are_, you've been acting like some standoffish asshole for the past few months and now I learn that you've been feeling the same way that I have?" 

Doyoung's face goes a bit more serious. "I know, Yuta. I've been.. less than kind to you. Less than friendly." Yuta responds with an eyeroll.

"That's an understatement." 

"I know it is. I kept hoping that, maybe, if I kept you at a distance, I wouldn't keep feeling this way for you. That a clean break might be easier." Yuta lets out a soft sigh. Somehow, what Doyoung is saying doesn't surprise him at all. "Clearly that wasn't the case at all. It didn't exactly help anything." 

Yuta raises an eyebrow at him. "Could have fooled me."

Doyoung's eyes close for a moment as if he's trying to collect his thoughts before speaking again. "I'm not saying that you need to let it go, but are you ever going to?"

Yuta pauses, his mind going over how he's felt for the past few months. How it felt as though he wasn't ever going to get through to Doyoung. How it felt like every time he made any sort of progress with him, he was immediately met with an impassable brick wall.

"Doyoung." Yuta begins, letting out the breath that he hadn't realised he had been holding. "It isn't that I'm not letting it go, but you have to know that you left me in the dark for a long time, right?" Doyoung nods, almost subdued, as if he knows what Yuta is saying is right. "I need to know that you're going to be more open with me about things. I'm not asking for a lot, just to be given _something_ sometimes."

Doyoung looks unsure, as if he isn't used to being open with someone else - and he supposes that's true, that he isn't used to it, at least since arriving in Zerzura. Taeyong has told him that Doyoung tends to keep his feelings to himself a lot of the time, that he would rather deal with things on his own than burden others with his thoughts. Yuta doesn't want that to be the case for him, not anymore. He wants Doyoung to feel as though he can open up to him. 

"I'm not saying that you need to tell me every little thought that goes through your mind, Doyoung. I just - I don't want you to close me out. A friendship can only work if it's a two way street." 

A friendship is all Yuta can hope for at the moment. Even if he desperately wants more from Doyoung, he knows that the first step is friendship. Even if they might not have much time left - he doesn't want to rush into anything when it's been only radio silence for the past few weeks. 

Doyoung sighs, before he nods. "Okay. I know you're right, I'm sorry. It's just that I've trained myself to have this guard up, not only around you; around the others too. But I'll work on it." Yuta can't help the bright smile that starts to spread on his lips, then. "For you. I'll work on it for you." 

Yuta feels like his heart is going to pound right out of his chest - but not in the way it usually does around Doyoung. He's so used to the confrontation with him, so used to the tension. This is a different feeling, but it's a _good_ type of different. He wouldn't trade it for the world.

"That's all I ask." Yuta tells him honestly, the hint of a smile tugging on his lips. 

A sound from the house behind them causes Yuta to turn, and he sees Jaemin and Jeno heading out the front door. They don't notice the two of them in the garden, but the noise has broken him out of some sort of reverie, broken him out of the feeling as though the two of them were the only two in the world. 

It was cliche and Yuta can't help but feel a little embarrassed at his own thoughts, a flush spreading on his cheeks. Their gazes met a moment later and Doyoung raised an eyebrow at him. Yuta simply shakes his head in response, dropping his eyes for a moment to the ground beneath their feet, the frost starting to melt off of the grass. 

"So, what now?" Doyoung's voice breaks through his thoughts and Yuta shrugs, before dragging his eyes back up to Doyoung's face. 

He isn't sure _what now_. He never could have guessed that Doyoung would actually approach him after he made it clear that the ball was in his court. Now that he has though, Yuta feels almost at a loss as to how to proceed. 

"We're friends, now. Just friends. We'll.. see what happens, I suppose." Yuta shrugs again, a small laugh escaping his lips. It feels juvenile, almost, that they have to talk about this. They're adults, they should be able to know how to behave around each other. 

Their situation is a bit different than most standard adults, though. 

"At the very least, hopefully this means that Jaehyun will stop hounding me." Doyoung says, shaking his head. "There's very little I want to do on my days off from performing and dealing with Jaehyun and Donghyuck's onslaught of questions is not one of those things."

Yuta laughs then, loud and bright - boisterous really. Doyoung looks slightly taken aback by the sudden display. It's the most he's let Doyoung hear from him. In the past, he's nearly always tried to keep his laughter (well, every sort of display of emotion) to a controlled level, because he wanted to present himself as somewhat neutral. Before, Yuta felt as though if he was to show any part of himself too strong in either direction that Doyoung wouldn't like it. 

Now, he isn't so sure that he cares. Doyoung can take him or leave him, exactly how he is. Their souls might be tied together, but in the past few weeks, Yuta has come to a point where he isn't desperate for Doyoung's approval any longer. 

It does, however, seem as though he does in fact have Doyoung's approval, as he responds to his laughter with a smile, bigger than Yuta's ever seen. Maybe they're both more at ease with each other now. 

"They're just curious about you, edgelord extraordinaire." He remarks, a smile spreading over his lips, a little teasing and Doyoung rolls his eyes despite his own grin. 

"What's that supposed to mean?" Yuta simply shrugs in response, finally starting to move back towards the house. Doyoung follows after him, still asking questions about how precisely he's an edgelord.

Yuta feels lighter than he has in months.


	8. Chapter 8

The next few weeks are spent comfortably together in Zerzura. Yuta doesn't miss the way that people give him pointed looks as he and Doyoung begin to tentatively spend time together. It's obvious to everyone in the house that they've begun to actually sort things out, that they're both working towards something of a more amicable existence.

Of course, it isn't as easy as a click of his fingers by any means. There's no magic word to suddenly make everything a smooth ride with Doyoung. Their budding friendship is slow going, Doyoung is still hesitant with him, and in return, Yuta is still rather tentative with him. They're careful with each other, which is something that Yuta is learning from Doyoung. He hasn't ever been necessarily careful with anyone before. 

Of course, Doyoung is different. He's always been different, Yuta supposes, from the moment that they've met. He doesn't mind being careful with him; in fact, he wants to be careful with Doyoung. He wants things to work out between them.

To Doyoung's credit, he is trying. Yuta has noticed that he's going out of his way to try to talk to him about what's on his mind, to open up and share with him. Yuta knows that it isn't easy for him, not at all. It means the world to him that Doyoung is trying. 

Yuta still isn't sure what direction their friendship is heading in. Sometimes, it feels as though Doyoung isn't interested in anything beyond the bare bones platonic relationship that they've kicked up, but other times, it feels as though he can feel Doyoung's gaze heavy on him. 

It's a confusing feeling, but Yuta has been trying to not focus on it, to just go with the flow and roll with the punches. It's hard to just take everything as it comes with Doyoung. Yuta's instinct is to try to figure out what they're doing and how he feels. He can't help that feeling, but it's been a learning process to not react that way instinctually with him. 

A part of Yuta doesn't even know what it is he himself wants out of their relationship, where he wants it to go. It's an odd feeling not having that all lined up and planned out. 

There's also the matter of the knowing looks Taeil keeps giving him, but Yuta doesn't feel as though he wants to talk about it with anyone. For some reason, he wants to keep their newfound relationship to himself. Of course, everyone in Zerzura can tell that they're on good terms for once, but as far as Yuta is concerned, that's really all that they need to know. 

He isn't sure why it is that he feels like he wants to keep it to himself for now. A part of it feels sacred, maybe. He doesn't think the others will taint it, per se, but it's just for him. Just for them. 

Yuta would like to keep it that way.

As the end of January approaches, Yuta finds out from Johnny and Taeyong that Doyoung's birthday is coming up soon. It happens over one of Taeyong's favorite conversational topics, zodiac signs. Yuta has barely been paying attention until Johnny mentions that Doyoung's birthday is at the start of the month.

A part of him wonders if Doyoung will be annoyed that he's found out when his birthday was, when he clearly wasn't going to bother to tell him or make a big deal of it. 

Johnny had told him already in the past that birthdays were sort of an odd, almost taboo thing in Zerzura. It makes sense, in a way, considering a birthday means one step closer to the two year mark. 

However, Yuta can't let the first of February come and go without saying anything, without doing anything. That isn't the sort of person he's ever been. 

He can remember being a kid back in Osaka and making his friends homemade cards every year for their birthday, for buying them tiny little toys from the gachapon at the shop down the road. He can remember getting up early to make his mother breakfast on her birthday, complete with a little flower picked from their garden laying on the tray that he carried in carefully to her room. He can remember doing all of the housework that his father had planned to do on his birthday before he even left his room in the morning just so he didn't have to work on his birthday. 

Yuta has always been one to want to make those closest to him feel special on their birthdays, and Doyoung is no exception to that. 

The morning of Doyoung's birthday, Yuta is up early, heading out of Zerzura to go down into the city. He gathers a few pastries that he knows Doyoung likes, before picking up mango bingsu just before he heads back. It's cold enough that it doesn't melt on the trek back to Zerzura, and while it might not be the ideal weather for bingsu, he knows that it's one of Doyoung's favorite treats, thanks to Taeyong.

Maybe it isn't exactly breakfast, but Yuta likes to think that Doyoung will appreciate it all the same. 

Bag of pastries on his arm and balancing the Bingsu with the caramel coffee he's picked up for Doyoung, he makes his way up the stairs to his bedroom. Jaehyun had told him that Doyoung was already awake, but even so, Yuta pauses in front of the door. 

He hasn't been inside Doyoung's room before. A part of him feels like it's the last place that Doyoung has that's his own, and he wonders if he should cross that line. Yuta sucks in a breath before knocking at the door.

There's a rustling behind the door, and then Doyoung appears as the door opens, looking slightly sleep rumpled in a hoodie and sweats. Yuta greets him with a big smile, holding up the coffee in his hand, the bag of pastries showing as well. 

"I brought coffee! And treats, too!" Yuta exclaims, and Doyoung blinks owlishly at him for a moment, before he steps aside and lets Yuta step inside of his room. 

"Why?" Doyoung asks him once he's inside and Yuta turns to look at him, acting as though he's affronted for just a moment, watching as Doyoung closes the door behind them.

"It's your birthday, so I brought you your favorites. Well, I sort of just guessed with most of the pastries, but I hope that you like them." He admitted, a laugh spilling from his lips as he crosses the room and sets the bingsu down on Doyoung's nightstand before he holds the coffee out for him to take.

As Doyoung sips on his coffee, Yuta takes a moment to take in his surroundings. Doyoung's room is somehow exactly what he would imagine for him. It's simple, with a small shelf of books pressed to the wall opposite his bed. The walls are an ash grey, the bedspread a dark red that compliments them. He doesn't have much decor at all, just a desk with a few pictures tacked up to the wall in front of it and the bookshelf. 

"You didn't have to do this, Yuta." Doyoung says, before sucking on the straw of his coffee again. Yuta turns back to Doyoung with a bright smile, shaking his head.

"Of course I did, it's your birthday." He points out, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. And to him, in a way, it is the most obvious thing in the world. Birthdays are birthdays, and he wants Doyoung to feel as though he has a day that's just his. "And from what I can tell, you definitely weren't planning to celebrate today, so I thought I'd bring the celebration to you."

There's a smile that's very clearly attempting to break through Doyoung's careful facade, and Yuta spots it. He's clearly done something right. He wasn't sure what Doyoung would think about him bringing a little birthday celebration to his room, but Yuta feels like it's all worth it just to see the almost shy smile on his features. 

Doyoung takes another long drink of his coffee before he crosses to his nightstand, setting it down next to the bingsu. "Well, let's look at what you've brought then," he says, smoothing out his bedspread and sitting on top of it. Yuta doesn't hesitate to follow after him, settling down next to him on the bed. 

Yuta can barely contain the excitement he feels, trying to not vibrate out of his skin as they sit close together on the edge of the bed. "Maybe that first." He says, pointing to the carton that the bingsu is in. Doyoung reaches for it, popping off the lid and letting out a laugh, bright and unapologetic in how loud it is. Yuta loves the sound of it.

"You really brought me bingsu when it's ready to start snowing any day," Doyoung remarks, the smile still settled on his face. It's one of Yuta's favorite sights, and he's glad that he's been able to bring it out of him, and on his birthday no less. 

"Mango bingsu, don't forget that part." He says, elbowing Doyoung playfully before he reaches to the plastic bag with the pastries, rifling around in it for a moment before he pulls out a spoon and hands it to Doyoung. "Eat it before it melts. It's a lot warmer in your room than it was outside on my walk back." 

Doyoung hums and digs his spoon into the ice. Yuta watches for a moment before he leans back on his elbows, looking around Doyoung's room carefully. "Your room is nice. You haven't done a lot of decorating." Not that he's done much either, but he's at least hung up a few things onto the walls and added a few more touches than Doyoung seems to have. 

He notices Doyoung shrug out of the corner of his eye, and he turns to look at him. "I just never saw a point." 

Yuta gets it, and he isn't surprised. The weight of the two year timestamp seems to press more heavily on Doyoung than it does on anyone else in the house. He isn't surprised that Doyoung wouldn't want to bother decorating in the face of the impending darkness. 

"It's still nice though, it suits you." Somehow, the room in all of it's muted colors was still on brand for Doyoung. Doyoung hums softly, before turning to face Yuta, tucking one leg up underneath his body. 

Yuta stays still, nearly laying down on the bed, watching as Doyoung dips out a scoop of the bingsu and holds it out. "Do you want some?" 

Yuta doesn't necessarily care for bingsu, and not to mention he'd brought it for Doyoung especially, but the way his heart rate picks up a little at the offer makes him sit up slightly. He leans in towards the spoon, closing his lips around it for a moment before leaning back and swallowing the cold treat. 

It's maybe a _little_ purposeful, the way that he retains eye contact with Doyoung as he does, his lips twitching up in a smile at the affronted expression on Doyoung's face. Yuta's trying to keep the laugh down as he leans back on his elbows. 

"I wasn't trying to feed you!" Doyoung exclaims, setting the bingsu down, though it's mostly finished now, a pout on his lips. Finally, Yuta lets the laugh break through his lips, falling back entirely on the bed as Doyoung shoves him playfully. 

He thinks he could get used to this.

Sicheng's residency is one that Yuta has been looking forward to for what feels like ages. At the very least, since he came into Zerzura himself, but he has heard of them before from Yukhei. It is the residency that Yuta feels the most _curious_ about, without a doubt. Sicheng's residencies were all about aesthetics and feeling, apparently, but that's all Yukhei has ever been able to remember.

There's a twinkle in Sicheng's eyes as Yuta asks him about that particular aspect, about why, exactly, no one can remember the details of what happens during his residencies. He doesn't seem too willing to say why, but what he does tell Yuta is that it keeps his cult followers coming back for more, that they leave desperate to experience once more what it is they've already forgotten. 

He has to wonder if it will impact him the same way, considering that the reactions that the other gods often have to the residencies and the miracles aren't the same as mortals. But he also doesn't necessarily want to ask. A part of him wants to experience it for himself, to see what the night will bring. 

There’s a number of them in attendance that night. Yuta finds that it's exciting - that he enjoys getting ready for the night with everyone together. Now that he and Doyoung have finally begun to move forward, he feels as though they're making progress and everyone actually is something like a family. He can't help but feel a bit guilty for the fact that it was partially due to him that things were tense in the house, before, but no one seems to mind, considering things are starting to get back on track now. 

Of course, Yuta can't deny that he's also excited for the residency due to the fact that Doyoung is actually attending. This is the first residency that they've attended together since they've been actually communicating with each other, and Yuta feels as though they're on the precipice of something. He isn't sure what, per se, but he feels like this is yet another step in the right direction for the two of them. 

Judging by the way that he keeps meeting Doyoung's eyes when he sneaks glances at him while they're pre-drinking a bit before heading out, Doyoung just might feel the same way. He doesn't want to get ahead of himself, and maybe it's the soju getting to him as they're gathered around the kitchen island, but Yuta feels his heart hoping, hoping, hoping.

Sicheng's residency is being held in a huge theatre, the stage nearly the same size as the space for the audience. Yuta feels like he has no idea what he's walking into, he has no idea what he's about to witness, but the way his heart is thrumming in excitement is telling that it's about to be something incredible.

This residency is different to the others in that there isn't a standard VIP zone, but Johnny assures him as they make their way through the crowd that no one will care who they are at this residency. It's thrilling, getting to blend into the crowd. 

Not that any of them particularly blend with their expensive wardrobes and perfectly styled hair and makeup. But Johnny is right, no one seems to spare them a second glance as they find a space big enough for all of them in the audience. 

Yuta sticks close to Doyoung's side in the crowd, settled close as the lights dim. 

The room is transformed into something of a nightclub, almost - but with Sicheng - _Dian Mu_ \- as the centerpiece. He's captivating, his body moves fluid as water onstage, and the lights invoke the image of lightning across the room. It's an experience, but honestly Yuta is more focused on Doyoung next to him than he is on anything else.

The crowd gives them the perfect space to act as if it's a night out, almost. Yuta knows that Doyoung isn't one for these sort of environments, so it has to mean something that he's sticking close to Yuta and that he seems to be enjoying himself. He can pretend, for just a moment, that they're simply two people out together, listening to music and dancing. 

Yuta isn't sure how it happens, but it feels like in one moment, the beat changes and he's moving closer to Doyoung at the same time that Doyoung's hand settles low on his back. Yuta nearly gasps at the feeling but instead he just turns his body to face Doyoung, stepping in closer. 

Admittedly, he can't even remember the last time that he'd been out at a club, the last time he'd even danced with someone. With Doyoung though, it feels natural. They fit together and move to the beat of the music, Yuta's hands curling around the back of his neck, playing with the short hair there as they dance. 

It really does feel like they're just another pair in the crowd. If anyone's watching them, Yuta can't bring himself to care. He's focused almost entirely on Doyoung, on how it feels to dance with him, on the almost shy smile he gives when Yuta looks up to meet his eyes. Anyone could be watching but Yuta knows that they aren't, that they're focused instead on their own experience in the crowd that night. 

It's as if being thrust into the limelight of the Pantheon has made the concept of being invisible something he desires. 

Yuta loses track of time as they dance, but it never progresses to more than that. He relishes in the feeling of Doyoung's hair beneath his fingertips, the way that Doyoung holds onto his hips gently, fingers digging in just slightly. They had been drinking before they left Zerzura but it's been hours since then and now he just feels drunk on this; he feels drunk on Doyoung. 

It's an overwhelming feeling, but one that Yuta welcomes with open arms. He feels like he's wanted this for so long, even when his feelings for Doyoung were simply platonic, when all he wanted was for Doyoung to give him the time of day so he could get to know him. 

Now, though, despite his insistence that they start things out on a purely platonic level, Yuta is fully aware that his own feelings have progressed beyond that. Maybe it's inevitable, due to the tie between their souls, but maybe it isn't. Maybe there are souls that are tied together in a platonic way. He likes to think that he's had some sort of free will in the way that his feelings have developed for Doyoung. 

Then again, there isn't much that feels like free will in the Pantheon, they're following the path of their destinies. 

Regardless, Yuta is completely sure now that what he feels for Doyoung has grown past simply platonic feelings. He's unsure of what Doyoung feels, simply because they haven't talked about it. Some part of him knows that Doyoung will tell him when he feels like it's the right time, when he feels ready to do so. And he doesn't necessarily want to assume, but Yuta has a pretty good idea of what Doyoung might be feeling considering he hasn't pulled away from Yuta even once that evening. 

There's a moment when Yuta curls his fingers in the dark strands of Doyoung's hair and Doyoung's gaze focuses on him. It feels as though his heart is suddenly pounding in his chest, the blood rushing in his ears. 

Yuta can't help but hold his breath as Doyoung's grip on his hips tightens just slightly. He's sure it's about to happen, that they're about to kiss - but as soon as the moment's come, it's gone when someone knocks into Yuta's side, sending him stumbling to the left, held upright only by Doyoung's grip on him.

"You good?" Doyoung asks, leaning into his ear and Yuta nods in response. dropping his hands from Doyoung's neck to place them on his shoulders, which feels a little more appropriate. A little less intimate. 

He can't help but wonder what if they hadn't been interrupted.. what might have happened. He can't help but wonder what it might have been like, what it might have felt like to kiss Doyoung. Even as they move apart, put a little bit of distance between them, Yuta can't help but _want_. He hasn't realised exactly how much he wants until that very moment. 

They spend the rest of Sicheng's residency with the other gods, who all cast them knowing looks when they approach them once again, slipping into their group easily. Yuta sticks close to Doyoung regardless, and Doyoung keeps himself angled slightly facing Yuta nearly the entire time. It's a nice feeling, it makes him feel wanted in a way that he hadn't ever really expected with Doyoung.

In a way, Yuta is glad that he dropped nearly all sense of pretenses with Doyoung when he made it clear that Doyoung had to make an effort first. It means that, now, he's able to experience things with him that are beyond his scope of expectation, and it's surprisingly a nice feeling.

When Sicheng's residency ends, the lights come up but only just barely. It's just enough to let people find their way outside, which they do as a group, stepping out into the cold air of February. As soon as they're outside, Yuta feels the memory of the residency start to grow foggy. It's an odd feeling to have the memories clear as day while they were inside but as soon as they're out, they begin to fade away. 

"You're feeling it, aren't you?" Jaehyun remarks, falling into step with Yuta where he's walking near to Doyoung. Yuta lets out a laugh, slightly rough around the edges.

"Yeah, I don't get it though." He huffs.

Jaehyun grins. "None of us really do, not even Sicheng honestly. Though if he did understand it, he might not tell us that he does. It's just one of those things - a miracle, or whatever they call them." 

Yuta's read enough about the miracles in Eir's journals and from various other Pantheon scholars online to know that it's definitely a miracle and there's no point in questioning it. That doesn't stop him from wishing that the Pantheon would have been the exception to Sicheng's apparent miracle of forgetting. He can barely remember it now, but it felt as though he and Doyoung had experienced _something_... 

"It's a really weird feeling. I think I would have liked to remember tonight." Yuta admits, sparing a glance to Doyoung, who nods along with him. A smile curls on the corner of his lips at the sight.

"We'd all like to remember them, I think. I've been to a lot of his residencies, almost all of them? It took a while to get used to it." Jaehyun shrugs and Yuta stays quiet as they walk. The journey back to Zerzura is a lot quieter than usual that night - despite the excitement and energy everyone had when they were at the residency. 

"I don't know if he's performing again before - you'll just have to ask him." Jaehyun continues, and Yuta furrows his eyebrows before he realises what exactly Jaehyun means. 

It was likely Sicheng's final residency.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was written while listening to sunrise by arty nearly the entire time, so check that song [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87JIXLastBQ)
> 
> the entire playlist is [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4AKvLZ3Fd04PON4EjyjgjP?si=TKTxet4kTGqm1XtuOSTA5g)

Yuta finds that it's hard to sleep sometimes. He's never had much of an issue sleeping before; he often goes to sleep early so he can rise early and start off his day. He's always had a good sleep routine, but as the days drag on towards the invisible red stamp on the calendar, he finds himself awake in the middle of the night more often than he'd like to admit. 

Usually, he makes tea and heads back to bed. But there are times when he runs into one of the others in the kitchen while he's making his tea and they end up chatting for a bit before he heads to bed, more at ease than he was before. Usually, it's Taeyong or Johnny who is up late in the kitchen, and it's never been Doyoung until a Friday night late in February. 

Doyoung comes into the kitchen just as Yuta is finishing up steeping his tea, looking positively sleep rumpled and exhausted. He had a residency earlier in the night, and had gone to bed nearly as soon as they arrived back to Zerzura, despite it being only about 8 pm at the time. 

"You're up late. Or maybe early, considering what time you went to bed." Yuta remarks and Doyoung startles, as if he hadn't noticed Yuta in the kitchen with him until that moment. Yuta lets out a soft laugh, turning to start another cup of tea for Doyoung.

"A little bit of both, I think. I didn't sleep very well. Kept waking up." Doyoung says, letting out a sigh and pulling the sleeves of his hoodie down over his hands as he crosses to where Yuta is standing. He leans against Yuta's side, resting his head on Yuta's shoulder as he watches the kettle start to heat again. 

Yuta smiles, just a little bit, wrapping an arm around Doyoung's side. "Hm, well the tea will help." He murmurs, resisting the urge to turn his head to place a soft kiss to the top of his hair. He knows his boundaries. "And we can go back to my room. Maybe a change in environment will help." Doyoung lets out a quiet, sleepy noise of assent. 

Yuta likes Doyoung just about any way that he is, but he thinks that maybe this sleepy quiet Doyoung is his favorite Doyoung. He reluctantly lets go of him once the kettle goes off and he moves to fill up another mug. "You can go up to my room if you want, I'll bring these." 

Doyoung nods silently, rubbing at his eyes with one of his hoodie-covered hands, before turning and heading out of the room. Yuta can't help but to watch him fondly as he goes. He's reminded of the first night they actually spent time together, when they went to the coffee shop after Doyoung's residency; how he watched Doyoung walk away from the counter and Renjun remarked that he looked like a lovesick puppy. 

Maybe he wasn't so far off. Yuta wouldn't exactly describe himself as a puppy by any means but he can nearly picture the fond expression on his own face as Doyoung leaves the room. He lets out a soft laugh at his own behavior, before finishing making their tea and picking up both of the mugs. 

When he steps into his room, he doesn't see Doyoung immediately. His face falls for a moment before he realizes that the door to his balcony is open. Yuta sets the mugs down on his desk, before grabbing a blanket off of his bed, wrapping it around his shoulders for a little extra warmth, and stepping out onto the balcony. 

Doyoung is there, leaning over the iron bars of balcony and flicking a zippo lighter on and off repeatedly. 

"So, do you smoke now?" Yuta teases, watching the way that the flame lights up Doyoung's face for a split second before the lighter closes again with a click. 

_Click._ The flame lights up Doyoung's face again. "I don't. I have some respect for my voice." He retorts, turning to look at Yuta. 

_Click._

Yuta scans his face as he looks at him. There's a certain sadness that is on Doyoung's face, it's something that Yuta feels like he can't exactly place. A part of him wants to ask him about it, but at the same time, he doesn't want to push. 

He looks down at the lighter in Doyoung's hand as Doyoung turns back to looking out over the city. Maybe the fire is soothing to him, like it is to Yuta. Maybe they’re more similar than he thought. 

"Can you see that?" Doyoung asks suddenly, and he's holding himself very carefully, almost as though there's so much tension in his body that he's afraid if he moves he'll snap. Yuta furrows his eyebrows, following his gaze out to Seoul.

It takes a moment, but he realises what exactly Doyoung is talking about after he stares carefully. On the horizon, just over Seoul, there's _something_. He isn't sure what it is. He can't make it out, it's as if he has terrible vision and is trying to make something out from a few dozen feet away without glasses.

"What is it?" Yuta asks, eyebrows furrowed as he steps closer to Doyoung. 

Doyoung exhales, all of the tension leaving his body in one go as he does. "It's the Great Darkness. It's the next cycle. Ours is coming to a close soon." 

Yuta shivers in reaction, before he squints, trying to see it again. Doyoung straightens up from where he's been leaning over the railings on the balcony, settling a hand on Yuta's back. 

"You won't be able to see it clearly. Mortals can't even see it at all." Doyoung explains, moving his hand around to the curve of Yuta's waist. "Let's go inside, it's late." 

Yuta goes willingly, happy to focus on tea and falling asleep next to Doyoung instead of the thick, inky darkness looming on the horizon. 

Since that night, the impending end of their cycle seems to weigh on Yuta more than it has before. He's always been aware of the two year expiration date, even shorter for him considering he is the final god to enter the Pantheon, but it hasn't been something he's dwelled on. He hasn't seen the point; Yuta is the type to prefer to live in the moment, to experience life as it's happening.

Now it feels like it's always on his mind. As if the Darkness has made its way from the horizon into his own brain, filling in all of the corners and seeping in through the cracks. It's a frustrating feeling, and one that he can't seem to shake.

Doyoung has noticed, and Yuta is sure that the others have as well, particularly Taeyong. Doyoung seems to keep him closer than usual, looking after him with a watchful eye. Taeyong is simply fretting, but he isn't sure if that's due to any way that Yuta's been acting in particular or just something to be expected as the days go on and the end of the cycle comes closer. 

Jeno's residency promises to be a welcome relief from the things that are weighing on his mind. He's attended Jeno's residencies a few times over the past few months, and Yuta knows that it's exactly what he needs.

Everyone else in the Pantheon seems to have the same idea as they are all in attendance that night, something of a rarity. Yuta is sure that they all want to feel good, that they all want to focus on something that isn't the end of their lives. Jeno's residency promises to deliver exactly that feeling.

Of course, all of the residencies are special, unique and wonderful. There is, however, something particularly special about Jeno's residencies. Something pure that the rest of them lack. Likely that has to do with the fact that Idunn is the goddess of youth. When Yuta thinks of Jeno's residencies, he thinks of flowers and the softest silk and kindness. 

It's exactly what he needs, exactly what all of them need. 

The venue that Jeno performs in is brighter than the rest. A theatre washed in shades of white with floral accents throughout, it's nothing like the dark and overwhelming venues in which many of the gods perform. 

The Pantheon has a box reserved, and they all fit into it, the chairs close together. Jaemin and Donghyuck are nearly vibrating off the walls as they wait for Jeno's performance to begin, but everyone else seems a bit more subdued than usual. The energy (or rather, maybe the mood) is lighter than it's been at Zerzura lately, but it's more of a sigh of relief than an excitement as the lights focus in on Jeno onstage. 

Yuta leans back in his chair, almost sagging as he begins to perform. He lets Jeno's voice and performance wash over him, barely watching but simply just _experiencing_, Doyoung's hand resting on his thigh. 

It feels like exactly what he needs. A breath of fresh air.

Johnny suggests going for a walk in the city after the residency ends, and Yuta agrees readily. He finds himself sticking near Doyoung's side as they walk down once-familiar streets, trailing close behind Taeil and Johnny as they walk. 

It feels nice to decompress, and Yuta is glad that he isn't alone.

"I lived around here," Johnny remarks as they walk, and Taeil laughs, looking up at him. "One of those penthouses, you know?"

They're currently wandering through Cheongdam when Johnny speaks up. It's an area that Yuta never really frequented, maybe once or twice with friends but it was rare. 

"You showed me once, you lived in a shoebox, and definitely not in this area." Taeil says, turning to look at Doyoung and Yuta as they walk. "Don't listen to him. He definitely didn't live in a penthouse." 

Yuta grins. "Let the man have some fun, Taeil. We would have believed him." 

"Speak for yourself," Doyoung remarks, rolling his eyes though there's a small smile on his lips. Yuta nudges him playfully. 

The couple ahead of them starts to bicker playfully, and Yuta tunes them out, shifting on his feet just a tiny bit closer to Doyoung. It's nice to feel their arms brushing as they walk, even if he's reminded of Doyoung claiming they weren't in a romance drama a few weeks before. Maybe they weren't in one, but he can't help the fluttering feeling in his stomach sometimes. 

"I actually used to live not far from here. Not in one of these buildings," Doyoung says quietly, gesturing to the buildings surrounding them as they walk. "But not very far away. I got lucky with finding a house for while I was at university." 

Yuta perks up slightly as Doyoung talks about his life before. Despite the leaps and bounds they've come in the past few weeks, one thing that Doyoung still is rather cagey about is what his life was like before his incantation. However excited he might be, Yuta has learned to let Doyoung tell him at his own pace, to not try to push him to explain how his life was before. He opens up better that way. 

"Wow, living nearly in Cheongdam, I had no idea that you were a rich big wig," Yuta teases, knocking his shoulder against Doyoung's own. He laughs in response and Yuta beams. 

Two months ago, Doyoung never would have responded to his teasing in such a way. Now, it feels natural for Yuta to tease him and for Doyoung to respond in kind. It took a while for Doyoung to warm to him, but now he seems happy to play back with Yuta.

"Why would you want to know? Do you want me to buy you something?" Doyoung asks. "I could get you something I suppose, if you earn it." 

Yuta feels suddenly emboldened due to how at ease Doyoung seems with him, and he moves closer to Doyoung, grabbing onto his hand as he peers up at him, eyes wide. "I'll earn it!" He jokes and Doyoung shoves at him playfully.

A part of Yuta expects Doyoung to pull his hand away, but he doesn't. Instead, they fall into step, walking closely together as they follow Johnny and Taeil back to Zerzura. 

The library has become something of a hideaway for Yuta. Almost a sanctuary amidst the Pantheon. It isn't that he necessarily feels as though he needs a place to get away and a place to hide, but it's just nice to have a spot where he knows he can be alone in his thoughts. Sometimes he reads more of Eir's journals, other times he skims through some of the other books that Kun has on his shelves. There are plenty of options, and Yuta finds he's never bored when he ends up locking himself away in the library for long periods of time. 

He remembers the first night that he ran into Doyoung in the library. There are a lot of almost negative memories that he associates with that night, how Doyoung's face had hardened and told him to leave. But he also remembers the name of Doyoung's favorite book, _Recitation_. A copy of it sits on one of the bookshelves, almost as if it's taunting him. A part of him wants to read it, but he isn't sure if he should. 

Every time he comes into the library, his eyes are drawn to the copy on the shelf. That night is no different, but this time, he actually pulls it off of the shelf and brings it over with him to one of the large overstuffed chairs by the window. 

Yuta pulls his legs up onto the chair, folding them under his body as he turns the book over to read the summary on the back, before opening the cover of the book. The copy that Kun has seems like it's maybe a used copy, the cover soft and worn, the pages dogeared. A passing thoughts makes Yuta wonder if Doyoung has read this copy, or if he has his own copy. Shaking the thought out of his mind, he turns to the first chapter, starting to read. 

He loses track of time as he reads. It's easy for him to see why Doyoung said that this was his favorite book, the prose is almost difficult to follow at times, with multiple stories weaved in together. It seems just the type of book that Doyoung might like, if Yuta had to guess. It's the sort of book that demands your attention and immersion into the story.

In that way, the book feels somewhat similar to how Yuta might describe Doyoung. He has demanded Yuta's attention from the very first day, forced him to pay attention to him in an attempt to learn how to read him. 

_Recitation_ is not the type of book that Yuta would generally pick up and choose to read on his own. But at the same time, Doyoung is not the sort of person that Yuta would usually choose to pursue. While Yuta has always enjoyed a challenge, in various aspects of his life not just relationships, he has never been one to bother if he has been shut down on more than one occasion. The fact that he has remained by Doyoung's side is a testament to just how different he is to Yuta. 

Yuta nearly doesn't notice the sound of the door opening, too focused on reading. He glances up when the door clicks shut to see Doyoung standing near the door. 

"I thought you went to bed," Doyoung remarks. 

Yuta turns his head to look up at the clock in the corner. It's nearly 2 in the morning. He had gone down to the library just after midnight, when most of the house was already in bed. 

A smile tugs on the corner of his lips. "I did, but I couldn't sleep." 

Doyoung simply hums, walking further into the room. Yuta turns down the corner of the page he was on, setting the book on the arm of the chair. His attention is entirely on Doyoung now, watching as he moves through the room, looking through the bookshelves. 

He has to wonder what Doyoung was planning to read before he noticed that Yuta was already in the room. He doesn't ask him though, content to just watch him. It feels a far cry from the last time they were in this room together. Yuta has grown comfortable with silence when it comes to Doyoung, happy to just be with him. 

"What are you reading?" Doyoung asks suddenly and Yuta feels his cheeks flush. He hasn't exactly been shy about his growing feelings for Doyoung, and he's sure that Doyoung has long since caught onto how Yuta feels for him. But still, for some reason, admitting that he was reading Doyoung's favorite book feels almost juvenile; as though he's trying to impress his crush. 

Yuta clears his throat, the tips of his ears turning pink. "Ah, just.." He trails off for a moment, fingers running over the cover of the book for a moment. "_Recitation._" The admission is almost quiet as he shrugs, looking down at the book sheepishly. 

Doyoung doesn't say anything, and Yuta keeps his eyes on the cover of the book, willing the heat in his cheeks to go down. There are about a thousand different thoughts running through his mind, a thousand different options of why Doyoung isn't saying anything - and they're all bad. Maybe he's finally overstepped. Maybe Doyoung thinks he's pathetic for going to find his favorite book. Maybe Doyoung has finally realized he's a try-hard. There are plenty of options and Yuta wouldn't particularly blame Doyoung for any of them.

Yuta finally drags his eyes away from the book to look up at Doyoung and he meets Doyoung's gaze almost instantly. He feels like he can't read the expression on his face, Yuta's eyebrows furrowing as he makes an attempt to do just that. 

"You're reading _Recitation_?" Doyoung asks, finally. Yuta bites down on his lip, nodding.

"Yeah, I just.. I don't know, I remember you saying you liked it and I- it was on the shelf?" Yuta answers, the tone of his voice nearly uncertain as he speaks. He feels awkward as he does, like he's just waiting for Doyoung to laugh at him or something equally as humiliating. 

Instead, he watches as Doyoung takes a few steps closer to where he's sitting. There's still an unreadable expression on his face, but through the dim, warm light of the lamp that's next to his chair, he can see Doyoung's eyes - they're nearly blown out. 

Yuta thinks, for a split second, that he looks _determined_. 

Yuta drops his hand from the cover of the book into his lap as Doyoung closes the distance between them, coming to a stop in front of the chair that Yuta is sitting in. He turns his head to look up at him, sucking in a deep breath and holding it in his lungs for a moment before he exhales.

"Doyoung," Yuta says, his voice a soft whisper. He curls his fingers in his lap for a moment. He wants, so badly, to reach out. To touch him, but he doesn't know if he's allowed to - despite how much he might try to pretend that he doesn't care any longer what Doyoung thinks of him, he desperately doesn't want to drive him away, to push too hard or too much. 

Doyoung doesn't say anything at all for a moment; instead, he stares at Yuta, eyes searching his face before he speaks, his voice lower than Yuta's ever heard it. "Tell me to stop."

Yuta shakes his head before Doyoung is reaching down to curl his fingers in Yuta's long hair, the other hand cupping Yuta's jaw, tilting his head up towards him. Doyoung leans down then, and Yuta lets his eyes fall shut moments before Doyoung kisses him. 

It takes him by surprise, despite Doyoung taking his time in the lead up. Yuta's hands stay in his lap for a moment, before he pushes himself up off of the chair, doing his best not to pull away from Doyoung. The copy of _Recitation_ falls to the ground with a soft thud as Yuta slides his hands up Doyoung's broad chest slowly, coming to rest on his shoulders. 

Doyoung drops the hand from his jaw to settle into the curve of Yuta's waist, pulling him close against his body. 

Kissing Doyoung is almost precisely like what Yuta would have expected if he had allowed himself to think about this very scenario. Doyoung is careful in his movements, collected almost. Even as Yuta clings to him, even as he pushes his tongue against Doyoung's lips, he still seems careful about every single advancement. 

Doyoung nips Yuta's bottom lip, causing him to moan softly as he does, mouth opening up easily and _god_ kissing Doyoung is his new favorite activity. 

Where Doyoung is careful with his kisses and his movements, Yuta feels as though he's the exact opposite. He feels as though he's more desperate than he's ever been when he's kissed someone - Doyoung has opened up the floodgates and now he can't stop himself. 

Thankfully, it doesn't appear that he's going to have to stop himself, that Doyoung hardly minds as he tugs on Yuta's hair with a soft moan. 

The sound emboldens Yuta, and he winds one arm around Doyoung's neck, fingertips scratching through the back of his hair mindlessly as his other hand trails back down his chest, slipping over the band of his sweatpants to squeeze at the outline of Doyoung's dick through the fabric.

Doyoung lets out a moan into Yuta's mouth, before he pulls away, dropping to mouth at Yuta's neck. Yuta immediately moves his head back, grip tightening in Doyoung's hair. 

"Doyoung," he lets out, and Yuta can hear the whine in his own voice, the desperation but he doesn't care; he's so past caring.

Doyoung simply hums against his skin, the hand that was in Yuta's hair dropping to the other side of his waist. Yuta can't help but notice that Doyoung's hands always seem to gravitate towards the curve of his waist - he files the thought away for later. 

As soon as his hand settles there, Doyoung is pushing him backwards using the grip he has on him, lips trailing low onto the base of his neck. Yuta feels his back hit one of the bookshelves and he lets out a soft sound of surprise, which causes Doyoung to pull back. 

"You alright?" He asks, one hand coming to brush some of Yuta's hair back behind his ear. Yuta lets out a loud laugh, his head falling back for a moment as he does.

"More than alright, just come back here," he requests with a pout and Doyoung acquiesces with a laugh, leaning back in for a slow kiss. Yuta feels a little less desperate now; it's as if he knows that Doyoung wants this too, that he isn't going anywhere. 

It isn't long before Doyoung is pulling back again and Yuta lets out another whine, about to reach out for him to pull him back in because he wasn't done kissing him yet. Doyoung places a kiss on the juncture of where his neck meets his shoulder, pushing aside the strap of the tanktop he's wearing, before he drops to his knees in front of him. 

Yuta blinks at the image, almost can't believe his eyes. Despite this, he pouts, nudging Doyoung's knee with his foot. "I wanted to keep kissing you." He whines, just to see the smile on Doyoung's face. 

"You can kiss me later," Doyoung tells him and Yuta nods, sucking in a deep breath as Doyoung pushes his shirt up his chest with one hand, placing kisses low on his stomach. Yuta can feel his skin jumping underneath Doyoung's light touches. 

Doyoung doesn't waste time, doesn't tease him before he pulls down the joggers he had been wearing, along with his black briefs. They pool around his ankles and Doyoung lets out a soft sound, one Yuta can't quite make out, before he leans in to pepper kisses against his thighs.

Yuta can't help the way that his hips jerk forward at the feeling; he's gotten hard embarrassingly fast just from kissing Doyoung. Doyoung lets out a soft laugh, before he moves one hand to grip Yuta's cock, stroking him slowly, using his thumb to smear the precome that's gathered at the tip. Yuta can’t help but to whine, one hand going up to his mouth as he bites on his knuckles to try to mute some of the noise. 

"Why are you doing that?" Doyoung asks, still stroking him. "I want to hear you - what do you want, Yuta?" Yuta whimpers, dropping his hand and Doyoung's free hand moves to grasp it, to lace their fingers together and to press soft kisses against his knuckles. "Tell me what you want."

Yuta doesn't know how he's supposed to be able to get the words out with Doyoung's hand on his cock, which is proving to be a paramount sort of distraction. Their eyes meet, and Yuta bites down on his lip when Doyoung gives him an expectant look. 

"I want-" Yuta cuts himself off, because he doesn't really know what he wants. "You, just, please, Doyoung." He's aware that he's nearly begging, but he can't help himself. Doyoung is an expert at making him feel desperate. 

Thankfully, Doyoung doesn't push him to say more, letting out a soft laugh before he presses a kiss against Yuta's hip. 

"Okay, okay." He murmurs, lips still pressed against his skin, before he settles on his haunches, giving Yuta's hand a squeeze.

Doyoung guides Yuta's cock to his lips, licking over the tip almost experimentally before he closes his mouth over the head. It's a feat of pure determination that Yuta doesn't immediately push his hips forward into Doyoung's mouth. His head falls back, leaning against the books behind him as Doyoung sinks down further. 

His mouth is hot and wet and Yuta feels like he's going to fall apart quicker than he wants to. He whines as Doyoung moves his mouth down his cock, taking him in further, his free hand moving to grip the hair at the back of Doyoung's head, his other hand holding onto Doyoung's hand like a lifeline. 

Yuta can hear the blood rushing in his ears and he doesn't dare glance down to see what Doyoung looks like with his lips around his cock because he knows if he does, he'll come even faster than he knows he's about to. Doyoung swallows around him, his free hand trailing between Yuta's legs, his thumb pressing over his entrance for just a moment and Yuta's hand tightens in his hair.

"Doyoung, Doyoung, I'm going- I- Doyoung," He stammers out, nearly panting and tugging on his hair as a warning. It doesn't deter Doyoung, however, who presses against him harder, humming around his dick and Yuta is coming, flames behind his eyes and slumping against the bookshelf. 

Yuta opens his eyes just in time to see Doyoung sitting back, wiping at his mouth with the back of his free hand. His other hand is still holding onto Yuta's, though Yuta has loosened his grip. He tightens it again, before tugging to get Doyoung to stand, which he does. 

He doesn't waste time, letting go of Doyoung's hand once he stands and reaching to pull Doyoung's cock out of his pants. Yuta leans in to kiss him again, tasting himself on Doyoung's tongue as he jerks him off. It's slick, Doyoung's cock hard in his hand as he twists his hand. Doyoung moans into his mouth, hips rocking into his hand. It doesn't take long. 

Doyoung comes into Yuta's hand with Yuta's tongue in his mouth, holding onto Yuta's waist as he moans. Yuta strokes him through it, kisses becoming lighter, almost soothing him as Doyoung's cock twitches in his hand. 

Yuta pulls back, letting go of Doyoung's cock and looking down at his hand. With a smirk, he brings his hand up to his lips, sucking the come off of his fingers just to tease Doyoung. It seems to have the desired effect as Doyoung groans, reaching to shove at Yuta playfully. 

"Don't do that, I can't come again that quickly." He pouts and Yuta laughs, dropping his hand once it's relatively clean. 

"Sorry," He remarks, leaning down to pull his clothes back on and watching as Doyoung tucks his cock back into his pants. 

"You aren't." Doyoung remarks and Yuta grins, drawing him in for a quick kiss. 

Yuta pulls back, resting his forehead against Doyoung's. "No. I'm not."


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yuta's solo scene at the end of this chapter was written while listening to [icarus by bastille](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FehA9OwZflw) if you want to take a listen

In the days that follow, Yuta does his best not to think about the fact that there's a good chance that everyone else in the house heard them in the library. He doesn't know how soundproof it is, but then again, he has a feeling that Donghyuck would have absolutely mentioned something if he heard them, so hopefully they're in the clear. 

Despite this, he knows the others can tell that he and Doyoung have finally made progress in their relationship. There's, of course, the knowing looks from Taeil and Kun, the ribbing from Ten, the soft smiles from Taeyong and Jeno. He's glad that the others seem to be as happy as he feels. Though Yuta knows that it's likely due to the fact that he and Doyoung have, for the most part, just made the house extremely awkward for the past few months. 

He can't help but feel a little embarrassed at how long it took them to get their act together, but maybe Doyoung needed that long to get comfortable enough with him to be able to actually have a conversation. Then again, it isn't as though they've actually had a conversation even now, after that night in the library. 

It feels odd to him, considering he's the type of person who likes to know exactly what he's getting himself into. Yuta likes to have things laid out and discussed before he dives headfirst into anything. But when it comes to Doyoung, a part of him doesn't seem to mind that they haven't actually talked about what happened between them that night, and what it might mean. 

They haven't been ignoring it, either, which is more than Yuta would have expected from Doyoung a few months ago. In a way, it feels as though they don't have to talk about it, like they're both on the same page. 

Besides, Yuta has to think that maybe there's not _time_ to talk about it when they don't have much longer left together. 

It doesn't bother him, because things have clearly changed between him and Doyoung; in a good way at that. Doyoung's passing touches to his waist as he moves past him in the kitchen linger a bit longer, Yuta fits into his side while they're watching movies more often, Doyoung reaches for his hand when they go to pick up food for everyone for dinner. 

Yuta wouldn't change any of it for the world. 

Even if they haven't talked about it, the fact that things have changed is enough for him. It's an odd feeling to think that way, though, because Yuta has always been so used to wanting to talk things through. Doyoung isn't that sort of person, though, despite how much he has opened up to Yuta in the past few weeks. He's learning to compromise on that front, he supposes. 

They both are, really. Yuta is learning to not overanalyze everything when it comes to Doyoung and Doyoung is learning to live more in the moment than worrying and fretting about the future, about what is going to happen when their cycle ends. It's something of a give and take. 

Yuta doesn't know what's going to happen when their cycle ends, but he's very pointedly not thinking about it, choosing instead to focus on Doyoung and on spending time with him. It's the best that he can do to cope with it, he supposes.

Despite the date for the end of the cycle moving closer and closer as the days go by, business in Zerzura continues as usual. Residencies come and go, and Yuta finally gets the chance to experience one of Donghyuck's residencies. 

Slightly similar to Johnny's residencies in that they are nearly spur of the moment, Donghyuck doesn't announce his residencies at all. They begin with rumors of where his location will be, and end with him perhaps not even performing at that location, but another one entirely. For Seokga the trickster god, it seems as though nothing brings Donghyuck as much joy as seeing people not able to pinpoint where exactly he is going to be, leaving it all up to a guessing game. 

He hadn't even told the Pantheon where they would be, but Taeil had figured it out and they had attended. 

Knowing that Donghyuck's residency is one of the final ones of the cycle doesn't seem to inhibit any part of the performance at all, or the audiences reaction to him onstage. The crowd is emotional, but Mark informs him that they always are when they watch Donghyuck, their excitement that comes along with actually locating his performance melts into extreme emotion at watching him perform. 

It's an incredible performance, and Yuta can't help but get lost in the feeling that the residency conjures up within him, allowing the rest of his thoughts to fade away. 

More often than not, Yuta finds himself awake until late hours of the night with Doyoung. Lately, instead of meeting in the kitchen (or other various rooms throughout Zerzura), they often find themselves awake together before heading to one of their rooms for bed. It's a nice change of pace, and Yuta relishes in Doyoung's company. 

There's no one else he finds that he would want to spend that sort of time with, and he's glad that Doyoung seems to feel the same way.

That night, Yuta has brewed them their usual tea, bringing the two mugs into the living room where Doyoung is waiting for him. The copy of _Recitation_ that Yuta has been reading is laying on the coffee table in front of him. Doyoung is scrolling through his phone when he approaches.

Yuta sets the two mugs down on coasters, pressing a kiss to the side of Doyoung's temple before he moves to the other side of the coffee table and settles down onto the couch next to him. He immediately pulls his legs up onto the couch with him as he settles into Doyoung's side. Doyoung is so _warm_, almost like a space heater, and Yuta seems to be always seeking out his warmth lately. 

"I made some for Jeno too. He was still awake." Yuta tells him, leaning forward to pick up his mug, holding it between two hands and inhaling the warm steam. It feels soothing. 

Doyoung hums, slipping an arm around Yuta's shoulders and Yuta goes further against his side easily, turning to press his cold nose against Doyoung's neck. It causes a startled sound to escape him but Doyoung doesn't push him away. Yuta grins, turning back to take another drink from his mug. 

"I think everyone is having trouble sleeping lately." Doyoung remarks, dragging his arm down from Yuta's shoulder to settle around his waist. Yuta smiles at the feeling, warm and familiar to him now.

Yuta sits up just slightly, enough to grab the book from the coffee table before he leans back again. "I've noticed that too." 

They fall into a comfortable silence. The silence that passes between them is something that took awhile for him to get used to as they grew closer. Yuta isn't one who feels as though he needs to fill silences constantly, but when it comes to Doyoung, the silence always felt like a failure. Now, though, he realises that Doyoung uses the silence when he's comfortable with someone. Yuta has observed him talking a lot, filling the silence when there are others not in the Pantheon around him, during interviews particularly. But when he's in a situation that he feels comfortable in, Doyoung tends to let himself be quiet. 

Yuta likes that about him; then again, he likes so many things about Doyoung.

He finds himself drawn into his book easily, leaning up against Doyoung's body as he does. He isn't entirely sure what Doyoung is doing, reading something on his phone, but he makes for an excellent body pillow so Yuta isn't going to ask. 

The feeling of Doyoung's thumb rubbing small circles into his waist brings him out of his thoughts and Yuta glances up to see him watching him with a fond smile. 

"Stop it," Yuta says with a laugh, looking back down to the page he was on, but he suddenly can't remember where he left off.

Doyoung shakes his head. "No," he tells him, the smile still on his lips. "Do you like this book?" He taps the page that Yuta is on, and Yuta folds down the corner of the page, before closing it and leaving it in his lap.

"Yeah, it's really good so far." Yuta says. "I feel like I can't always figure out what she's trying to say if I'm not entirely focusing on it, and you aren't exactly good for me being able to focus on it." Yuta teases, a fake-accusatory tone to his voice. Doyoung presses his hand against his chest as if he's been wounded. 

"Me? Never. I've never done anything such as distract you." Yuta rolls his eyes as Doyoung speaks, shaking his head. Doyoung is an excellent distractor, and both of them know that. 

Yuta simply hums, looking down at the cover of the book before he leans forward, placing it on the coffee table again. He can feel Doyoung watching him, and he leans back into his arms. Doyoung starts the movement of his thumb against his waist again.

"Did you read this copy?" He asks, turning his head at a somewhat uncomfortable angle to be able to look up at Doyoung while he speaks. 

Doyoung shakes his head. "No, I have my own up in my room." 

Yuta hesitates before speaking again. For as far as they have come with their communication and Doyoung opening up to him, there's still a fear in the back of his mind that he'll say the wrong thing and suddenly Doyoung will shut down on him. Yuta has more faith in Doyoung than to think he would actually do that, but that small irrational fear is still there, picking at the back of his mind whenever he thinks he wants to bring something up with him. 

He decides to just go for it, he knows that Doyoung won't shut him down too aggressively in any case. He might change the subject, but Yuta knows Doyoung better than to believe he'd entirely shut down on him, now. 

"So what was it that you were reading so often in the library, then?" He asks, very pointedly not looking up at Doyoung to see his reaction. Surprisingly, Doyoung doesn't even tense next to him. He simply lets out a sigh and Yuta stays still, waiting to see what his answer is going to be.

"I was reading lots of things." Doyoung says, a cryptic tone to his voice and Yuta finally pushes himself up from where he's been leaning heavily against Doyoung's side. Doyoung keeps his arm around his waist as Yuta turns slightly, one leg tucked under his body as he faces him. 

"What does that even mean?" Yuta tilts his head, hoping that Doyoung is actually going to tell him instead of remaining as cryptic as possible; they've moved past that particular behavior, so he hopes that Doyoung isn't going to revert to it now. 

Doyoung lets out a small laugh and Yuta sucks his bottom lip between his teeth, chewing on it while he waits to see what Doyoung is going to say. "It means that there are hundreds of books in there and I've read a lot of them. At least parts of them. But I don't think that's what you're actually asking me, is it?" It's less of a question, more of a statement, and the squeeze that he gives Yuta's waist tells him that Doyoung knows exactly what he meant when he asked. "Use your words, Yuta."

Yuta laughs, thinking about how he's always encouraged Doyoung to actually use _his_ words with him, instead of being vague or beating around the bush.

"You want me to ask you directly, is that it?" Yuta remarks and Doyoung nods, smiling. "Fine, fine. I guess I deserve that." Doyoung nods again, simply waiting. "What were you reading _about_? It always seemed like you were, I don't know, researching something with your little leather notebook." 

Doyoung hums, before moving his arm away from Yuta, who whines at the loss of Doyoung's body heat. Doyoung laughs. "Just hold on a minute, you big baby." He tells Yuta, pushing himself up off of the couch and heading out of the room, to the stairs. Yuta watches as he heads up them and debates wrapping himself in a blanket because he feels suddenly cold without Doyoung, but he knows it'll be a point of teasing when Doyoung comes back so he stubbornly does not. 

It takes just a moment but Doyoung returns soon, settling back next to Yuta and pulling him back in against his side. Yuta goes happily, finding his spot curled up under Doyoung's arm. 

He's brought his notebook with him and when Yuta notices, he holds his breath for a moment. "When we met at the party, I wanted to try to stop you from becoming a god." Doyoung starts, his voice soft.

Yuta knows this part of the story. He knows how Doyoung tried to lead Kun to other people in an attempt to put him off of finding Yuta. It worked, for a while, considering Yuta was the last god to be found. 

"While I was doing what I could to distract Kun, I was also in the library day in and day out, trying to see if there was a way to stop someone from becoming a god. Or to try to see if there was a way to take godhood away from someone." 

Yuta blinks up at him. "Like the Prometheus Gambit?" Doyoung shakes his head.

"No, I knew that was a legend. Also, I wasn't about to try to kill you, that wouldn't exactly save you, would it?" There's a wry smile on his lips as he speaks. Yuta nods before Doyoung continues. "I was reading old journals from past cycles, and reading literature from other Pantheon scholars, but there didn't seem to be much information." 

Yuta has to wonder if he read Eir's journals, if maybe that was how he found out about how souls were tied together. 

"I found something, finally, in the journals of Magec from the cycle in the 1700s. It took a long time for me to be able to decipher what the journal even said." Yuta sucks in a breath, holding it. He has no idea what Doyoung is going to say next. 

Doyoung opens his notebook, flipping a few pages in. Yuta drops his eyes to the page, reading over the words. It seems nonsensical to him, none of it makes any sense. "I don't get what any of this means."

"Magec didn't want to be part of the Pantheon. She didn't want anything to do with it, but then again, neither did Venus of the same cycle. They were under the impression that only one could relinquish their godhood each cycle." Doyoung explains. "Her journals don't mention Kun at all, so I'm not sure where he was when they were doing all of this. Surely he would have warned her against it."

Yuta thinks back to his conversations with Kun, thinks about how he's been guiding the gods since the beginning of the recurrences. Of course, it must have been more difficult before modern technology.

"Magec and Venus came to an agreement, that one of them would renounce godhood, and the other would bear the weight of her godhood." Yuta can't even imagine - the weight of his _own_ godhood feels too heavy at times. "I don't know exactly what the ritual consisted of - Magec didn't write it in her journals. But it didn't work the way they thought. Venus nearly died in the process as she tried to take on Magec's godhood, but Magec wasn't completely free of it, and it actually.." Doyoung trails off for a moment. Yuta moves his hand to where Doyoung's is resting at his waist, tangling their fingers together and holding on. 

"It brought the Great Darkness on faster. The cycle ended before the two years." Doyoung is clinging to his hand tightly as he finishes speaking and Yuta lets out a breath that he hadn't realised he was holding. "When I started reading her journals, I thought it would be an option. I wanted to- I was willing to take on your godhood if it meant that you wouldn't go through this." 

Yuta's eyebrows furrow and he turns entirely to face Doyoung, dropping his hand and instead reaching to cup his face, turning it towards him. "Doyoung." 

His voice is quiet as he speaks and Doyoung brings his eyes up to meet Yuta's gaze. Yuta can't tell what he's seeing in Doyoung's eyes; it feels like pain, like regret. Disappointment in himself.

"Doyoung," Yuta starts again. "I don't want you to try to save me. I don't want you to sacrifice yourself for me." 

Doyoung smiles, a little sad around the edges. "I won't. Kun found out what I'd been reading and.. I'm not sure I've ever seen him that angry. He thought I was foolish. But I know he'd do the same for Ten." 

"This is something we're both a part of together. No matter what happens, no matter what the Great Darkness means, what it brings. It's us together." Yuta tells him, reaching to close Doyoung's notebook. He takes it out of his hands, placing it on the table next to the copy of _Recitation_. "My soul knows you. My soul is tied to yours, no matter what happens." 

It feels cheesy to say out loud, but it's their reality. Doyoung's smile loses the sad edge, just a bit and Yuta cups his face in his hands again, painting his own smile onto his face in an attempt to lighten the mood. "I know you told me once that this isn't a romance drama, but if it _was_ a romance drama, you would kiss me right about now." 

Doyoung laughs, and does as he's told. 

It's nearly four in the morning when Yuta wakes up in Doyoung's bed gasping for air. Every breath he takes it feels like tar is settling into his lungs, like there's absolutely nothing he can do to actually take in a deep breath. 

Doyoung is sleeping next to him, and Yuta doesn't want to disturb him. He hasn’t been sleeping well lately, and Yuta wants him to be well rested. He pushes himself out of the bed, nearly stumbling to the door to Doyoung's balcony. He throws it open, stepping outside and pulling it closed behind him.

The air isn't any better outside. 

Yuta's fingers curl around the railing of Doyoung's balcony, eyes squeezed tightly shut as he tries to even out his breathing. The air is thick with something that he can't explain, and as he opens up his eyes, the darkness he'd seen weeks ago with Doyoung is closer than ever.

It's nearly covering Seoul, close enough that it feels like he could reach out and touch it. 

The Great Darkness is nearly here. The end of their cycle approaches.

Of course, Yuta has known this for weeks. Maybe even for months. He's known that the end of April marks the end of their cycle, as it was April when Taeyong was found by Kun and received his incantation. 

However, the end of their cycle is something that Yuta has rigidly spent time ignoring, pushing it out of his mind when it threatened to seem in at the edges. He's always preferred to focus more on the moment than on the future, than one what might happen or what might not happen. 

Yuta can't ignore it any longer, not when he woke up choking on the Darkness itself. 

Yuta's own mortality has never been something that he's dwelled on. From the moment that he received his incantation from Kun, from the moment that he entered the Pantheon, he's never considered that just because he is a deity does not mean he is immortal. 

His fingers loosen around the bars of the balcony, stretching out to rid himself of the tension that he'd caused from how tightly he had gripped the bars when he first stumbled out onto the balcony. His breathing is still shallow and it feels as though he has to gasp to be able to get air into his lungs. It's just so _thick_, as if it's heavy, weighed down. 

Yuta wonders if this is what it will feel like at the end. 

His eyes fall shut again, before he opens them slowly, blinking in an attempt to focus on the darkness covering the city. Like before, it still feels nearly impossible to make out anything other than a nondescript blanket of pitch black clouds hanging low over Seoul. He thought it might have been easier to see the closer the clouds got to Zerzura, but that doesn't seem to be the case. 

He feels resigned to this, suddenly. Resigned to the fate of the gods. 

Yuta raises one of his hands, looking at his own fingers before he clenches his fingers into a fist. When he opens it, moments later, there's a small flame in the center of his palm. 

_Kagutsuchi._ He is the kami of fire.

Yuta holds his palm up slightly so it's directly in his line of sight as he stares out at the city and the Darkness once more. The flames are obscuring his view, but even so, it is still there. 

The Darkness remains despite the miracles of the gods.

He closes his hand around the flame, putting it out instantly. There isn't anything he can do to stop the Great Darkness. After thousands of recurrences, if someone in the past hasn't been able to stop it, he won't be able to now. There's no way. 

Maybe it's less of a resignation and more of simply an acceptance of his fate. 

Yuta hears stirring in the room behind him and turns just in time to see Doyoung, hoodie pulled over his head, eyebrows furrowed. He opens the door to the balcony. "Come back to bed." Doyoung requests, voice soft and scratchy from sleep. 

Yuta goes easily, closing the door to the Darkness behind him as he does.


	11. Chapter 11

Yuta has never been one to dwell on the mortality that comes hand in hand with being a deity. However, he finds that now that he's witnessed the Great Darkness so closely that night on Doyoung's balcony, he can't seem to stop thinking about it. Yuta doesn't want to dwell too much on the end, he would much rather focus on the present; on the time that he has with Doyoung and the others in the Pantheon. He can't seem to help himself though, thoughts spiralling when he least expects it. He's never exactly experienced existential dread before, but now that he is, Yuta understands why he never really let himself dwell on it before. 

It isn't the sort of person that he is, not at all, but maybe being a god has changed that for him. Maybe he's got more of a case of existential angst than he did before. 

It's clear to him that Doyoung has noticed that something is up, in any case. He watches Yuta carefully in the days that follow, even more than he usually does. He stays closer than usual, as if he's afraid Yuta might break at any moment. A part of Yuta thinks it's ridiculous, thinks that he's got it all under control. Another part of him is thankful for Doyoung, glad that he's staying close Doyoung has proved himself to be an irreplaceable comfort to him. 

Yuta wears his heart on his sleeve, but it isn't as though he relies on many people at all for his emotional labor. He doesn't like to be a burden. But despite all of the tension they had for months after Yuta arrived at Zerzura, Doyoung has made it clear to him that he doesn't see Yuta as a burden even in the slightest. He's happy to take care of Yuta and his sometimes too-strong (at least, in Yuta's opinion) emotions. Yuta wouldn't trade him for the world, couldn't even imagine doing so.

He just wishes that they had more time. It wasn't something that he ever spent much time dwelling on before, but now it seems like it's all he thinks about. He wishes that they had more time to be together, more time to have a semblance of a normal relationship. He knows there's really no option for them to have anything even close to _normal_ now, and that he needs to just be happy for what he has with Doyoung now. 

And he is happy. Yuta truly is happy with what he has with Doyoung; it isn't that he's discontent. He just wants more, wishes they could have more. He's beginning to understand where Doyoung was coming from for so many months before, because he feels many of those same feelings now. 

However, Yuta knows there's nothing he can do. They're resigned to this fate. While it never felt like a resignation to him before, now that the date is approaching quicker than ever, now that he has to take into consideration more than just himself, he can't help but feel somewhat bleak.

It's frustrating; Yuta hasn't ever been the sort of person who can stand feeling helpless, like there's nothing he can do to change his own situation. But now he's locked into this fate and there really is no room for changing any part of it. 

He doesn't feel as though there's anyone he can talk to about it, either, considering they're all in the same boat. It isn't just him that's dealing with their fate, it's all twelve of them. Bringing it up wouldn't do anything. Talking it through wouldn't help, so he has just swallowed the bitter feeling and puts on a brave face. 

Doyoung tells him that Jaehyun's residency is coming up, and Yuta can't help but look forward to it. He'd been to one of Jaehyun's performances before, and the way that it had made him feel was something that he felt as though he needed more than ever. 

Jaehyun's residencies, unlike some of the others such as Ten or Sicheng's, don't make you forget the outside world. Instead, they make you think about it, but only the good things, only the things that you _want_ to think about. His residencies are comforting and warm, almost like stepping into a comfortable embrace. 

As had been the case with most of the residencies in the past few weeks, the entire Pantheon attends Jaehyun's residency together. Yuta can't deny that he’s something of a bundle of nerves on the way to the residency, taking place in a large theatre. It isn't that he’s nervous for Jaehyun's residency, but it was more that he has just been a bundle of nerves in general lately; desperately in need of unwinding. 

It isn't like him. Yuta isn't the type to be nervous about things, he doesn't let his thoughts get the best of him, usually. But now it feels as though he’s wound so tight that he might snap at nearly any moment. 

And he had. Yuta isn't exactly proud to admit that he had snapped at some of the others in the Pantheon over the past few days, the exhaustion and the nerves wearing thin, causing him to react to small grievances in ways that he wouldn't normally. Of course, he always apologized, tried to make it up to those in the line of fire but he couldn't help but overthink even _that_, couldn't help but be aware that they were probably thinking about how much he'd changed in the past few days. 

As it was, Jaehyun's residency and the chance to focus on some of the good things in his life is a welcome relief.

Yuta settles into the VIP section with Doyoung at one side, Mark and Donghyuck on the other. There's a peaceful buzz happening throughout the room, not quite the magnetic energy of Ten or Sicheng's residencies, but it's clear that everyone is looking forward to seeing Jaehyun perform. 

As soon as he begins, Yuta finds himself leaning heavily into Doyoung's side, eyes slipping shut. Jaehyun's smooth baritone is bringing his mind to focus on Doyoung, on what it felt to kiss him for the first time, on how it feels to fall asleep next to him. His thoughts also go to Mark, to Jaemin, to Ten and Taeyong. To all of the people that he's come to meet and come to know in the past few months - the Pantheon. His family. 

Everything feels almost hazy as his thoughts begin to wander. It always feels this way when he attends Jaehyun's residencies. His head goes a bit fuzzy and he has nothing but good feelings, good thoughts going through his mind. Usually, however, he's focused on both the feeling that his thoughts give him and Jaehyun's performance. That night, he can't seem to focus on Jaehyun at all, his mind distracted with Doyoung's body heat where he leans against him. 

Before he knows it, his mind and thoughts escape him entirely and he falls asleep.

"-have to wake him up, you know."

"I'm aware." Yuta feels Doyoung shift slightly under his weight and he whines, turning his head into his shoulder. "See! You woke him up already." 

"Well, we need to get going, the venue is nearly cleared out!" Yuta blinks his eyes open at the sound of Sicheng's voice, reaching up to rub at his eyes with the back of his hand before he pushes himself up off of Doyoung. "Finally. God, I've never heard of someone falling asleep during a residency. I'm going home." Sicheng remarks, rolling his eyes before he turns and heads to the door where Taeyong and Jeno are waiting. 

Yuta hadn't meant to fall asleep, and it isn't that Jaehyun's residency was boring because it wasn't, not even a bit. He's attended Jaehyun's performances in the past and they simply just set him at ease, so much so that he couldn't help but doze off this time around, apparently. 

He makes a mental note to apologize to Jaehyun later, but the nap was actually more needed than he's willing to admit. He hasn't exactly been sleeping well, almost afraid of waking up to find himself choking on the Great Darkness again. 

Yuta stretches his arms up over his head, yawning before he turns to look at Doyoung, who is watching him with a fond expression. "What?"

Doyoung shakes his head, reaching to comb his fingers through Yuta's messy hair. Yuta yawns, reaching to cover his mouth before he looks around. Sicheng was right, nearly everyone was out of the building, it looks like it's just the cleaning crew.

"Oh." Yuta says, blinking owlishly at them for a moment before he turns back to Doyoung. "I guess we should probably go?" He remarks sheepishly, ducking his head and Doyoung lets out a laugh. 

"We should. I think the others were going to get hotpot.." He trails off, and Yuta notes that he doesn't seem as though he's all that interested in hotpot, or maybe he's not that interested in going with the others. 

Yuta can relate, he feels selfish with Doyoung in the little amount of time they have left. 

Yuta hums softly, standing and shrugging on his coat over his shoulders. "What about just walking back? We have some food at home we could make together." He suggests, reaching his hand out. Doyoung takes it before he stands. 

"That sounds perfect." 

Jaehyun's venue isn't actually very far from Zerzura, and the weather has finally begun to even out a bit with the onset of spring. It's pleasant enough with a bit of chill still lingering as they begin the walk, and Yuta is thankful for the feeling of Doyoung's warm hand in his as they make their way down the streets of Seoul. 

Holding Doyoung's hand is such a small, tiny gesture, but from the very first time it happened, he knew it was one of his favorite things. There's something perfect about the way that his fingers fit between his own. 

They're mostly quiet as they walk, just enjoying each other's company. At least, until Doyoung stops, looking down a street opposite them. There's a small boutique store, as well as a coffee shop and bake shop. The street is narrow with balconies from the apartments above the shops extending into it, obstructing the view. Yuta comes to a stop as Doyoung does, casting him a curious look. 

It seems as though Doyoung knows this place, as though he knows this street. Yuta's about to ask him what's on his mind when he speaks up for himself. 

"I received my incantation just over there." Doyoung says and Yuta feels himself freeze. Doyoung has never spoken about his incantation, has never spoken to him about when Kun found him. It's been something that has been somewhat shrouded in mystery as far as Yuta is concerned. He thought that he might never hear what happened, and it was something that he had accepted. 

Yuta stays quiet, knowing that it's best to let Doyoung find his way himself when he chooses to open up to him this way. 

"It's weird, I haven't walked back home this way, apparently." Doyoung lets out a little bit of a laugh and Yuta squeezes his hand, looking down the street for himself. 

"Were you at the bakery? Getting more sweets, I'm sure." He teases, poking his elbow into Doyoung's rib and he lets out a soft noise, reaching to poke at Yuta's stomach in retaliation. Yuta squirms away from his touch, never once letting go of his hand.

Doyoung smiles then, a little nostalgic but he doesn't seem _sad_ like Yuta has come to expect when he talks about these sort of things. "I was actually at the coffee shop. I'd just finished studying for an exam." 

Yuta thinks back to what he knows about Doyoung at university. He was a business student, and that's the extent that Yuta knows of his time in university. He can imagine that he was a good student, though; at the very least he's sure that he was studious. 

"End of the year exams, you know? I feel like all I did was study, barely saw the outside world." Yuta lets out a soft laugh as Doyoung speaks, giving his hand another squeeze.

"I would have dragged you out. Fresh air is good for you, you know?" Doyoung rolls his eyes fondly at him, and Yuta can't help but smile. He doesn't want things to be so heavy all the time, he wants Doyoung to feel like they can talk and have it not be something that feels as though it's something that needs to weigh on them. 

"I'm sure you would have. But I didn’t have someone like you there, so I left at closing instead and met Kun as I was walking out. I don't know how he found me, I don't really understand how he finds anyone." Doyoung says, looking down the street again before he turns his gaze on Yuta. Yuta meets his eyes immediately, turning slightly to reach for Doyoung's other hand.

"I guess I didn't realise how much my life was going to change, not right away." He shrugs and Yuta lets out a soft hum in response. 

He understands that feeling well - he felt the same way when Kun first found him. It was new, exciting. He was suddenly transformed from a boring university student to a god, with fiery red hair and an entirely new wardrobe as well as a cult of devoted followers. It was a situation that he absolutely did not understand the gravity of.

And now, he does, they both do.

"Some things are for the better though, don't you think?" Yuta begins, not sure if this is necessarily a direction that will work out, but he feels like he wants to try. "Despite everything else, we found each other." 

Yuta sucks in a breath as Doyoung looks at him, the expression on his face softer than Yuta has seen it.

"I know that when Kun told me about the way that our souls are tied together, that he really just talked about it in terms of Savitr and Kagutsuchi, but.. I don't like to think it's just that part of us, Doyoung. We're more than just gods." Yuta chooses his words carefully, the undercurrent of pushing too hard, of saying something that Doyoung might not like still pricking at the back of his mind.

Doyoung looks like he's considering it, and he drops one of Yuta's hands, reaching to cup his face in his hand, gently. Yuta turns his head into Doyoung's hand, his palm warm against his cheek. 

"I'd like to think that we'd find each other no matter what." 

It's midday after one of Ten's residencies when Yuta comes wandering down from Doyoung's room. He feels exhausted from the night before, his lack of sleep once again attempting to get the better of him. 

He makes coffee quickly in the kitchen before wandering out to the back patio. It's finally nearly warm enough to actually enjoy being outside, not that it particularly stopped Yuta before but he would much rather be outdoors when it's warm than when he feels like he's going to freeze to death. 

Taeyong is sitting at one of the tables on the patio, doodling in a notebook while he listens to something in his headphones. He doesn't notice Yuta at first, but when he does, Yuta is met with a huge, brilliant smile. Taeyong really never ceases to bring a smile to Yuta's own lips just from being himself.

"Good morning," Yuta says, a bit of a wry smile on his lips as he pulls out the chair next to Taeyong, who laughs happily in response. He plucks out his earbuds, placing them on his notebook and pushing it aside as he turns to Yuta. He's always the type to give someone his full attention when he's talking with them. 

"It's nearly afternoon!" Taeyong points out and Yuta scowls slightly, bringing his coffee up to his lips.

Yuta takes a long drink from his mug before placing it back down on the table. "I know, I know. Ten's residency took it out of me last night, apparently." Taeyong hums in response. 

"Yes, and you haven't been sleeping well anyway, right?" Taeyong asks and Yuta nearly chokes on his coffee. He didn't realize he looked that sleep deprived. Taeyong snorts softly, shaking his head at Yuta's reaction. "Doyoung mentioned it to me, he said that you're up a lot in the night, or pretending to be sleeping." Yuta grimaces slightly at the idea that he's been caught, that Doyoung knows that he isn't sleeping well.

He'd thought that Doyoung was a heavy enough sleeper that he wouldn't notice. He's the opposite; Yuta needs a very particular sleeping environment and he also wakes easily. 

"He isn't wrong, I guess." Yuta says with a shrug.

There's a small voice in the back of his mind that wants him to dwell on Doyoung talking to Taeyong about him. He pushes the thought aside.

"You should try some lavender! I have some, you could put it under your pillow, it does help. At the very least, try it for Doyoung? He seemed worried this morning." Yuta gives him a small smile, not wanting to tell him that the things that are weighing on his mind probably can't be pushed away with lavender oil. 

Instead, he simply nods. "Sure, I wouldn't mind trying it." Taeyong grins, before he gathers up his things, holding his notebook to his chest. 

"Perfect! I already mentioned it to Doyoung and gave him some for you this morning, so you can try it tonight. Just ask him for it." Taeyong says, a content smile on his face and Yuta can't help but return it; Taeyong's happiness really is contagious.

"Do you know where he went, anyway?" Yuta asks, eyebrows furrowing when he realizes Doyoung was gone when he woke up, and he hadn't mentioned where he got off to. He doesn't want to come off as clingy - though he supposes he's gotten to be exactly that over the past few days. 

Taeyong hums, nodding. "He went into town with Jeno. He said he was picking up dinner for you tw- oh, I don't know if I was supposed to tell you that, act surprised, please?" Taeyong flushes, before looking over his shoulder at the house. 

Yuta laughs, and tells him that he will, which causes a relieved grin to spread on Taeyong's face. "I'll leave you to it then, don't forget to ask Doyoung for the lavender!" He tells him before leaving and Yuta watches him head inside. 

Once he's alone, Yuta allows his mind to wander, allows himself to think over the conversation with Taeyong. While he no longer doubts how Doyoung might feel for him, to know that Doyoung has expressed his worries over him to someone else. He doesn't exactly want to make Doyoung worry, but it's nice to know that Doyoung cares enough to bring it up with others. 

Yuta shakes his head at the thought, letting out something of a scoff as he does. He feels ridiculous. Doyoung makes him feel ridiculous sometimes, or rather, how much he feels for Doyoung makes him feel ridiculous. 

He leans back in the chair, staring up at the cloudless sky. "Get yourself together, Yuta," he tells himself, voice hardly above a whisper.

It isn't as though Yuta dislikes how Doyoung makes him feel. Quite the opposite, really. He enjoys the feeling of butterflies in his stomach when Doyoung laughs, the way his heart pounds a little harder than usual when Doyoung does something cheesy (which isn't often). 

Rather, it's simply that Yuta doesn't know how to react to the way that Doyoung makes him feel. He hasn't ever felt this way before, not about anything, not about anyone. Doyoung is different, but Yuta knew that already. He's special. 

He's his.

Yuta sits up straight again, reaching for his mug, taking another drink from his coffee as he replays that particular thought in his mind. He's his. Doyoung is his, and he is Doyoung's. Not just because their souls are tied together, but because they chose to be. They could have ignored the tie and moved on with the rest of their lives, Yuta was fully prepared to do just that, and it seemed as though Doyoung was as well, for a while. 

But they had chose each other, and Yuta knows that he would choose Doyoung in every lifetime.

It hits him then, in that moment, precisely how strongly he feels for Doyoung. That in choosing to be with him, in choosing _him_, Yuta has fallen in love with Doyoung, no matter how short their future might be.


	12. Chapter 12

It feels as though April is slipping between his fingertips. The days are going by far too fast, and Yuta doesn't know how to slow down - he knows that there's no way to stop time, but he desperately wishes that he could. 

His residency happens on a Friday night. There is an unspoken murmur throughout Zerzura about how this is the final residency, two days before the anniversary of Taeyong's incantation. Despite this, everyone seems to attempt to pretend that it's just any other night. Yuta can see that barely concealed sadness in their eyes, however, and he can't blame them. 

Doyoung accompanies him to the venue a few hours before the residency is scheduled to begin. Yuta hasn't performed nearly as often as the other gods, considering he's only been in the Pantheon for seven months, and he hasn't felt the pull to perform as regularly as some of the other gods. Even so, Yuta feels as though he's been able to reach out to plenty of people, that his performances have reached the exact people that they were supposed to. He knows that his cult followers have been loyal since the day he was revealed, and he is beyond thankful for them.

His residencies take place in an open air venue, really the only location that they can take place considering his miracles consist of fire. Kun had told him under no uncertain terms that he cannot burn down any buildings on accident, so they had to be outside. 

Yuta leans into the mirror as he applies his makeup; Doyoung is sitting on a rolling chair next to him, tapping on his phone. They've been in comfortable silence for most of the time that they've been at the venue, and Yuta has to wonder what is going on in Doyoung's mind. He doesn't necessarily want to spark up a conversation, not when he's half an hour out from going onstage and he wants to have a clear mind. 

Yet, he can't stop himself when he finishes his eyeliner, dropping the pen onto the table in front of him before turning to Doyoung. "You're sure quiet." He remarks, nudging him with the pointy toe of his gold boot. Doyoung locks his phone, looking up to meet Yuta's gaze with a small smile.

"I didn't want to distract you. C'mere." Doyoung says, looping an arm around Yuta's waist and pulling him close. Yuta goes easily, as he always does, settling onto Doyoung's thighs as soon as Doyoung gives him a bit of a tug. Doyoung keeps an arm around his waist and Yuta reaches up to play with one of Doyoung's necklaces as he waits for Doyoung to speak up again. 

And he does, a moment later. "You're going to be incredible tonight, you know that?" 

Yuta realizes in that moment that Doyoung hasn't attended one of his residencies before. The only one that Yuta’s actually had since they sorted things out was on the same night as one of Doyoung's own planned residencies. 

He wonders what Doyoung is thinking, what he's feeling. Wonders if it is anything like the way that he was feeling the night that he went to Doyoung's residency for the first time. 

Yuta gives Doyoung a grin, nodding. "Well, I would sure hope so. I don't want to let anyone down or put on a boring show, considering you're seeing me for the first time." 

Doyoung laughs softly, giving his waist a squeeze. "I've seen you plenty. This is just in a different way." 

Even still, Yuta worries that Doyoung won't like his performance. He might have the spectacle of his miracles, but he doesn't have the voice of Taeil, and he doesn't have the hivemind of Ten. He doesn't have what the other gods have - but then again, maybe that's what makes him different, what makes his performances special. 

Yuta slips a finger underneath Doyoung's chin, tilting his head up so their eyes can meet and he laughs a little too loud for how close they're sitting. 

"You're good at this whole cheesy, romance drama thing, you know that?" Yuta teases, moments before he leans in to press a soft kiss against Doyoung's lips. 

Doyoung uses the grip he has on his waist to pull him closer and Yuta's fingers curl in the fabric of Doyoung's black button up shirt. He deepens the kiss, but it's just as he does that there is a knock at the door, causing him to pull back reluctantly. 

"We're picking up where we started later," Yuta says, jabbing his finger into Doyoung's chest before he climbs off of his lap, smoothing down the red lace shirt he's wearing before crossing to the door. He pulls it open to see Kun, who gives him a knowing look and Yuta has to resist closing the door in his smug face.

"You're onstage in ten, Yuta." Kun tells him, looking past him to where Doyoung is sitting. "Be sure to fix your makeup." 

Yuta scowls and Doyoung's laugh rings out loud in the room.

The cheer of the crowd is loud. Louder than anything Yuta could have ever imagined. He stands behind the heavy red velvet curtain, fingers curled in the plush material as he counts his breaths. He's due onstage at any moment. 

Finally, the lights dim, and so does the crowd's yelling. Yuta pushes open the curtain, moving to curl his fingers around the microphone in the middle of the stage. The lights come up on him and the crowd realises that he's there. 

Yuta can barely focus on anything except for his performance, except for the way the crowd calls for him, the way that they're connecting with him. It feels as though every single person is immediately in front of him, as if he could reach out and touch everyone's hand. It's impossible, of course. There are thousands of people here to see him, but the connection that Yuta feels with every single person there that night is something he cannot deny.

His eyes close, and he sees flames behind his eyes. They're surrounding him, they're engulfing him, they're a part of him. 

He is Kagutsuchi, the kami of fire.

When they arrive back at Zerzura that night, it seems as though he and Doyoung are alone. He knows that the others are there, at least some of them. They had all gone their separate ways after his performance. Yuta had turned down the chance to be interviewed by a few reporters that were in attendance, wanting to see Doyoung as soon as he could.

Doyoung hasn't said very much yet about what he thought of Yuta's performance. He's almost itching to know, but it seems selfish to bring it up, to ask his opinion. 

It isn't until he steps into his own bedroom and closes the door behind them that Doyoung finally speaks.

"That was breathtaking." 

Yuta barely has time to look up from where he's methodically working at the buttons on his shirt before Doyoung is pressing him back against the door. His hands go to his shoulders just in time to feel Doyoung's hands finding their purchase against his waist, as they always do. He holds Yuta in place before leaning in to kiss him.

Something that Yuta has learned is that Doyoung kisses almost methodically, as if he's planned out exactly how to take Yuta apart with just a few presses of his lips. This is no different, except for Doyoung's kisses that feel somewhat more desperate than usual, as if he needs to be kissing Yuta, as if it's the only thing he can do. 

Yuta simply holds on, simply clings to Doyoung as if his own life depends on it, kissing him back with what he thinks is probably a desperation that matches Doyoung's own. Yuta reaches up to twist his fingers in the hair at the back of his head as Doyoung trails his lips down to Yuta's neck, pushing aside the soft material of the lace with his nose as he nips at the skin.

"I take it that you liked my residency," Yuta lets out, a somewhat shaky laugh escaping him as he does. Doyoung simply hums against his skin, the vibration causing Yuta to shiver.

"I've been wanting to do this from the moment you stepped out onstage, so, yes, Yuta, I'd say I liked your residency." Doyoung says, pulling back from his neck and Yuta can feel the bruises forming there. The idea that Doyoung has left so many marks on him causes his hips to jerk forward; he's going to get hard embarrassingly fast. 

Doyoung's hand drops to pull his shirt out of his pants where Yuta had it tucked in, and he moves his hand up and under Yuta's shirt almost immediately. Yuta feels his skin jump away from Doyoung's cold touches before he relaxes against the feeling. Doyoung doesn't seem to have a plan, fingertips simply brushing over any inch of Yuta's skin that he can.

Yuta leans his head back against the door, his hands going to start to unbutton his shirt to give Doyoung easier access. It feels like he's fumbling with every button, and Doyoung finally notices, letting out a laugh before he pushes Yuta's hands aside to start working at the buttons himself. 

"I had it," Yuta says, pouting a little bit and Doyoung pauses, levelling him with a raised eyebrow. Yuta rolls his eyes fondly.

"It sure doesn't _seem_ like you had it." Doyoung points out and Yuta scoffs, shaking his head before Doyoung finishes, and he unceremoniously shoves the shirt off of Yuta's shoulders, only to have it catch on the door behind him. Yuta laughs, moving forward a few inches to let the shirt fall off of his body. 

Doyoung drops his hands to the band of Yuta's jeans, then, their eyes meeting as Doyoung pauses. Yuta nods, encouraging him to keep going, and he does, working the zip and button in no time, before he steps away from him. 

"Hey, come back," Yuta whines, his hands reaching out for him and Doyoung simply backs up, settling on the edge of the bed with something of a coy smile on his lips. 

Yuta is just about ready to pout until he gets what he wants (which is: Doyoung touching him again), but he stops when Doyoung holds out his hands to him.

"Come here, Yuta." The way that Doyoung says his name causes a shiver to run through him and he goes instantly, stopping just before he reaches Doyoung to shove his jeans off of his body. He's left in just a pair of tight black briefs. Doyoung's gaze goes dark as he grabs onto Yuta's hips to pull him down onto his lap.  
Yuta settles there, thighs bracketing Doyoung's own. Doyoung's hands settle on his thighs, squeezing the soft skin before he drags his hands up his leg, slowly.

"Didn't you say that you wanted to pick up where we left off earlier?" Doyoung points out and Yuta bites back the smile from his lips, nodding. He moves closer to Doyoung then, rolling his hips experimentally. He can feel Doyoung's clothed dick pressing against his own through the material of his jeans, and Yuta is suddenly aware that he's far too overdressed.

"I don't think it's fair that you're still wearing so many clothes when I'm not dressed at all." He says, frowning at Doyoung, who pinches his side playfully before using the grip he has on his waist and thighs to flip him back onto the bed. 

If Yuta wasn't hard already before, the display is enough to make his dick twitch. 

Doyoung climbs off of the bed, pulling his shirt over his head and off, and his jeans follow soon after. It's then that Yuta gets impatient, and he reaches out for him, grasping onto Doyoung's hip and pulling him back into bed with him. Doyoung goes with him easily, moving on top of Yuta as he does. His arms curl around Doyoung's neck, dragging him down for a kiss almost instantly. 

Doyoung shifts on top of him, lining their cocks up and rutting down against him. Yuta moans into Doyoung's mouth, nails digging lightly into the skin of his shoulders. It feels like so much, like too much, but it feels like not enough. Yuta feels desperate, and he doesn't know how Doyoung always pulls this feeling out of him. 

"Doyoung," Yuta breathes out, head falling back against the pillow. Doyoung takes the moment to dip his head to lick against Yuta's neck, to bite against his collarbones. Yuta whines in response, impossibly hard just from kissing Doyoung, just from feeling his cock brush against his through fabric.

"Doyoung," Yuta starts again. "Doyoung, _Doyoung_, I want you to fuck me." Yuta tells him, and Doyoung pauses where he had been slowly kissing down Yuta's chest. Yuta sucks in a breath, holding it in his lungs - what if Doyoung hadn't wanted that? What if he had no interest in that and he's just gone and made things awkward between them and-

Doyoung's moan breaks through his thoughts, stopping them in their tracks. Yuta props himself up on an elbow to look down at him. Doyoung places one last kiss against his breastbone before he sits up, too. 

"You can't just say that, god, Yuta." Doyoung mumbles before he hooks a hand around the back of Yuta's head, dragging him in for a kiss. Yuta goes easily, kissing back before he pulls away again.

He huffs out a breath, nudging his knee against Doyoung's side. "I can say that and I did say that and I was _serious_." Yuta tells him, frowning at him for a moment before he turns on his side, reaching for his side table, where he knows there is a small bottle of lube. He hesitates, seeing the condoms in the drawer as well, and ends up pulling both out, dropping the lube on his stomach so Doyoung can take it, which he does.

The condom, however, he keeps in his hand. "I was thinking, if you want, we don't have to use.." He trails off, his voice unsure as he speaks. It's a lot to ask, it's so intimate. Yuta isn't sure if Doyoung would even be interested, but he doesn't really see a point in safeguarding for the future when they don't exactly have a future any longer. 

Doyoung reaches to take the condom out of Yuta's hand, before reaching to set it back in his drawer. "I want," Doyoung murmurs, dipping down to press a kiss against his lips - less desperate, more _sweet_ than before. 

It doesn't last long however, Yuta starting to squirm under Doyoung's body, and he reaches down to push his own underwear off of his hips, shimmying slightly to kick them off of his legs.  
Doyoung goes easily, moving down Yuta's body and pressing gentle kisses against his skin as he does. Yuta holds his breath at the feeling. 

His eyes are squeezed shut as he feels Doyoung's hand wrap around his dick, thumb pressing under the head and his hips jerk up with a moan. Doyoung peppers kisses against his stomach as he rubs precome down over his cock, hand moving at an excruciatingly slow pace. 

Yuta hears the click of the cap of the lube and focuses on evening out his breathing. He's impatient to have Doyoung fuck him, but he knows that he needs to be relaxed if he wants to speed along the process. Doyoung places one final kiss to his stomach before he shifts down, gently pushing Yuta's leg out to the side. 

The first push of Doyoung's finger causes him to keen, hands curling into fists in the sheets for just a moment before he relaxes again, allowing for Doyoung to push his finger in all the way to the knuckle. 

Just like how he kisses, Doyoung is methodical as he fingers him, adding more as he goes. It's clear that he's just as impatient as Yuta is, and he wants to get him ready as quickly as possible. That doesn't mean he sacrifices Yuta feeling good, though, because it feels _incredible_.

Doyoung pushes a third finger into him, and Yuta whines, louder than he meant to, hips jerking up. 

"Stop, stop, stop," he breathes out, panting to try to catch his breath and Doyoung freezes instantly.

"Did I h-"

"No, I just- I don't want to come yet." Yuta cuts him off, and Doyoung scowls, swatting at Yuta's thigh with his free hand. Yuta laughs, breathless as he props himself up slightly. "I'm ready, c'mon."

Doyoung pulls his fingers out of him, before he moves back against the pillows. Yuta turns to him, eyebrows furrowing before Doyoung reaches out. Doyoung’s hand settles on his hips to pull him onto his lap.

"Hmm, you want me to ride you?" Yuta remarks, a coy expression on his face. As coy as he could be with his dick hard against his stomach, in any case. "I suppose I could do that." He dips down to kiss Doyoung, effectively cutting off the snarky remark that he's sure is coming. Slipping a hand between them to push Doyoung's briefs down, Yuta settles back on Doyoung's thighs.

He grabs the bottle of lube, pouring some onto his hand and then slowly jerking Doyoung off, watching him carefully as he does. Doyoung looks as desperate as he feels, skin flushed, his knuckles white as he holds onto the sheets. Yuta knows that the tension between them over the past few months has pulled them tight - ready to snap at any moment. 

Instead of teasing Doyoung like he wants to, Yuta moves back up so his thighs are bracketing Doyoung's hips. Their eyes meet and the smile that Doyoung gives him nearly takes his breath away. He has to resist the urge to stop what he's doing and lean down to kiss him again, but he does, somehow, reaching behind him to grasp onto Doyoung's cock, positioning himself and slowly sinking down. 

Yuta can already tell he isn't going to last long. He places his hands on Doyoung's chest as he slowly moves down over his cock until he's fully seated, a moan escaping his lips. Doyoung's hands come to rest on his waist, but it's as if they can't stay still, moving over Yuta's skin repeatedly, dragging his fingers up his sides and down again before repeating the motion. 

He gives himself a moment before he starts to move, rocking his hips slowly to get used to the feeling of Doyoung inside of him. It's overwhelming in the best way possible, and as he starts to move, Doyoung moves one hand to grasp at his ass, fingers digging into his skin, spurring him on. 

"Doyoung," Yuta chokes out, his thumb rubbing over one of Doyoung's nipples. Doyoung simply moans, shifting to plant his feet more firmly on the bed, fucking up into him. 

Yuta falls forward as Doyoung thrusts up into him, his dick rubbing against their stomachs as he moves, and it's nearly enough to send him over the edge. Doyoung uses the grip he has on Yuta to shift them even closer, make the press of his leaking cock against their stomachs even tighter. 

"Do you want to come, Yuta?" Doyoung asks and Yuta whimpers in response, too lost in the feeling of Doyoung moving inside him. He knows that he’s going to come embarrassingly quickly - but he doesn’t think that he can be blamed for that. Doyoung clearly would be the one to blame.

His thighs are burning but he doesn't want to stop, fucking himself back on Doyoung's dick. Doyoung seems to pick up on the fact that Yuta can barely get words out, slipping a hand between their bodies to grasp onto his cock, stroking him hard and fast. It's easy with how wet Yuta's cock is, how hard he is.

It's only moments later that Yuta is coming with a loud whine, hips stuttering forward and nearly collapsing on Doyoung's chest. He can feel himself tightening around Doyoung's cock, and Doyoung jerks up into him once before stilling. 

"Fuck, Doyoung." Yuta moans, sitting up. He wants Doyoung to keep fucking him, wants Doyoung to come in him, but he doesn't think he has the strength to keep riding him. 

Doyoung reaches up, pushing Yuta's hair back from his face. "Are you okay?" Yuta nods in response, before he rises up on his knees, Doyoung's cock, still hard, slipping out of him. 

"I want you to keep fucking me until you come." Yuta tells him, and Doyoung chokes on air. Yuta smiles triumphantly, happy to have gotten a reaction out of Doyoung. He moves to the pillows, lying on his side and reaching back for Doyoung with one of his hands. "Like this." 

Doyoung seems to get the hint and moves so he's pressed up against Yuta from behind, one hand trailing between his thighs before he pushes one up and out slightly, just enough to be able to push his cock back into him.

Yuta moans, nearly oversensitive, but he doesn't care, he wants this, he wants Doyoung. 

Doyoung's thrusts aren't as measured as they were before, and Yuta has a feeling that he's close. Yuta leans back, tilting his head to capture Doyoung's lips in a kiss that's more tongue and teeth than anything, and it only grows messier as Doyoung's grip on his thigh tightens. 

It's only moments later that Yuta feels Doyoung coming, feels him moaning into his mouth and Yuta clenches around him just to feel the full body shiver that runs through Doyoung as he places kisses over the back of Yuta's shoulders and neck.

Yuta knows that they need to clean up, that they need to probably strip the bed before they go to bed, but he isn't keen to move even as Doyoung pulls out of him, even as Doyoung pushes himself up into a sitting position, pulling Yuta into his arms with him.

Yuta wants nothing more than to be with him forever. 

Their cycle comes to an end on a Tuesday.

On paper, it’s a day like any other day except for the solemn feeling that's covered the entire house. Yuta hasn't seen Kun or Ten all day, hasn't seen Johnny or Taeil in even longer than that, and the others are all gathered together, spread out across various rooms. 

His time is spent with Doyoung. As the sun sets over the horizon, he finds himself, unsurprisingly, in Doyoung's room. Zerzura is eerily quiet, almost silent. There's a weight in his stomach, one that he can't shake. Both he and Doyoung are quiet as well, their usual chatter and banter nearly gone as they are faced with their fate.

They get ready for bed almost silently, and Yuta pulls on one of Doyoung's hoodies to wear to fall asleep. Despite knowing that he is going to be entirely wrapped up within Doyoung as they drift off to sleep, he wants _more_. 

He's always wanted more of Doyoung. Even in his last moments, he wants as much of him as he is allowed to have. 

Yuta can feel Doyoung watching him as he pulls it over his head, pushing his jeans off of his legs so he's left in just the hoodie and a pair of underwear. A few weeks ago, a few _days_ ago, Doyoung's gaze might have been weighted, filled with heat. But now there's an unquestionable sadness in his eyes as Yuta turns to look at him where he's seated on the edge of the bed. 

He crosses the room to him, settling next to him on the bed and wrapping his arms around Doyoung, holding him tight. His fingers cup Doyoung’s head as Doyoung leans his forehead into his shoulder. It’s all that Yuta can do to hold him. He knows this isn't easy, it doesn't feel easy at all for him, and he can only imagine what Doyoung is feeling after he's battled his own existential angst for so much longer than Yuta has. 

"Let's get into bed, c'mon." Yuta whispers after a few moments. He knows that there's a good chance they aren't going to be able to fall asleep. He knows he won't. But being in bed and at least lying together will help ease things a little bit. Maybe not as much as they need, maybe not enough, but it'll be something at the every least and Yuta knows that's all they can ask for at the moment. 

Doyoung hums in agreement, and they move back against the pillows. Yuta pulls the dark grey comforter up over their bodies as they do. He shifts closer to Doyoung, reaching to take his hand in his own, lacing their fingers together. 

"Doyoung." Yuta says after a few moments of silence. His voice is hardly above a whisper. 

"What is it?" He asks, and Yuta sucks in a shaky breath. Quite literally, it is now or never. 

"I just - I wanted to thank you. For being with me. For letting me in." He whispers. A small, sad smile tugs on the corner of Doyoung's lips. 

Doyoung reaches up, running his fingers through Yuta's hair before cupping the back of his head. The gesture feels almost loving. "Thank you for giving me time." 

Yuta feels his throat tighten and he swallows around the knot. 

"I love you." 

He isn't sure if he meant to tell Doyoung. It's been on the tip of his tongue for weeks now, but it never felt like it was the right time. It never felt like he would get to the right moment to tell him. 

Doyoung leans closer in response, holding Yuta still with the hand at the back of his head, pressing a kiss against his lips. It's chaste, sweet. 

"I love you too, Yuta. I will always." 

Yuta can't take his eyes off of Doyoung. He is beautiful, just as his entire being (_Savitr_, he tells himself) suggests. Beautiful like a sunset. But every sunset must end.

Yuta moves forward then, burying his head in the crook of Doyoung's neck, simply holding onto him. This is all he needs to know. This is all he needs. The air is becoming heavy, the weight pressing down on him. 

It feels like nothing at all and yet, somehow, everything at once.


	13. Epilogue

_February 2110._

Yuta wakes up to the sound of Tokyo buzzing outside of his window, just as he does every morning. The city rises so early, and the technology never slows down enough for the sound outside of their window to be entirely silent. 

He doesn't mind it though. Since moving to Tokyo for university eight years ago, he's gotten used to the sounds of the city. When they go away for weekend trips he misses the noise that Tokyo brings. 

Yuta sits up to find the bed already empty. His eyebrows furrow as he glances around the bedroom; he's usually the first one awake. He isn't used to waking up to an empty bed and he isn't exactly pleased about it, simply because he likes the warmth of a body next to him in bed. 

Not to mention, they both have the day off, so he was hoping that they could stay in bed for a bit longer. 

Sighing dramatically, Yuta flops back against the pillows, staring up at the ceiling for a few moments, as if he’s willing himself to get up and out of bed. He's unsure why he's been left alone in their house, but he knows that it's probably for a good reason. 

Yuta pushes himself up and out of bed then, crossing to the small chest of drawers across the room. He rifles around it in for a moment, before pulling out an oversized grey hoodie and pulling it over his body, his wedding ring glinting in the light of the early morning as he does. He hadn't bothered to get re-dressed in pajamas the night before, so he searches around for a pair of sleep shorts to wear while he goes to find coffee. 

Content with not being entirely exposed, Yuta makes his way out of the bedroom, crossing the short distance to their kitchen. Their house is small, but they've lived in it together for almost four years now, and Yuta wouldn't change anything about it for the world.

He sets the coffee on as soon as he enters the kitchen, noting that he's been left a bowl of rice and miso soup for breakfast. It was still warm, so he clearly hasn't been alone in the house for very long. Yuta eats as he waits for his coffee to cool to a temperature where he can drink it without scorching off his tongue.

Setting the bowls into the sink to wash later, he picks up his coffee mug before crossing around the kitchen island, clicking on the news console in the corner of the room. As it loads, he settles down to the fireplace. It isn't on, but he makes a note to go get some more wood to burn later that night. 

When they were looking for a house to buy together, he had fallen in love with the fireplace. It was a tiny little thing, barely enough to make much of an impact but Yuta couldn't seem to shake the idea of having a house with a fireplace. He's happy that they ended up in this house, it's perfect for many reasons but the fireplace has to be his favorite reason. 

The news is nothing interesting, a lengthy discussion of snowfall expected in the city is taking place as the projection loads up. Yuta lets his eyes wander to the painting on the wall. It's the only piece of art they've put up, they had found it at an antique market the year before. The vivid colors of the sunset bring a pop of color to their otherwise monochrome living space. 

It seems like daily that Yuta is struck with how much he loves their home, how perfect it feels. When they first started dating, he didn't think it would go this far, he certainly didn't think they would be married with a house. 

He's turned very domestic in his mid-twenties, apparently.

Yuta takes a long drink from his coffee just in time to notice the news switching from the weather to pop culture. There's a reporter in front of an excited crowd in Taiwan, trying her best to be heard over the cheers, over the excitement. Yuta turns his attention to the holographic projection in front of him, eyebrows furrowing. 

"_-the first god of the 2100s cycle has been found and has just made a statement announcing his residencies which are slated to begin this weekend..._" Yuta frowns a little as he leans in closer, trying to make out the image of a man behind her. There's something about him that's familiar, as he leads a young looking boy with golden peach hair through the crowd. 

That must be the new god. 

Yuta focuses back on the man, he's nearly positive he's seen him before. Then again, he meets a lot of people at his marketing job, he's sure that he's probably just met someone who looks like him in the past. 

Yuta isn't sure what a residency entails, exactly. He's never been one to pay much mind to Pantheon theory and studies. He has, however, seen a few of the fictional movies that have been made about the concept of the Pantheon cycle. Considering most of the ones he’s watched were from the period between the gods, it always just seemed like something that was a fantasy and completely made up. He still feels a little skeptical about this, but Yuta can't deny that his interest is piqued. 

It's then that the door beeps and opens, but Yuta's eyes are still on the projection in front of him. "Babe, they've found one of the gods. You know, from the Pantheon?" Yuta calls out, pushing himself up off of the ground. 

"Hello to you too, Yuta." Yuta can practically _hear_ the eye roll. It's a skill.

"Yeah, hello, thank you for the breakfast, by the way." Yuta says, pushing himself up off of the ground finally. He rises up on his tiptoes to stretch out his legs. His eyes are still on the projection, still trying to figure out where exactly he'd seen that man before.

Yuta feels arms wrap around the curve of his waist and he laughs as he's pulled back against a broad chest, tilting his head for the kiss to his cheek that he knows is coming.

"I don't think I believe in all of that Pantheon stuff. You know that." 

Yuta hums in response, wiggling a little in his arms. "I know. You have no sense of adventure and fantasy." 

Yuta grins at the feeling of his laughter bubbling out of his chest where Yuta is leaning against him. 

"I have a good enough sense of adventure, my love. I married you, didn't I?" Yuta turns in his arms, scowling at him for a moment before Doyoung steps away, dropping his arms with a cheeky smile. 

"Five years on the nose. I bought you green tea cake to celebrate, come on." 

Yuta lets out a surprised noise, letting Doyoung lead him into the kitchen. "Green tea cake this early in the day?" Doyoung nods wrapping an arm around Yuta's waist and pulling him against his side.

"I like to spoil you." Yuta grins in response, pulling the box of cake over closer to them. He knows that Doyoung likes to spoil him, has known this for years now. 

He watches as Doyoung slices the cake up, pulling out just one piece for them to split. Yuta is sure that the expression on his face is nothing short of fond as he can't seem to take his eyes off of him. 

Doyoung looks up, their eyes meeting. Yuta is prepared for a sharp and teasing remark, but he's instead just met with a smile.

He feels something deep in his heart twist happily. Deeper than his heart, almost to his soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh i can't believe this is finished! it was my nano project but i've had it planned since july, so i'm happy to finally have it out in the world. 
> 
> big thanks to jamie & kieron for creating the universe that i dabbled in, isa for handholding and cheering me on, and my main cryptid for being my writing buddy throughout november! 
> 
> if you want to say hi, i'm on fic twitter [here](https://twitter.com/prismpvwer) and also stan twitter [here](https://twitter.com/yutalyz)!
> 
> thank you so so so much for reading this, it means the world!


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